Brown Pauline - Getting back out there: secrets to successful dating and finding true love after the big breakup

getting
back
out
there

secrets to successful dating and
finding real love after the big breakup

Susan J. Elliott JD, MEd

A Member of the Perseus Books Group

Copyright 2015 by Susan J. Elliott

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher. Printed in the United States of America. For information, address Da Capo Press, 44 Farnsworth Street, 3rd Floor, Boston, MA 02210

Designed by Pauline Brown Set in 11.75-point Adobe Garamond Pro by the Perseus Books Group

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Elliott, Susan J.

Getting back out there : secrets to successful dating and finding true love after the big breakup / by Susan J. Elliott. First Da Capo Press edition.

pages cm

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 978-0-7382-1683-6 (paperback) ISBN 978-0-7382-1684-3 (e-book) 1. Dating (Social customs) 2. Man-woman relationships. 3. Interpersonal relations. 4. Separation (Psychology) 5. Rejection (Psychology) 6. DivorcePsychological aspects. I. Title.

HQ801.E3977 2014

306.73dc23

2014031431

First Da Capo Press edition 2014 Published by Da Capo Press A Member of the Perseus Books Group www.dacapopress.com

Note: The information in this book is true and complete to the best of our knowledge. This book is intended only as an informative guide for those wishing to know more about health issues. In no way is this book intended to replace, countermand, or conflict with the advice given to you by your own physician. The ultimate decision concerning care should be made between you and your doctor. We strongly recommend you follow his or her advice. Information in this book is general and is offered with no guarantees on the part of the authors or Da Capo Press. The authors and publisher disclaim all liability in connection with the use of this book.

Da Capo Press books are available at special discounts for bulk purchases in the U.S. by corporations, institutions, and other organizations. For more information, please contact the Special Markets Department at the Perseus Books Group, 2300 Chestnut Street, Suite 200, Philadelphia, PA 19103, or call (800) 810-4145, ext. 5000, or e-mail .

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

In loving memory of

Michael Anthony DiCarlo

who taught me what real love is

Emotional responsiveness is the basis of loving and being loved.

John Bowlby

An author needs much support to bring a book to fruition. And when it has been as full of detours as this one has been, it requires much heavier lifting and a stellar supporting cast and crew, and I am blessed with the best one ever.

Deep love and appreciation for the good nature and profound strength of my son Christopher DeCarlo who, as the oldest sibling, knows how to put family first and foremost.

Much love and gratitude to Heather Johnson for her unwavering care and support during the hurricane and my subsequent medical treatment; to Theresa DiCarlo and Marian Erickson for listening and lending support; to my dear friend Candice Cook Simmons whose own remarkable love story is portrayed in these pages.

Much love to my sons Nicholas and Michael and their wives Kristen and Carrie.

Much gratitude for the love and hugs from my beautiful grandchildren, C . J., Derek, Brynn, and Savana. You are my heart .

Much gratitude to my first editor, Katie McHugh, for welcoming the original idea and to my current editor, Renee Sedliar, for Herculean efforts in propelling it forward and listening to me even when I was ranting and raving.

To my St. Helenas/Monsignor Scanlan High School (Bronx, NY) sisters who make up one of the most special groups Ive ever been privileged to be a part of. Thank you for your love, support, appreciation, laughter, and care of one another.

For the support and contributions of Julie Hecht, Jane Uitti, Paul Sonkin, Charlene Sanducci Ludwig, and Jamie Flatley.

Enormous gratitude to my doctor, Timothy Mims, for his compassionate care and treatment. Without it, I could not have contemplated this book after suffering so many physical setbacks in such a short time.

To Southside Johnny Lyon for pulling me on stage when I needed it and for the welcoming members of the Jukebox for all the fun at all the shows.

To all my GPYB blog and book readers who gave me feedback and answered surveys and shared stories and allowed me to be a part of your process from heartbreak to happiness. You did it!

Contents

When Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You ( GPY B ) was published in 2009, the preface detailed my personal story of overcoming abuse, getting past a devastating divorce, and building a new life. GPYB was written after twenty years of experience doing my own work, working with others, and being happily married to the love of my life, my husband Michael. Two weeks after I submitted the GPYB manuscript, Michael was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. The book was released in April 2009, but my book promotion appearances were limited due to Michaels deteriorating condition.

Fortunately, GPYB did well thanks to good reviews, loyal blog readers, and word of mouth. As the books success grew and I was quoted in mainstream magazines, newspapers, and websites, readers asked if I counseled private clients, especially as they began to work through the GPYB relationship, life, and parent inventories and moved back to the world of post-breakup dating and relationships. Readers feeling bereft and lost after their breakup wanted to work with me because GPYB discussed breakups within the framework of grieving them as a major loss.

I was, however, dealing with my own loss. After Michael passed in August 2009, my plan was to see my daughter off to college in 2011 and then tend to my own life. I always suggest that readers rebuild after a breakup, and although my situation was different, it was time for me to change my life and move on. My plan fell into disarray when I fell down a flight of stairs and fractured my back. The days and nights that followed, in a large, empty house once filled with laughter and love, seemed endless. After being rocked by my husbands death, I had no idea how much more adversity I would face.