Cindy Chupack - The Between Boyfriends Book: A Collection of Cautiously Hopeful Essays

the between boyfriends book

the between boyfriends book

A Collection of

Cautiously Hopeful Essays

by Cindy Chupack

S t. M artins P ress N ew Y ork

THE BETWEEN BOYFRIENDS BOOK: A COLLECTION OF
CAUTIOUSLY HOPEFUL ESSAYS. Copyright 2003 by
Cindy Chupack. All rights reserved. Printed in the
United States of America. No part of this book may
be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever
without written permission except in the case of
brief quotations embodied in critical articles or
reviews. For information, address St. Martins
Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.

www.stmartins.com

The following stories appeared in somewhat different
form in Glamour: Lone Rangered, Sexual
Sorbet, Relationship Equivalency Exam,
Halloweenies, Your Number, Relationship
Reruns, Cupidity, Last Call, The Visa
Defense, Male Friend Moratorium, Snooze
Lose Syndrome, Sports Dates, Daters
Remorse, Do Not Resuscitate Romance (DNRR)
Order, The Frequent Crier Conundrum, Close
trophobia, Retrodating, and Premature
Wejaculation. The Rant appeared in somewhat
different form in Slate, Carmunication in
Harpers Bazaar, Going Hollywood in Allure, and
The Real New York Marathon in New York
Woman.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Chupack, Cindy.

The between boyfriends book : a collection of cautiously hopeful essays / Cindy Chupak.1st ed.

p. cm.

ISBN 0-312-30903-1

1. Single womenPsychology. 2. Dating (Social customs)Humor. 3. Man-woman relationshipsHumor. 4. Separation (Psychology) I. Title.

HQ800.2.C48 2003

306.7dc21

2002045584

First Edition: August 2003

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

To my wonderfully funny friends

for their support between and during,

and to my parents and sister

for remaining cautiously hopeful

This collection is the result of many long, hard years of research, and by that, of course, I mean dating. I have written about dating and relationships for television (Sex and the City) and several magazines. The fact that I have lots of dating experience seems to be a plus to these people, even though I keep thinking that it should prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have no idea what the hell Im doing.

One magazine recently offered me a dating advice column, and I said I would love to take that on if readers would be giving me advice, or if it could be a bad advice column in which I would offer helpful hints like, Maybe your new boyfriend doesnt understand how much you love him. Call him more often! Surprise him at work! Bake him something heart-shaped! Cry after sex! Men cant get enough of that stuff.

Id like to think the reason Ive been successful writing about relationships (if not in actual relationships) is that I still believe in love, and I believe deep down all of us do. (Maybe not right after a breakup, but within the next calendar year.) I continue to date and write and hope, and hope to date Mr. Right. But given that Im still singleor between boyfriends as I prefer to call itand so many fabulous women I know are between boyfriends, Id like to say for the record that this book is not about giving advice. Its about commiserating and ultimately celebrating this crazy, heart wrenching, exhilarating time in our lives, because it doesnt last forever. It only seems like forever.

the breakup

LONE RANGERED: To have had a relationship end in a mysterious and annoying waywith no good-bye, no answers, just the vague feeling that you have no idea who that man was.

Men are good at a lot of things. Breaking up is not one of them. When a woman wants to break up with a man, she invites him over for dinner, cooks his favorite dish, and tells him shes seeing his best friend. Its all very straightforward and diplomatic. But men have this weird aversion to endings. They prefer to take the passive mode, allowing the relationship to end itself. Men cant be bothered with dramatic farewells, the questioning of motives, discussions. They are bored. They want out. Good-bye.

I remember the first time a boy broke up with me. We were in the seventh grade. He invited me over after school, said he just wanted to be friends, then had his mother drive me home. It was all downhill from there. In more recent years, a doorman informed me that my date was not coming down. Ever. A friend called her boyfriend and found out he had moved to a new city. A coworker happened upon a personal ad placed by the man she was dating.

Every woman, with the possible exception of Cindy Crawford, has a story like this. She may have dated the man a few weeks or a few years. They may have shared a cab or an apartment. It doesnt matter. For some reason, the man thinks that the decision to break up is none of her business. (Of course, some women do the same thing. But then again, some women mud wrestle.)

Often a woman senses a breakup brewing and tries to get the man to sit down and fess up. This is futile. The average male gets this beam-me-up-Scotty look on his face as soon as you mention the word discussion. He avoids subsequent contact as if you were trying to serve him a subpoena. Then, when you finally work up the nerve to ask him what the heck is going on, he pretends youre imagining the whole thing. Its all part of the game, and evidently the winner is the one who can quit the game without ever talking about it.

Some men admit they avoid confrontation because theyre afraid well cry. Of course well cry; we cry at Hallmark commercials. What they dont understand is that were not crying because of them, were crying because now we have to get naked in front of someone else. Its enough already.

Its a rare and brave man who breaks up in person. Most likely he has sisters and does volunteer work. Hell say things youve heard before: Im unable to make a commitment. I dont have time to be the kind of boyfriend you deserve. Then hell add, I hope we can eventually be friends. Id really miss your company. It doesnt matter if hes lying, telling the truth, or quoting something he read in a womans magazine. At least hes trying.

Most men, however, think that even making a phone call to end a relationship is excessive. Whats the point? they want to know. The humane thing, theyve decided, is not to call, but instead to disappear like the Lone Ranger. These men believe in Close your eyes and make it go away. They believe in the Fifth Amendment. They believe in absentee ballots. They may ski black diamonds, walk barefoot on hot asphalt, skydive for fun, but measured on their fear of confrontation, these guys are wimps.

Theyll say theyre going to the rest room and never return. Then theyll meet friends for drinks and say, She just doesnt get it, or What do I have to do, spell it out for her? Its not that we dont get it. After about three weeks of shampooing with the water offjust in case he callswe get the picture. But wed like to feel like more than simply a notch in somebodys bedpost. Stranded without an explanation, we sound like the neighbors of a murderer. He seemed nice. Kind of kept to himself. This came as a complete surprise. Underneath, of course, we know.

You can spot a woman whose relationship is disintegrating because her answering machine gives hourly updates of her whereabouts. Im at work now, but Ill be home by seven. Im at aerobics. Im in the shower. Meanwhile,