Patricia Carlin - How to Tell if Your Boyfriend Is the Antichrist: (and if he is, should you break up with him?)

Lets face it. Lust can severely impair your judgment. So when you meet a hot new guy, it may be hard to tell the difference between a quirk and a severe personality disorder. Is he a pedophile or just great with children? Can you ever really know for sure? Probably not without a hidden camera.

But luckily, there are some early warning signs. And if youre looking for love, its crucial that you learn to identify those signs immediately. Thats where this essential guide comes in. Sort of a cross between The Rules, Hes Just Not That Into You , and the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders , it teaches you to instantly spot all kinds of dangerous personality types, including serial killers, stalkers, pimps, and Scientologists.

More importantly, it offers valuable tips on how to quickly and safely dump them, so you can exit a bad relationship before it even starts. Thats before you wind up with a drinking problem, a criminal record, or multiple stab wounds. Talk about empowerment.

The point is not to frighten you into permanent single status. Its simply this: If you want to find your soulmate, you have to make informed romantic choices. So dont get down on love. But dont let yourself get tossed into a shallow grave behind the interstate, either. Youll never meet a nice guy there .

Never says God bless you when you sneeze.

Unmoved by WWJD.

Drives an SUV with a fish bumper sticker.

Doesnt recycle.

Is self-conscious about his cloven hooves.

Should you break up with him? So you did the Prince of Darkness. Does it make you a bad person? Not necessarily, but your morals are weak at best. Which is exactly what hes looking for in a woman.

But ultimately, its not your body he wants, no matter how hot you are. Hes actually after nothing less than your soul, and not to cherish and nurture, eitherrather, to torture relentlessly in the everlasting fires of hell. So unless youre into that sort of thing, break up now.

If you do decide to stay and give him what he wants, consider yourself warned. As soon as hes finished with you, hell move on to his next conquest without a backward glance. Hell leave you roasting on a spit for all eternity, kicking yourself for your own selfish, destructive choices. Right next to those girls from your junior-high gym class, the Hummer marketing people, and Karl Rove.

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR BOYFRIEND IS THE ANTICHRIST

Your water bill has increased 400 percent since he moved in.

Your face is chafed where he kissed you good-bye eighty-seven times.

He has to clap ten times and touch his nose before he can have an orgasm.

Should you break up with him? Tough call. On the plus side, you can absolutely count on him. He certainly follows a set routine. And he doesnt have much time to cheat between the hand-washings. However, his extracurricular activities may leave little time for you. If you do choose to break up, be persistentyou may have to tell him more than once before it takes.

Has a gym buddy.

Keeps stealing the Abercrombie catalog.

Watches Meg Ryan movies with you instead of the play-offs.

Is content to cuddle most nights, because he had sex at a rest stop on the way home.

Should you break up with him? Its a shame, really. You like your boyfriend so much. You laugh. You shop. You stay up all night talking. You watch The O.C . together. Youve just got so much in commonall but one little thing. Testicles. And thats a definite dealbreaker. So unless you sprout a pair after reading this, move on. You can still laugh and shop together. Just remember to make yourself available to the heterosexual male population for the committed relationship you so richly deserve. Or, at the very least, for wild, anonymous sex.

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Surprisingly little baggage.

Simple name (i.e., Bob Spoon, Jack Jackson).

You found him wandering the streets with a bandage on his head.

Honestly perplexed about the origin of his tattoo.

Doesnt think hes ever loved like this before.

Should you break up with him? Are you kidding? Hes a clean slate. You can dress him how you like, you choose all the movies, and he has no annoying friends or family. Jackpot! The only downsides are: (1) he could regain his memory, and with it, some control of the relationship; and (2) his family and/or friends may find and reclaim him. But they might not recognize him with the makeover you gave him. Keep him while you can.

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HOW TO TELL IF YOUR BOYFRIEND IS SUFFERING FROM AMNESIA

You met him at the bus station the day you arrived from Kansas.

Thinks high school is for suckers, too.

Asks you to stop at the drugstore to pick up some roofies on your way home.

Should you break up with him? If youre going to be a ho, be your own ho. If you dont want to be a ho, dont talk to men hanging around bus stations. When youre oldersay, eighteen or nineteenyoull understand that. Get away from this guy immediately. And this isnt a breakup, its really more of an escape, so treat it as such. Run back to the nearest cornfield and stay there till youre thirty.

Changes his mind a lot.

That freckle keeps moving.

Sometimes he looks five minutes older.

Should you break up with him? These two will certainly keep you on your toes. Theyre into playing games. If you are too, try this one out: Tell your boyfriend that youve got some exciting news. Youre expecting his baby! Of course youre planning to keep it. Does he want to get married or simply kick in for child support for the next twenty years? Then sit back and allow the finger pointing to begin. Ha. Games are fun.

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Its easy to get lost in his large, soulful eyes.