Nick Viall - Dont Text Your Ex Happy Birthday: And Other Advice on Love, Sex, and Dating

Editor: Samantha Weiner
Managing Editor: Mike Richards
Designer: Zach Bokhour
Design Manager: Heesang Lee
Production Manager: Rachael Marks

Library of Congress Control Number: 2022933587

ISBN: 978-1-4197-5549-1
eISBN: 978-1-64700-360-9
Signed Edition ISBN: 978-1-4197-6668-8

Text copyright 2022 Nick Viall
Illustrations copyright 2022 Abrams
Cover 2022 Abrams

Published in 2022 by Abrams Image, an imprint of ABRAMS. All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher.

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This whole book is about being honest with yourself. Despite the title, this book is not really about trying to understand other peoplethis book is really about understanding yourself, and understanding your choices. Its about getting the outcome that you want in the long term, avoiding the outcome you dont want, and not feeling bad about yourself unnecessarily in the short term. Most of the things I talk about are really just about controlling the things you can control, not giving away the power you do have, and not wasting your mental energy or your time.

Why am I even writing this book? Where am I coming from? Im always careful to make it very clear that Im obviously not a trained expert in this type of thing, I am not a therapist or relationship counselor, and Im not an anthropology professorI didnt take classes for this. Im just some guy giving his point of view, which, luckily for me, a lot of people seem to find helpful and interesting.

Everybody knows my dating history from my thirties: I was on TV, pretty obviously totally invested in dating and finding someone, in finding a serious relationship. Since my stint in front of the camera ended, theres a series I do on a weekly basis on Instagram where I get questions from my followers. Theyre relationship-type questions, and my answers vary from funny one-liners to short explanations. Over the years that evolved into a podcast, where people call in and we talk, and its more of a long-form advice situation.

A lot of people might wonderwhy is this guy talking about dating? Since Ive been on dating shows, theres this perception out there about the type of relationships Ive been in, or that this dating thing might not ever be a challenging thing for me at all. But Ive been engaged twice, been horribly ghosted through lots of breakups that felt like the end of the world, been cheated on by a fiance, moved in with partners, and moved them out. And Ive felt pain and rejection and confusion, Ive felt powerless and frustrated, and Ive also felt love, real love, healthy love. Thats the point of view Im coming from nowI dont think a lot of people know that. I relate to heartacheand if you dont believe me, skip ahead and check out the whole story of my first terrible heartache on . I want you to know that I understand, and that I really have been through this stuff too.

A lot of other people might also think, why is this straight, white dude telling me how I should act or think? And I recognize that toothere are plenty of people who might feel that way, and to a certain degree, I cant help that, but I do want to talk about it.

Obviously, there are always critics on the internet. When you put stuff out there, its open for criticismand thats okay. One person, you know, they referred to me as a reformed fuckboy, just because of the perception of me on TV. They wrote, Why is this reformed fuckboy telling women and anyone else what they should do better, or how they should act? She followed that up with, Why dont you talk to men and tell them to act better?

And, my response to that is: Well, I dont have access to the person whos doing you wrong, and I dont know why theyre doing it. But I do think I can offer you a couple bits of advice and tools to help control your situationeither you can do something differently and improve the situation you choose to be in, or you can remove yourself from the situation. I can try to help you understand your situation a little bit more honestly.

Literally, every time someone calls or writes in, all Im doing is trying to get a more honest interpretation of their situationand Ive said this one line all the timebecause no one will lie to you more than you will lie to yourself. We all know the biggest liars we will ever meet are ourselves. Were in our heads all the time, lying to ourselves constantly, right? Were rewriting narratives and events because we have egos, and were often afraid of the truth, or because were invested in one outcome. And that gets us into these situations, or makes us stay in situations that maybe arent the best for us. And Im just trying to give the people asking for my help a very honest point of view.

Many of the questions submitted to me are from womennot exclusively, but thats the majority of my audience. But honestly, I generally believe that most of my advice is really applicable to anyone regardless of your gender or sexual identity. I do want to address the people who read that last sentence with some skepticism: Whoever you are reading this book, I am sure there are many differences between you and me. I cant begin to understand all your struggles, but when it comes to love, dating, and heartbreak, I have experienced many of the fears and disappointments. I have worried about ending up alone, I have been insecure about not being enough, and I have wasted a ton of my time and energy on people who didnt give the same back to me.

In my own life, I ultimately realized that maybe I didnt deserve what happened to me in the past, but I did give that power to other people. I chose to give it to them. I chose to give them the opportunity to hurt or confuse me over and over. I chose to do all that. And Ive learned that I need to stop doing that, regardless of what they do, because I cant control what they do. I can only control what I do. I spent a lot of energy trying to figure out how I could change their minds or change their perspectives and change their actions. And I realized that its a losing battle, and one that also made me feel very powerless. Understanding how to be more honest with yourself and feel more powerful in dating is generally the overall theme of what I talk about online, and in my podcast, and in this book.