Direnfeld - Marriage rescue : overcoming ten deadly sins in failing relationships

MARRIAGE RESCUE

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T his book is based on the authors research, personal experience, interviews and real-life experiences. The couples stories presented represent a compilation of issues taken from the authors thirty years as a social worker. No one story represents a single case. In order to protect privacy, names have been changed and identifying characteristics have been altered except for contributing experts. The facts represented and names used do not reveal any single couple or person directly.

For purposes of simplifying usage, the pronouns his/her and s/he are sometimes used interchangeably. The information contained herein is not meant to be a substitute for professional evaluation and therapy with mental health professionals.

MARRIAGE RESCUE

Overcoming Ten Deadly Sins
in Failing Relationships

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

NEW HORIZON PRESS
Far Hills, New Jersey

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I magine having the kind of marriage where you wake up each morning feeling thrilled with the person lying beside you. Imagine feeling completely supported by your partner. Imagine having plenty of things to talk about and that at the end of each workday, when you find yourselves both at home, you are happy to embrace and chat about the days events. Imagine looking forward to vacations together. Imagine the scene in old age, sitting in rockers side by side, hand in hand.

However, if you have chosen to read Marriage Rescue, its likely the reality is very different.

Its probable that for a number of reasons your marriage may be on a downslide and you are feeling desperate. Even if your marriage is not deteriorating, its likely you are not finding the kind of marital satisfaction that you dreamed would follow your wedding or moving in together.

It may be that your marriage was never on track: your issues predate your wedding and you deluded yourself into believing that getting married would reset the problems of the past and make all things right. If not married, the same applies: It may be that your relationship was never on track and you believed that moving in together would right the wrongs and make everything better.

It may be that unforeseeable events have broadsided your marriage and sent it for a tumble. It may be that you and your spouse didnt get to know each other long enough before tying the knot and now, only after your wedding, what you have learned about each other is undesirable. It may be that you feel you and your partner have outgrown each other and no longer have anything in common. Perhaps there were a number of conversations never had, where you and your spouse find yourselves on opposite sides of the fence for issues never broached.

Whatever your marital issues, all you can do so far is imagine the kind of marriage or relationship you wish you had.

I am a social worker by profession and I have been assisting couples with getting along and feeling better about themselves for over thirty years. I have helped couples have the kinds of marriages and relationships of which they only dreamed.

There are a great many things that continue to bring men and women into therapy time after time. I have come to distinguish patterns and recognize that the vast majority of couples relationship problems can be distilled into common major issues: the ten deadly sins of failing relationships.

I am going to share my knowledge about the ten deadly sins with you and provide you the same kind of insights and advice I provide my clients. In this book I believe you will learn something about yourself, your situation and your relationship. Through looking at the many examples of other couples with relationship problems, you will have an opportunity to examine yourself and your partner and figure out how you might do things differently to improve your relationship.

We will search the marital journeys of different couples and view their roles in relationships. I feel strongly that you will see yourself in one of these stories and, I hope, identify with at least one of the individuals to some degree. Indeed, you may see different parts of yourself or your situation in several of the stories.

If you find yourself wishing for a mutually-satisfying marriage where each partner completes the other, but you are not finding satisfaction or fulfillment in your current relationship, then this book is for you. However, before you have any illusions that all it takes is three clicks of your heels to have that fantasy life, think again. Great marriages take effort.

If you really want your marriage to work, if you want to get it back on track, then you and your partner are going to have to work hard to put your relationship there. Even if its never a great marriage, you can certainly achieve a better marriage than you have right now. But there has to be a genuine commitment from both sides to make it happen.

There is an important prerequisite to beginning that work. Even though it takes both spouses to make it happen, each of you needs to realize that the first step is to get your ego out of the way. You likely have convinced yourself that everything would be better if only your spouse would change. But the truth is that until you take responsibility for your own contribution to distress, your marriage or relationship will never improve. Be prepared, because as you continue to read this book, much of the work will be focused on both of you managing yourselves differently in lieu of seeking to fix your partner.

You will learn to unravel the problems associated with each deadly sin of marital turmoil. You will learn to determine your contribution to the problem and from where your contribution stems. Then you will discover how to craft your own solutions given the uniqueness of your particular situation. Even if the issue you are grappling with in your marriage is not specifically one of the ten deadly sins, by reading this book you will still learn the skills and develop the strategies needed to address any issues interfering with your marriage. Each partner can achieve some degree of insight into him or herself.

Remember, though, a theme throughout this book is your taking responsibility for your contribution to marital or relationship distress. As much as you may gain insight into the behavior of your partner, nothing changes unless you first take responsibility for your contribution. This book is not about how you can go about changing your partner without examining yourself first. If you are sincere about improving your marriage and youre prepared to take responsibility for your own issues and work hard, then review the deadly sins, preferably with your partner.

Compare what you learn about yourselves and be prepared to discuss and then make significant changes to how you both go about doing things. Action will mean everything. This book is not just about contemplation and realizing the reasons for your marital strife, but also about developing new sets of behaviors that will save your relationship from its downslide and give you a shot at the kind of marriage of which youve only dreamed.

From the many couples experiencing marital discord Ive counseled, Ive learned that the severity of the problem is not the best indicator of whether or not a marriage can be rescued. Ive seen marriages and relationships torn apart by seemingly minor issues. Ive seen marriages fractured by issues from multiple affairs to drug and alcohol abuse to domestic violence that, as a result of hard work by the partners, were not only rescued but also rejoiced in as the relationships changed for the better.

Be aware that you can never tell at first glance whose marriage is going to make it and whose marriage is going to fail. In my years as a social worker, I have seen that there is only one factor that seems to determine success and failure: the willingness of both spouses to take responsibility, change and/or learn new behavior and leave their egos behind.