Lindsay Wong - The Woo-Woo: How I Survived Ice Hockey, Drug Raids, Demons, and My Crazy Chinese Family

MORE PRAISE FOR

THE
WOO
WOO

That Lindsay Wong is even alive to write this book is amazing. Her black humour combines with compassion: she represents the realities of mental illness in her family while still telling us the story from their perspective: that of people haunted by the woo-woo. After you read this book, you may be, tooin the best way.

Sarah Perry, author of After the Eclipse:

A Mothers Murder, a Daughters Search

Youll find yourself wincing and snickering and possibly weeping long after reading the last eloquent sentence. The Woo-Woo is both heart-wrenching and batshit insane, and is also beautifully rendered and fearless in its whip-smart humour.

Sean Madigan Hoen, author of Songs Only You Know: A Memoir

Equal parts appalling and riveting, The Woo-Woo proves that a sense of humour can get you through the most dire circumstances. A riveting, unbelievable family epic told in exquisite, visceral proseyou wont believe its not fiction.

Elizabeth Greenwood, author of

Playing Dead: A Journey through the World of Death Fraud

No definition of dysfunctional in any language on earth can hope to adequately describe the bizarre, darkly hilarious antics of Lindsay Wongs extended immigrant family. Every page of this no-holds-barred memoir will leave you astonished and incredulous.

Andreas Schroeder, author of Renovating Heaven

LINDSAY WONG

THE
WOO
WOO

HOW I SURVIVED ICE HOCKEY, DRUG RAIDS, DEMONS, AND MY CRAZY CHINESE FAMILY

THE WOO-WOO

Copyright 2018 by Lindsay Wong

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any part by any meansgraphic, electronic, or mechanicalwithout the prior written permission of the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may use brief excerpts in a review, or in the case of photocopying in Canada, a licence from Access Copyright.

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PRESS Suite 202 211 East Georgia St.

Vancouver, BC V6A 1Z6

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The publisher gratefully acknowledges the support of the Canada Council for the Arts and the British Columbia Arts Council for its publishing program, and the Government of Canada, and the Government of British Columbia (through the Book Publishing Tax Credit Program), for its publishing activities.

Arsenal Pulp Press acknowledges the xmkym (Musqueam), Swxw7mesh (Squamish), and slilwta (Tsleil-Waututh) Nations, speakers of Hulquminum/Halqemylem/hnqminm and custodians of the traditional, ancestral, and unceded territories where our office is located. We pay respect to their histories, traditions, and continuous living cultures and commit to accountability, respectful relations, and friendship.

Cover and text design by Oliver McPartlin

Edited by Shirarose Wilensky

Copy edited by Doretta Lau

Printed and bound in Canada

Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication:

Wong, Lindsay, 1987-, author

The woo-woo : how I survived ice hockey, drug raids, demons, and my crazy Chinese family / Lindsay Wong.

Issued in print and electronic formats.

ISBN 978-1-55152-736-9 (softcover).--ISBN 978-1-55152-737-6 (HTML)

1. Wong, Lindsay, 1987-. 2. Wong, Lindsay, 1987- Childhood and youth. 3. Wong, Lindsay, 1987- Family. 4. Wong, Lindsay, 1987- Mental health. 5. Chinese CanadiansBritish ColumbiaVancouverBiography. 6. PsychosesPatientsBritish ColumbiaVancouverBiography. 7. PsychosesPatientsFamily relationshipsBritish ColumbiaVancouver. I. Title.

I dedicate this book to my past, present, and future selves, in all variations and parallel dimensions. For why else would anyone write a memoir?

Joking aside, this book is for anyone who has ever felt like an extraterrestrial bystander on Earth.

CONTENTS

AUTHORS NOTE

E verything in this book is true to my memory of the weirdo happenings of my life. Several character names and identifying characteristics have been changed. In some cases, details and timing have been compressed, expanded, or rearranged to facilitate a coherent account. I have done my best to portray these events accurately, despite the fallible nature of memory.

WONG FAMILY TREE

The Family in Hongcouver (the Chan Clan)

Cloudy Heroine (great-grandmother, mother of Poh-Poh)

Poh-Poh (maternal grandmother, a.k.a the Grand Dame of Woo-Woo)

Gung-Gung (maternal grandfather)

Beautiful One (youngest of the Woo-Woo, a.k.a the Bridge Jumper of Hongcouver)

Uncle E.T. (husband of Beautiful One, L.s uncle)

Flowery Face (younger daughter of Beautiful One, L.s cousin)

The Residents of Pot Mountain

Confucius Gentleman (father of L., husband of Quiet Snow)

Quiet Snow (mother of L., wife of Confucius Gentleman)

Lindsay, a.k.a Retarded One (eldest daughter and narrator)

Deep Thinker (younger sister of Lindsay)

Make Lots of Money (brother of Lindsay, the youngest of the family)

PROLOGUE

BRAIN CHILD

M iss Wong, you are seriously ill, the neurologist in a midtown office said, preparing to offer me a sympathy tissue. But I was dry-eyed and benignly frosty, my way of responding to shitty news. It wasnt like me to fake a ladylike smile, or even to cry.

The visual disturbances arent going away, he continued, as if he were delivering a lecture in one of my writing workshops at Columbia University. Migraine-related vestibulopathy isnt like having a cold. Objects and people are going to float around you. Youre going to see bright auras. Youre going to feel like youre moving when no one else is. This means that you could have vertigo for the rest of your life. You might have to spend many more months in bed. I dont even know if youll get your ability to read back. You might not be able to finish school. What this means is that you have to start thinking about your future.

There was a dramatic, intentional pausethe kind that customer service representatives and people speaking at funerals like to use.

Have you thought about who will look after you? Do you have any family that you can go to?

I was twenty-two years old and had been on my own in New York City for four months, a good 2,000 miles away from my crazy Chinese family, who were still exorcising fake demonsthe Woo-Woothey called them, from anyone whose opinion they flagrantly disliked. That had included me, and it looked like the Woo-Woo had caught me anyway.

This was normal in our family, who believed that mental illness, or any psychological disturbance, was caused by demonic possession. The Woo-Woo ghosts were sometimes responsible for cancers, unexplainable viruses, and various skin afflictions like mild psoriasis.

Growing up, my superstitious mother always believed that going to the bathroom alone could lead to possession, whereas my father said any emotional weakness would bring on symptoms not unlike those dramatically thwarted in The Exorcist. Lindsay, you cry and your eyeball will fall off, he would explain seriously, while clutching his head like he was having a moderate seizure. Ghosts use any opportunity to possess you, okay? Dont be weak, or its game over for you.