Patricia Carlin - How to Make Your Cat an Internet Celebrity: A Guide to Financial Freedom

Acknowledgments

Wed like to thank the following cats (and their agents, managers, publicists, and hairdressers) for lending their time and talent to this project. We wish you all fame, fortune, and nine lifetimes of powerful brand awareness.

: Jeebus (Emily)

: Leo (April)

: Snacks and Chaz (Jamie)

: Bach and Handel (Eugene)

: Luna and Raygun (Vince and Tara D.)

: Lt. Ellen T. Ripley (Timaree and Carl)

: Nigel and Rupert (Alix and Brian)

: Djuna and Zora (Rachel)

: Miko (Joelle)

: Prudence (Tara H.)

: Triscuit (Jerry)

: Eliot (Christina)

: Preta (Kerry)

: Cleo (Bobbi and Stephen)

: Meemz and Boswell (Helen and Lucia)

: Lincoln (Bobbi and Matthew)

: Smokey and Dexter (Linda and Larry)

: Durkadurkadurkadurka (Annie)

: Owlbert (Poliana)

: Abstract Cat and Inky Dink (Dustin)

: Claude (Alex)

: Harper Lee (Lisa)

: Chops and Corn (dog) (Kay)

: Stevie (Megan)

: Oliver (Barry and Gina); Bootsie (Eleanor and Peter)

: Ronnie (Christine)

: Mewmerz (Kristina)

: Wally (Ilana and Jed)

: Astrid (Sarah)

Patricia Carlin is the author of How to Tell If Your Boyfriend Is the Antichrist (and If He Is, Should You Break Up with Him?). She lives in Pennsylvania. Dustin Fenstermacher is a photographer whose work has appeared in the New York Times, Vice, Village Voice, New Jersey Magazine, Washington Post Magazine, and a litany of other publications

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You think you know your cat. But do you? Gerald Wenderson of Bayonne, New Jersey, thought he knew his kitty Chalky pretty well. But then one day he saw his chubby gray shorthaired feline napping on a blue blanket, and an idea was born. Now Cloud Cat has become a beloved Internet meme, Photoshopped into the skies from Hong Kong to Hackensack. Surely youre familiar with his famous catchphrase, Meows the weather down there? And Im certain that your cat possesses some special talent or freakish attribute that can propel him into the stratosphere. All you need to do is find it.

Whats the easiest way to identify your cats special gifts? Just memorize this simple acronym: OBISTPHYBEHO. It stands for OBserve, Identify, STudy, PHYsical, BEhavioral, HOnesty. Heres how the system works:

Step 1.OBSERVE. Assess your felines potential by taking a long hard look at him. Place your cat in a well-lit room. Study him from all angles, moving slowly so as not to trigger a startle reaction. You should know this cat well enough to pick him out of a police lineup (and dont think that scenario wont ever happen).

Step 2.IDENTIFY your cats most noteworthy features. Youll have to ask hard questions. What makes your cat meme-worthy? Why would a complete stranger want to immortalize this animal on a Facebook wall? Remember, your cat will be vying with hedgehogs, pandas, babies, and Bible quotes for that same space. What does she bring to the table? Jot down anything that comes to mind: dreamy eyes, a mellifluous meow, a two-tone coat, the ability to fart while eating.

Step 3.STUDY the notes from Step 2. Do they make any sense at all? Are you even taking notes? If not, repeat steps 1 and 2.

Step 4.Focus on the PHYSICAL. Consider your cat as if he was a physical object; a delicate sculpture perhaps, or a pile of sweat socks. What are his best angles? Does he even have angles? Are most of his flaws confined to one side of the body? Does your cat need dental work, a haircut, or perhaps a bath?

In the world of feline fame, seemingly negative characteristics can be a ticket to wildly disproportionate success.

Step 5.Focus on the BEHAVIORAL. Its not only the way a cat looks that makes her famous; its also the way she acts. This may be the hardest assessment to make since, 99% of the time, most cats dont do anything. Or do they? Take a closer look perhaps her whiskers twitch in a funny way when she yawns. Maybe her tail taps out the rhythm to Ravels Bolero. When guests come over, is there something she does that visitors find fascinating? For instance, do they comment on the cats resemblance to Agnes Moorehead, her cute way of chewing on extension cords, or perhaps her hostile reaction to being touched? Hollywood uses focus groups all the time to test what works. You can, too, just by luring a small group of trusted acquaintances to your home and keeping them in a room with your cat for several hours. Take notes.

Step 6.Employ HONESTY. Its quite possible that your emotional attachment to this creature may blind you to your cats relative lack of pizzazz. You think youve got a super-cutie-pie, but in fact what you have is a gargoyle. You view your pet as a Stephen Hawkinglevel supergenius, when in truth he couldnt think his way out of a paper bag (literally). But take heart! In the world of feline fame, seemingly negative characteristics can be a ticket to wildly disproportionate success. It may be painful to acknowledge that your cat is hideous, clumsy, or unpleasant. But none of that means he cant make bank.

Its sometimes difficult to be critical of someone you love (even if that someone stalks and kills innocent songbirds for fun). So read on to learn how you can determine your cats particular skill set. Figure that out, and youre one step closer to needing brand-new dreams, because the old ones have all come true.