Adam Selzer - I Kissed a Zombie, and I Liked It

Adam Selzer - I Kissed A Zombie and I Liked It

Thanks to everyone at Random House, including Stephanie, Krista and Colleen (whose handwriting I could spot anywhere now!). Thanks to the lovely Ronica for putting up with me while the book took over my brain, and to the cast and crew of At Last, Okemah!, who lugged equipment while I sat against walls and scribbled away on this project. Thanks to Voltaire, who inspired me to write "I Thought She Was a Goth," the song on which this book is loosely based, ten years ago.

Thanks also to Jennifer Laughran, Nadia Cornier, the Weird Chicago Crew, the Smart Aleck staff, Robert Aspirin, Paul Morden, Kitten, Vixy and Tony, Seanan (and the rest of the filkers) and everyone at Sip Coffee in Chicago.

Watching a vampire make out with an idiot is kind of like going to the farmers' market and noticing just how many farmers have lost fingers in on-the-job accidents. Even though it's kind of disturbing, it's impossible to look away.

Right now, two lunch tables over from mine, Fred (a vampire) is making out with Michelle (an idiot). And everyone in the cafeteria is watching the show.

"My God," says my friend Trinity. "It's like he thinks her head is a Tootsie Pop."

"Keep watching," I say. "Maybe we can finally find out how many licks it takes to get to the candy center."

I'm not just being my usual, devastatingly witty self here. I actually think that the only thing between Michelle's ears might be some sort of chewy candy.

"I've lost count already," says Peter. "He must be about halfway through her skin by now. You'd think he'd just bite her and get it over with. That's what I always do with Tootsie Pops."

"They don't really bite people," says Sadie. "Not anymore."

"So what does he have to do to make her into a vampire?" asks Peter.

"It's a secret, but it's probably nothing he can do in a high school cafeteria," says Sadie.

They're already doing several things they aren't supposed do in a high school cafeteria, but the lunchroom monitors are all too chicken to tell a vampire to knock it off, even though everyone knows they're not really dangerous.

It was quite a scandal a few years back when it turned out that Megamart was bringing corpses back to life to work as zombie slaves in their stockrooms. When word got out, all the other post-humans (vampires, werewolves and all the undead types that turned out to have been living among us for centuries) got really offended and decided to "come out of the coffin" to lobby Congress to close all the loopholes that let Megamart get away with that.

There was wall-to-wall coverage in the media for months.

Every news station had stories of "The Vampire Revelation"

like "How the Vampire Invasion Is Threatening Your Family"

and "How to Protect Your Newborn from Werewolves." But after a while, everyone figured out that nothing had really changed - vampires and stuff have always been around. Now we just know about it. And they aren't nearly as scary as they'd been made out to be; they're a lot faster and stronger than regular people, and they're apparently more or less immortal, but they don't really drink blood anymore (there's some kind of vegetable compound that's more satisfying and easier to get), and they don't get their "powers" from anything supernatural (it's something to do with protein mutation or something. I forget). Vampires, werewolves, ghosts and zombies turned out to be regular scientific phenomena, and life went pretty much back to normal.

The teenage vampires are a pain in the ass - they never actually mature, no matter how old they get, since their pituitary glands are sort of frozen in time - but dating one has become the ultimate status symbol. Most girls in school dream of having a loser like Fred fall in love with them and turn them into a vampire. I guess living in Iowa does make life as a corpse seem exciting.

"Dead people have no reason to live," I say. "Shouldn't we have stopped thinking vampires were awesome when we found out they spend most of their time acting all emo?"

"You're just jealous, Alley," says Marie. "Can you honestly tell me that if some guy rose from the grave and spent a hundred lonely years looking for just the right person, then fell for you, you wouldn't think that was totally romantic?"

"I'd think he was a stalker," I say.

"It's true love!" says Marie.

"Get real," says Sadie. "It's hot, but it's just lust. Not that there's anything wrong with that."

Sadie is my oldest friend. She kind of falls for the whole vampire thing, but at least she's realistic. She likes dead guys, just like every other girl in school, but Marie loves them. She isn't even interested in dating living guys. She's, like, necrosexual.

"You guys are just prejudiced," says Marie. "I would kill to date a vampire. I mean, he's crazy strong, but not strong enough to stay away from her. How romantic can you get?"

"Right," says Peter. "I think that's on page one of How to Get Teenage Girls to Fall in Love with You."

"And her parents probably think he's a monster, but she truly understands him," I chime in.

"See?" asks Peter. "Textbook."

Everyone at my table is on the staff of the school paper.

Trinity Pearl, who sits to my right, is the editor in chief. She's wearing a formal ball gown (she's into tango) covered in safety pins (she's also into punk). Next to her is Peter Woolcott, the most transparently gay teenager in the greater Des Moines area. On the other side of him is Marie Beecher, the necrosexual fashion editor who doubles as our pet idiot, then Ryan Deeborn the film critic, then Sadie, who covers local news (she drew the short straw). Peter's gossip column, "No Siree," is really just a report of all the witty things we say at lunch (and occasionally, the dumb things Marie says. She's a little dim, but we love her anyway). Our skill at making fun of things has made our table sort of famous; around school they call us the Vicious Circle.

Two tables over, Michelle is making noises that sound like they're coming from a wounded animal and saying "Oh, Friedrich, Friedrich" loudly enough to make sure we all hear her. It's kind of annoying. I mean, if you so much as hold hands with someone who isn't a vampire, you get detention for public display of affection. It's a total double standard.

"God, if I ever get like that, just drive a stake through my heart or something, okay?" I ask.

"No danger of that," says Peter. "Eight days till prom and you've still never had a second date?"

"Who needs a second one when you get everything you want on the first?" I ask. And I give him my most self-satisfied smirk.

It's not that I'm inexperienced; I've made out with plenty of guys. But I just make out with them, send them on their way and then make fun of them without naming names later on.

It's not very nice, I know, but guys know what they're getting into when they make out with Alley Rhodes, the Ice Queen of the Vicious Circle.

A lot of people think I hate guys or something. I don't, really; I just hate the idea of getting stuck in this town, so I don't have any desire to get involved with a guy who lives here. And it's not that I don't want to go to the prom, but there's only a month till graduation, and three months till I'm outta here altogether. No point complicating things by having a big expensive date. I'm just going to go with Sadie and make fun of everyone else.

"Doesn't anyone remember what a loser Fred was before people knew he was a vampire?" Peter asks as Fred slides his hand up Michelle's leg under the table. I swear I see Fred glance around to make sure people are watching.

"He was my lab partner for a while," Trinity says. "He'd act like a jerk half the time and mope around the rest."

"Yeah," I say. "I didn't think it was possible, but the guy is both a wiener and a dick."