Marni Kamis - The Breakup Repair Kit: How to Heal Your Broken Heart

First published in 2004 by Conari Press, an imprint of

Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC York Beach, ME

With offices at: 368 Congress Street, Boston, MA 02210

www.redwheelweiser.com

Copyright 2004 Marni Kamins and Janice MacLeod

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC. Reviewers may quote brief passages.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Kamins, Marni.

The breakup repair kit / Marni Kamins and Janice MacLeod.

p. cm.

ISBN 1-57324-919-X

1. Man-woman relationships. 2. Separation (Psychology)

3. Single womenPsychology. I. MacLeod, Janice. II. Title.

HQ801.K325 2004

306.7dc22

2003015685

Typeset in Bembo

Printed in the United States of America

RRD

The paper used in this publication meets the minimum requirements of the American National Standard for Information Sciences-Permanence of Paper for Printed Library Materials Z39.48-1992 (R1997).

11 10 09 08 07 06 05 04 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

For all those who have fallen in,

crawled out, and stood again.

O w, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow!

I know! It hurts. It really, really hurts. Whether you are the dump-ee or the dump-er, a breakup hurts. Of course it does. And it should. Not because you're a bad person, but because...well, let's put it this way: God forbid you should date someone you wouldn't miss! It's also normal for you to have mixed feelings about a breakup, as in I never want to see you again... unless you're wearing those jeans! or Wow, you're cute when you're packing. It all goes with the tricky, murky, yucky territory.

Still, all of this isin terms of your ultimate happiness and loveabilityjust the messy stuff of life, not the sloppy kiss of death. In fact, here's the good news you'll find in this book: You'll be over it before you know it. Know why? Because over it doesn't mean that you never think of him, or that it doesn't hurt when you do.Over it means that there might still be a little piece of him stuck to your back, in that place you can't reach. But hey, it's on your back, not in your way. You, Miss Thing, are free to move on. And that's just what Marni and Janice's Breakup Repair Kit will do: help you move on while holding on to everything you will have learned about yourself and about what you'll need from your next relationship. Which brings me to the other good news. Now you're free to meet The One!

Lynn Harris, co-creator of BreakupGirl.net

The very fact that you have opened this book means that you have begun to heal. You are showing yourself that you are willing to learn from your experiences. Nice job! You deserve an amazing, wonderful, and juicy life.

With love,

Janice and Marni

W e have both been through intense breakups, and we have come out the other end feeling better.This book holds comforting tools to keep you company through your breakup, the aftermath, and then the next relationship.

In Part I,The Mourning After, you will be introduced to the various stages of healing.We will show you how to deal with what is coming up and how to counsel yourself as you go through the stages of loss.

In Part II,Rebuild Your Life, you will learn what you want to do with all the extra time you now have without him.We help you remember what you once loved, how to nurture your relationship with yourself, and how rebuild your life.

In Part III,Back in the Saddle,we help you experiment with getting back into the dating scene and knowing when you are ready to start.We offer tips and advice on how to love yourself as you pass into the next phase of your life.

Be bold, be brave, and continue on!

Janice's Breakup

My most painful breakup was (and is) hard to get over. We broke up at the beginning of summer. He says it was mutual. It wasn't. I sensed he wanted out, so we decided to break up. The summer was a blur for me. My head was cloudy, and I couldn't think clearly. I know I probably cried a lot, read a lot, and felt really yucky most of the time. But I can't really remember the summer season. It's like my brain shut off so that I could focus on trying to live my life as normally as I could. For months, I didn't tell anyone we had broken up. Whenever someone would ask about him, I'd simply say he was working a lot and was fine. They figured no news was good news.

I couldn't speak the words we broke up without crying. Autumn came, and the cold snap snapped me out of my brain haze. I fell apart. I began to cry and get angry. I was having a hard time dealing. But with advice from friends, professional help, and time, it's starting to ease up.

Breakups teach. There are lessons to learn from every relationship. Sometimes it takes a long time to learn what those lessons are. Keep the faith. If you want healing, you'll get it exactly when you need it. And you'll be better off for it.

Janice

Marni's Breakup

The sadness after my breakup felf confusing because I was the one who initiated the breakup. I thought he was my first love. I thought he was the one I had been waiting for my whole life. Not staying with him felt like it would be the mistake of my life. He told me we might be soul matessomething I had always dreamed of. He had everything that I thought was important, and he seemed so much more grown up than I was. I thought that if I were with him, I would learn how to be more like him. He was so fearless and persistent in taking me out. No one had ever cared that much about getting to know me. I didn't want to let go of him and run the risk of regretting it for the rest of my life.

But I also couldn't ignore how drained I felt when I spent time with him. And how unheard, unseen, and alone I felt when we were intimate. I felt like my wings were clipped. I figured this was as good as it gets so I'd better settle in for the long run. He was a wonderful, sweet, gentle man who I thought treated me well. Still, I felt caged and not good enough. I could never seem to give him what he wanted from me. I thought that maybe we would get married, that he would save me and make my life okay and comfortable. I thought he would hand me success. But I wasn't happy. I felt tired and used up. So I broke up. It was heartbreaking and wonderful. I felt sad and hurt and especially guilty about putting my happiness first by deciding to break up. There was a new freedom in going to sleep in fresh sheets and waking up rested. My life felt less crowded and lighter all of the sudden. I started to enjoy the little things; for instance, it felt delicious to eat food that gave me bad breath because I knew I wouldn't be kissing him that day. I felt like my wings were growing back.