Michael Showalter - Guys Can Be Cat Ladies Too: A Guidebook for Men and Their Cats

CONTENTS

Introduction

WHICH OF THESE GUYS ARE YOU?

1. Girlfriend Has a Cat Guy

Youve just met the woman of your dreams, but she has a cat. You think cats are weird and aloof, but shes obsessed with the cat. Youre afraid that if you cant get on board with the cat, shell dump you.

2. Roommate Has a Cat Guy

Your new roommate has a cat. You really like your roommate, and more important you really like your room, but the cat scares you and freaks you out and wont leave you alone, and now youre thinking about either killing it or moving out.

3. Boss Has a Cat Guy

Your boss has cats. He wants to show you pictures of them all the time, but to you they just look like big, hairy squirrel faces, and youre afraid that if you dont act all gooey about it, youll lose your job and become a hobo.

4. Moving In with Your Girlfriend Guy

You and your main squeeze are finally moving in together, but youre worried that her cats wont like you and will treat you like youre some kind of creepy new boyfriend trying to edge in on their territory.

5. Cat-Curious Guy

Youre a guy and you just straight up want a cat, but youre afraid of these new feelings. If I get a cat, will I ever get laid again? you ask yourself. Admit it: Youre cat curious.

Hello, future fellow Cat Lady Guy, and welcome to this book!

If any of these guys sound like you, then youve come to the right place. Lets face it: you, like so many other dudes, have zero idea how to deal with a cat. Its like they say, Men are from Mars, cats are from Venus. Cats are as alien as, well, aliens.

Cats are complicated, and though you retain many endearing qualities (you can crush a beer can on your forehead, you can juggle a Hacky Sack and talk on the phone at the same time, you can recite entire South Park episodes by heart), you lack the refinement and sensitivities necessary for successful cat cohabitation.

And really, at the end of the day, dont you want to be more than just a dude who lives with a cat? Dont you seek a relationship beyond just roomies? Dont you want to share your life with something? And then, if it goes well, get another one? Maybe there are multiple cats that strike your fancy. Get five! Get twenty-five! No judgment here. One mans pepper is another mans porridge.

But, Mike, Im hopeless! I tried to pet my girlfriends cat and it hissed at me and scratched my face.

Fret not, [insert your name], because in these pages, I will teach you and all other guys, even the most hopeless of Neanderthals, everything you need to know so that you can get along with, appreciate, understand, and, yes, love that most mysterious and elusive of Gods creatures: the domestic house cat. Before too long, [insert your name], youll be doing a lot more than just petting your cat, I promise you that.

Allow this guide to take you on a journey of self-discoveryin the span of 176 pages you will be transformed from a butt-picking, misshapen, semi-incompetent caveman into a true pet-loving gentleman, into maybe, just maybe, a FULL. FLEDGED. CAT LADY. Thats right, you heard me correctly, a Cat Lady.

Fellas, if you complete my course all the way to its final chapter, you too can walk around all day in sweatpants mumbling to yourself about coupons while thousands of little cat eyes watch your every move. You too can share meaningful conversations that are one part Here, kitty! to two parts Meow!

Because you know what, friend?

Guys can be cat ladies too.

A Note to Girlfriends, Roommates, and Wives

First let me say that I understand you and what youve been through and what hes put you through and what hes put your cat or cats through and I want you to know that your guy is in good hands with me. He is unquestionably a hard case, pathetic even, but in my experience no situation is too difficult to overcome. It will take time, of course. We will need to break him down and rebuild from the first brick. He must unlearn what little he already knows and be taught new things. But I assure you, it can be done. My only advice is that you please try to be patient and supportive during this turbulent time as he learns how to become a more complete person.

A PICTORIAL GLOSSARY OF BASIC TERMS

PART ONE

BEGINNER CAT

What is a cat? Sounds like a silly question, right? But for so many men, it is a legitimate query. We are conditioned from an early age not to ask questions, and for that we pay the price as ignorant, yet curious adults. This book removes the stigma and encourages you to ask away.

Lets start with the basics.

CHAPTER 1

What Is a Cat?

cat noun \'kat\

a. a carnivorous mammal (Felis catus) long domesticated as a pet for catching rodents

b. companion of humans noted for its pointy ears, whiskers, and long catlike tail

c. a cool jazz musician known for being well dressed, good at playing a brass instrument, and also having a way with the ladies.

Have I got your attention now? Have you already learned something you didnt know before?

A BRIEF HISTORY OF CATS

Cats were first domesticated in the Neolithic period, but really came into popularity as prized pets in ancient Egypt, where they were worshipped as gods. Cats were also admired in ancient Rome and appreciated for their mice-hunting skills in the Far East.

The Middle Ages saw a dark time for cats, as the tide of public opinion turned toward cats are the devil. The ill-informed masses massacred cats by the thousands, and the Western world paid a heavy price for its unwise War on Cats: the decrease in cat population led to an increase in rat population, and, ultimately, to the Black Death of 1348.

WHAT WAS THE BLACK DEATH?

The Black Death is also referred to as the Great Plague and the Great Pestilence.

It was a devastating outbreak of bubonic plague that hit Europe in 1348.