Taylor Perry - F U haiku: pissed-off poetry for every occasion
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- Book:F U haiku: pissed-off poetry for every occasion
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- Publisher:F+W Media, Inc.;Adams Media, David & Charles [distributor]
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- Year:2010
- City:Avon;Mass;Newton Abbot
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Enough already. The Mary Sunshine act has got to go. The economy sucks, unemployment has reached an all-time high, and the ozone is beyond repair. But when all feels futile, theres this hilarious compilation of 200-plus rants that give you permission to ditch the rose-colored glasses and have a satisfying laugh at the expense of those who piss you off.
From spiteful sex and workplace BS to road rage and famous F Us, youll find humorous verbal bitch-slaps to any and all of lifes most annoying and abusive moments.
Think of it as therapy, with an edge.
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FU Haiku
PISSED-OFF
POETRY FOR EVERY
OCCASION
BEATH QUINLAN AND PERRY TAYLOR
Copyright 2010 by F+W Media, Inc.
All rights reserved.
This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any
form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are
made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.
Published by
Adams Media, a division of F+W Media, Inc.
57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.
www.adamsmedia.com
ISBN 10: 1-4405-0181-5
ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-0181-4
eISBN 10: 1-4405-0732-5
eISBN 13: 978-1-4405-0732-8
Printed in the United States of America.
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
is available from publisher.
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.
From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations
Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their product are claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear in this book and Adams Media was aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been printed with initial capital letters.
This book is available at quantity discounts for bulk purchases.
For information, please call 1-800-289-0963.
Thanks to the people who provided fodder for these FUs you know who you are! And an even greater thanks to those who rarely, if ever, inspire a rant, including: Karen Cooper, Andrea Norville, Casey Ebert, and the open-minded and creative folks at Adams Media.
If no one is pissed-off with you then you are dead
but just haven't figured it out yet.
Tom Peters
Consider it a compliment. We care enough about the stupid shit you do, day-in/day-out, to put pen to paper and call you out on it. We've dropped the censor and ditched our manners for the time being, so be prepared for some refreshingly frank commentary; you know, the stuff people want to say, but don't. No one is spared: rich, poor, fat, thin, young, old, stupid, smart, or super-smart. If you happen to be one of the .01 percent of people who don't fall into one of those categories, Congratulations! Hope you enjoy life in a bubble up on your massive pedestal. But if you're like most of us, and fall somewhere in the colorful mix that makes up this mess of humanity, buck up. As you flip through these pissy poems, you're sure to relate to the frustration caused by your idiot coworker and crack a smile and hopefully feel compelled to participate in your own variety of rant therapy. Because you know there's no shortage of materialcrooked politicians, shitty exes, overbearing relatives, crappy drivers, entitled teens, two-faced friends, nosy neighbors, shyster mechanics, sleazy lawyers, and the list goes on and on and on!
If you've read this far and don't like it, there's a haiku inside that will tell you quite succinctly where to go.
I don't have pet peeves.
I have whole kernels of irritation.
WHOOPI GOLDBERG
Some people never
Stop talking. The movie starts
Let's all shout: Shut up!
You drank up all the
Coffee this morning so I
Egged your car. Breakfast!
You said that our love
Was better the second time
Around. Try for third.
Whenever my boss
Gets in my face, I just shrug
And say, Recruiter.
I've been rear-ended
Two times by texting drivers.
R U 2 stupid?
What goes UP must come
DOWN when bankers are all crooks
LET THEM EAT CAT FOOD.
I moved cross-country
For a guy, then he cheated.
Now he's moving fast!
When rich people flaunt
Their money, I point and laugh
And shout, Hey, Madoff!
When your kid throws a
Tantrum and everyone stares,
Throw a fit yourself.
When he watches too
Much porn, replace all his faves
With Disney movies.
My colleague got a
Little too ambitious, so
I got him transferred.
When you left the seat
Up AGAIN , I shaved my lithe
Legs with your razor.
When you kept leaving
Your socks on the floor, I washed
Them with my red dress.
You spent all of the
Money on shoes and salons.
I left you the shoes.
When they serve me cold
Coffee, I spill it on their
Floor. Every damn time.
Meter maid gave me
A ticket while I stood there.
Never paid the bitch .
Since Game Night was most
Every night, I forgot to
Pay the cable bill.
The sign said, Reserved
Parking. But reserved for whom?
I'm parking here, bud.
Those so-called pundits
Are a bunch of losers, so
I changed the channel.
Match.com soul mates
Lied about their age, weight, height,
Job. Outed them right now!
The next time you call
For a cold beer, I won't get
It, I'll drink it. All.
Politicians are
Low-life losers who can't keep
Real jobs. Vote 'em out!
Bumper to bumper
Traffic, you bully in. I
Curse you and your loins.
You made a pass, I
Resisted, my dog bit you.
Bad neighbor! Good dog!
Blah blah blabedy
Blah blah blah.So sorry, were
You saying something?
Did you say something?
Or is that annoying sound
Static? Hard to tell.
3, 4, 5 a.m.
Brain wired, eyes open.
No Rest for the wicked.
HOW MANY FLYERS
FROM THE GREASY GREEK PIZZA
DOES ONE PERSON NEED?
Dear Yoga Poser:
Twisting like a pretzel is
NOT ENLIGHTENMENT!
Gotta pee, gotta
Pee right now! What the hell are
You doing in there?
Fuck. You could win the
Lotto and still be a damn
Miserable mess.
Hey dude,
I don't know
What they told you but I think
You're a big loser.
The dust bunnies are
Not paying rent. Plug in the
Vacuum already!
I love mankind;
it's people I can't stand.
CHARLES M. SCHULZ
My former stylist
Called this mullet the new thing
I called her Douchebag!
When people say, Don't
Talk about your ex that way,
I flip them the bird.
The first rule of the
Road is this: Don't cut me off
Or you lose a trunk.
The best things in life
Are not free, they're taxed to the
Max. Deduct it all!
Don't risk jail time, just
Hang your ex's photo on a
Heavy bag and Punch!
I saidI'd never
Sleep with your hot friend but now
You should know:I lied.
Your mom called me, Slut,
Your dadpinched my ass, and you
Let them. Watch me go.
It got so cold my
Pipes froze. I said, Fuck winter!
And moved my ass south.
A hired gun is
Fine, but a hired lawyer
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