Clarke - The Luckiest Guy Alive

John Cooper Clarke The Luckiest
Guy Alive PICADOR For Evelyne and Stella What me worry? Alfred E. Neuman Nothing matters and what if it did Theres more than one way to make a quid Youll be farting through silk if you stick with me kid Im the luckiest guy alive Life is one big happy skive The luckiest guy alive Just waiting for the trouble to arrive On the fairway Im under par At the boat club they call me the Commissar With a monogrammed tankard a-hanging in the bar Im the luckiest guy alive I got a kick-ass drag boat I aint allowed to drive The luckiest guy alive Just waiting for the trouble to arrive A broad daylight killing spree I heard about it on the BBC Expert opinion tends to agree Stranger things apparently happen at sea Anyway dont worry bout me Im the luckiest guy alive A better situation you could only connive The luckiest guy alive Just waiting for the trouble to arrive Time was it was the whole of the Law That kept my feet on the literal floor But gravity aint my friend no more Oh no thats for sure But Im the luckiest guy alive I got a facial tattoo saying please revive The luckiest guy alive Just waiting for the trouble to arrive Her molecules got magnified Her faintest whisper amplified Takes the highway in her stride Shes a little on the large side Attack of the 50ft woman Feeling vaguely discontent With all the spleen thats fit to vent Dressed in a circus tent Her irritation overspent To an almost biblical extent Attack of the 50ft woman Shes a radioactive predatory flirt With a figure made to disconcert Mess with her and youre gonna get hurt Lapsed Catholics reconvert Attack of the 50ft woman Who needs some overgrown chick Stomping on their block Mad bad sad sick Hows the antidote coming on, Doc? Sports cars for roller-skates She straps them on whenever shes late Shes too big to appreciate Shed be better off back in the states She needs her own space lets face it Attack of the 50ft woman Blacking out the afternoon She lends an air of ominous gloom Was it something we said or a phase of the moon Anyway we aint got the room Attack of the 50ft woman Attack of the 50ft woman Please remain alert Dont be driving down the outside lane Peeking up her tent slash skirt Attempts to reach her only stiffed Tried gold, flattery, top dollar gifts In a vain attempt to heal this rift Still she seems a little bit miffed Attack of the 50ft woman Whats the army doing nada Totally trashed the state of Nevada Pissed all over the National Guard Attack of the 50ft woman How come nobody seen her coming What me worry I should care Shit for brains wire for hair I seen the future and I aint there Things are gonna get worse Velcro slippers and a spandex waistband Washed up on planet wasteland Zipped up like a nylon spaceman Things are gonna get worse Things are gonna get worse nurse Things are gonna get rotten Make that hearse reverse nurse I am trying to remember everything that Ive forgotten A menace in the box I was good in the air Now I cant get up from an easy chair The doctor told me oh yeah Things are gonna get worse Things are gonna get worse nurse Things are gonna get crappy Colour me perverse nurse Bad news always makes me happy The moneys gone theres only muck Social services pass the buck How bad does it have to suck Things are gonna get worse Things are gonna get worse nurse Things are gonna get dismal Smite me with a curse nurse Make it something real abysmal All thats left is the taste of soup Afternoon re-runs of F-Troop And a painful frame with a built-in stoop Things are gonna get worse Things are gonna get worse nurse I aint optimistic Struck down by inertia nurse In a bungalow smelling of piss and biscuits Lifes a bitch its a bit rich Doubled up with a permanent stitch Any kind of effort would be so last ditch Things are gonna get worse Young people make me swear You cant take me anywhere Im like a breath of stale air A walking one-man medical scare Things are gonna get worse Hail seizure, hello stroke So many pills a bloke could choke I cant decide from what to croak Things are gonna get worse Things are gonna get worse nurse Murder by logistics Take me back to the first verse The last ones just too pessimistic Euthanasia that sounds good A neutral Alpine neighbourhood Then back to Britain all dressed in wood Things were gonna get worse apparently What would it take to shift ya? A bloodstained banana A panama titfer A piece of an eyelid Attached to a britva Im not a fan of enforced euthanasia But somebody taser the chimp with the razor Hell slit your throat Just by acting the goat Please somebody taser the chimp with the razor Youll never outrun a guy with a gun Youll never outlive a man with a shiv A girl with a rifle is never a trifle Dont clock the wife of a man with a knife Dont pull a blade, he may have a grenade Try not to sneer at a girl with a spear To be hit with a clubll be nothing but trouble Call that trouble? I dont wanna phase ya But somebody taser the chimp with a razor Dont cramp the style of a neighbourly smile And sure and begorrah now Dont be a schnorrer How are things in old schlockamorrah? OK now, check me tomorrer Dont put the heat on the man in the street Dont put the hurt on a treacherous skirt Your limitless tears could be flowing for years You may live to regret that preposterous pet Please somebody taser the chimp with the razor You cannot relax with a man with an axe And hes nursing a grudge and Hes packing a bludgeon You wouldnt pull rank on a girl in a tank Any more than youd jump on a guy with a pump Never headbutt a Certified Nutter With needles and fish hooks Encased in his schmutter A girl with a sword should not be ignored Wont somebody taser the chimp with the razor Youd better not bitch slap a chap with a switch It will not wash So carry a cosh Even then he may have a Sten gun You dont wanna hammer a Man with a camera You would be liable its undeniable Try not to flannel a man on a camel Who needs a scimitar Round their perimeter Dont give a snake An even break If you see an adder Get up a ladder Most things in existence Are prone to resistance But sometimes not, like this one for instance A chimpanzee is not just for Christmas That centre parting looks quite the business Drape that ape in your old school blazer Then somebody taser that chimp with the razor A rational dream A bucket of steam A riveting piece in Heat Magazine A gay baby in Bethnal Green None of the above has ever been seen Chinese cheese African skis A technical term for the back of our knees Developers embracing trees An argument where each side agrees A sergeant-major saying please You wont find any of these I think that I shall never see That developer hug that tree Or a pussy-cat swimming in the deep blue sea The feminist hooker who splits the fee The best things in life that come for free These things remain unknown to me The pugilist without a fist The fantasist without a tryst The onanist without a wrist The journalist who isnt pissed All of the above exist On the list of shit that dont exist I dont think I ever met A state nurse with a private jet A Presbyterian Bernadette A bookie wiping out all debts Returning unsuccessful bets And try and try and try to forget That want dont necessarily get Those foam-rubber castanets That health-inducing cigarette Maybe one day not yet Kosher ham vegan spam A virgin bride with a double pram A chocolate tea-pot, a plastic pan A nylon kettle, a girl named Stan If I cant find em no one will All was apparent and nothing was missed If I couldnt see it it didnt exist Then a stark shade of lightning shot out of my wrist Gone were the shadows the colours were clean The day I decided to live in a dream With hair unpomaded for want of the Fop I entered the barbers I asked for a crop This Jewish comedian told him to stop I walked out half-finished and holding a mop The mop was absorbing some of my genes A-mopping and flopping and mincing the queen A truly unbelievable scene Hair one-sided the day I decided The day I decided to live in a dream With half a haircut I got on a bike Its a dream, you dont think, you can do what you like I picked up a poodle it started to skrike But ask not whatever does anything mean That day I decided I wasnt divided The day I decided to live in a dream With the portions only available twice McDonalds was open but covered in ice Everything in there was made outta rice The cooks complexion was fishbelly white With the edge of his eyelids tainted with green The day I decided to live in a dream The bells were ringing I married a cat A cute little number that had to be that Thanks to an irreconcilable spat Theyre not so domestic as they at first seem The day I decided ten lives collided The day I decided to live in a dream Running through treacle in cellophane boots With somebody vicious in heated pursuit You dont smell the coffee you dont squeeze the fruit As the terrors of night-time strangle your screams The one way out is to piss in a stream And wake in a cloud of your very own steam If you do what I did The day I decided The day I decided to live in a dream