Greta Christina - Coming Out Atheist: How to Do It, How to Help Each Other, and Why

For Ingrid.

Making Your Own Life Better

Helping Other Atheists

Cultivating Other Atheists

Creating a Better World

Should You Even Come Out At All?

The Basics

The No Big Deal Method

A Few Words About Language

Family

Spouses and Partners

Friends

Work

Strangers

The Internet

Conservative Communities

Progressive Communities

The U.S. Military

The Clergy

Theocracies (Overt and De Facto)

Students: College, High School, and Earlier

Parents

The Already Marginalized: People of Color, Women, LGBT People, And Others

Arguing About Religion

My Own Coming Out Story

Visibility and Role Models, or, Step One: Come Out Your Own Damn Self

Support or Pressure? How to Tell the Difference

Dont Out People

Understanding Our Differences

Building Community

Diversity, or, Making Communities Welcoming to People Who Arent Just Like Us

The Snowball Effect

Coming Out Is Fun

Atheists have to come out! Coming out is the most powerful political action we can take! Its how we change peoples perceptions of us! Its how we counter the myths and bigotry against us! Its how we find each other! Its how we create communities and give each other a safe place to land! Its how were forging ourselves into a political force to be reckoned with!

People in the atheist movement have been saying all of this for as long as Ive been an atheist. Probably for longer. And theres a reason: Its all true.

But when atheists talk about coming out, a surprisingly common reaction is, Why is this so important? Why does the whole world need to know about people who dont believe in God? This reaction doesnt just come from religious believers, either. It sometimes comes from atheists. Many people see their atheism as private, none of anybodys business. Some atheists even compare coming out to evangelizing. Im sick of all those Christians shoving their Christianity in my face. Why should I shove my atheism in theirs?

If youre thinking that, Id like to change your mind.

When I started collecting coming out atheist stories for this book, a remarkable pattern emerged that I noticed right away. I based this book on over four hundred coming out atheist stories. I posted an invitation on my blog, as well as several books about atheism. And for years, Ive been listening to coming out stories: at conferences, at talks, in pubs after conferences and talks, at parties, in deep conversations with friends, on my blog, on other peoples blogs, on Facebook, in online forums, in one-on-one heart-to-hearts everywhere.

And in all these stories, a single pattern appears again and again, with a consistency that surprised even me: When atheists come out of the closet, theyre almost always glad that they did.

For most of this bookParts Two and ThreeIm assuming that readers already want to come out, and just want ideas and encouragement on doing it (and on helping each other do it). But if youre not thereif youre not convinced that you want to come out, and youre looking for reasons to do itthats what this first section is about. If you want the 25 words or less version:

Coming out atheist can make your life better.

Coming out helps other atheists.

Coming out cultivates other atheists.

And coming out creates a better world.

Lets talk about how.

This is the crux of it:

Coming out atheist will very likely make your life better.

This, by far, is the most important reason to come out. Theres no point in coming out solely as a noble sacrifice. Its great to want to be a role model for other atheistsbut youre going to be a lousy role model if being out makes you miserable. You have to do this for you. You have to do your own cost/ benefit analysis, and weigh the plusses and minuses yourself.

Fortunately, there are lots of plusses.

For most atheists, coming out improved their liveseven if they alienated friends and family in doing so. In all the coming-out stories that Ive read and heard, this is the consistent pattern, the conclusion the stories overwhelmingly point to. And this conclusion is backed up by good sociological research (although this research is somewhat limited in scope, and more needs to be done). Theres often an initial period of trauma, just as there often is when people become atheists in the first place. But once thats passed, most atheists are happier after theyve come out. Even if their worst fears are realizedeven if they do lose people they love, even if they are alienated from their community and have to find a new onefor the most part, theyre still happier. Ive read and heard literally hundreds of coming out atheist storiesand almost none of them ended with, This was a bad idea, and I wish I hadnt done it. Some people regret the particular way that they came out, and if they had it to do over again they might do it differentlybut almost nobody says they wouldnt do it at all. In fact, in all the coming out stories I read for this book, only one person said they regretted it. (That was Snowball, by the wayyou can read her story in the chapter on coming out to family.)

Why would this be?

Given the discrimination and bigotry many atheists face, given the myths and misinformation and flat-out lies that get spread about us, given how divisive religious differences often arewhy would this be?

For starters, living in the closet can be really hard. Having to keep silent about something thats important to you? Worrying about what could happen if people found out? Keeping track of who knows what about you, and worrying about how people might hurt you if they decided to tell? Covering your tracks when you go on the Internet, and worrying what might happen if you slip up? Constantly measuring your words, even in atheist spaces, to make sure nobody could trace your words back to you? Feeling like youre being dishonest with the people you care about most? Thats a hard way to live.

Being out of the closet, on the other hand well, Im not going to say that its easy. Very little in life is easy. But when youre out of the closet, you can relax. You can be more open. You can be less afraid, even unafraid. You can connect with people more deeply. You can find friends, partners, communities, who share your values and your worldview, and who not only accept you but appreciate you as you are. The people who love you will really love younot some other person walking around with your face and your name, pretending to be you. You can feel more honest. You can feel more like yourself.

There are happy stories about coming out atheist, and about being an out atheist, in almost every chapter of this book. There are extra heaps of them in the Coming Out Is Fun chapter. But if youre still in doubt, ask your LGBT friends (or yourself, if youre an openly LGBT person): Was life easier and better while they were still closeted, or after they came out? Do they regret coming out? Even if it caused a family fight, even in a homophobic society that treats them as second-class, are they happier now that theyre out of the closet?