Romesh Ranganathan - Straight Outta Crawley: Memoirs of a Distinctly Average Human Being

For more information on Romesh Ranganathan,

see his website at www.romeshranganathan.co.uk

TRANSWORLD PUBLISHERS

6163 Uxbridge Road, London W5 5SA

www.penguin.co.uk

Transworld is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com

First published in Great Britain in 2018 by Bantam Press

an imprint of Transworld Publishers

Copyright Romesh Ranganathan 2018

Cover Photography by Rich Hardcastle

Cover Design by Richard Ogle and Hand Lettering by Jo Thomson

Romesh Ranganathan has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.

Every effort has been made to obtain the necessary permissions with reference to copyright material, both illustrative and quoted. We apologize for any omissions in this respect and will be pleased to make the appropriate acknowledgements in any future edition.

Front page of Weekend Herald courtesy of Johnston Press. All other images courtesy of the author.

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

Version 1.0 Epub ISBN 9781473542358

ISBN 9780593078259

This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorized distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the authors and publishers rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.

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To Leesa and our beautiful children. I would not have been able to do this without your ongoing ability to generate such an intense financial pressure that I feel I have to continue working. Love you.

The title of this introduction is one of the best opening lines of all time. (Its mostly in the delivery.) Its from a song called Unbelievable by the Notorious B.I.G., and I really want the opening of this book to be as good an introduction to me as that line is to him. But its hard. Writing this book has been as challenging as trying to find a metaphor about what writing a book is like. At first, I really was convinced it was a great idea. I thought I could write about stuff that hadnt appeared in shows, or that I hadnt talked about in stand-up: it would give people an insight above and beyond youd get to see the real me, guys.

When it came to it, though, it quickly became clear that writing a book is no picnic.

Its very tricky to ascertain whats worthy of inclusion. Do you tell every story, or only the ones youd tell down the pub? If someone is a national treasure, every single detail of their life is interesting. If you were reading a book by Stephen Fry, hed say something like Well, you can imagine the confusion when I sat down to drink the tea, and theyd actually given me coffee! Youd read that and tell your friends what a delight Stephen Fry is, and how down to earth he seems to be. Im not at that level. Im not even close to being a national treasure. I dont think you get national treasure status from coming runner-up in the Amused Moose new act competition. But if I was, I would just pack this book full of tea anecdotes and not bloody worry about it.

Theres also part of me that wonders how you, the reader, have ended up holding this book. Theres a good chance youve been given it as a present, so you may feel you have to read it because the giver may ask what you thought of it. I dont agree with that. I think if youre going to give someone a present and later ask for a review, youve given them a responsibility. Youve given them the gift of pressure. But if youve bought it for yourself, thank you for helping me with my self-esteem issues.

It was my birthday recently and my mum bought me a suit. Before we get into this suit story, I should probably point out that I tend to go off at tangents. If youre not a tangent person, then put this down. This is not a book for you. If youve already bought the book, then I guess youll have to bear with me. But if its not your thing and you dont read to the end, I wont judge you and your questionable taste. Ive started and abandoned so many books that I actually wondered if I might get away with writing half a book, then repeating it for the second half. I guess youll just have to read on to see how that went.

My mum chose the suit and said she bought me what she thought Id like. Its unusual to get a present that confirms your mother thinks youre a prick. The suit is rank. I havent told her any of this, so it will be a good test of whether she actually reads this book. MUM, THE SUIT IS AWFUL. She gave it to me, then asked me to let her know if I get any compliments when I wear it out. Obviously Im never going to wear it. So Ive had to spend time thinking of the sort of things that someone might say to someone wearing a nice suit. Plus I had to make sure that none of those comments could be open to interpretation. I dont want Mum to hear the comment and then go, Hmm, do you think he liked the suit, or was he being sarcastic? My mum is super-defensive, so if I gave her a comment she didnt like, shed ask me whod made it. Id panic and give the name of a mate, and then shed add that mate to her shit list like an angry brown santa.

If my mum thinks that my brother and I have been slighted in any way, she has been known to try to hunt down the perpetrators. When I was about fourteen, I was being chased out of school by a couple of lads; my mum got out of the car and started battering them with her handbag. Theres no comeback from that. At least from then on, if someone took the piss by saying, Oh, youre going to get your mum on me, are you? I could actually say yes. And I know I could still call upon her and her handbag karate if I ever need to. When Mum first got herself an Instagram account, she started asking me how she could find the details of where people lived because she saw some negative comments directed at me and wanted to unleash the fury. I imagine she was worried that, if all those trolls kept having a dig at me, I wouldnt have any self-esteem left for her to tear to pieces.

I say that about my mum, but shes incredibly supportive. She just phoned me to tell me shed seen a poster for my show Judge Romesh on a bus stop and it had made her emotional. Not only was this very sweet, it also made me feel pretty guilty about what Ive just written about that suit. So Im now wearing it as I write the rest of this chapter. Ive had to draw the curtains.

One other thing about my mum: she is totally honest, often to a fault, which I believe is a Tamil Sri Lankan trait. She will often phone me after Ive been on a TV show and say, What made you wear that shirt? One of the people at work said you look fat. To my mum, that is her making sure I learn from the mistake and either take up a crash diet or throw out the offending item or preferably both. To me, that is a cue to finish the call, defiantly put the shirt back on and try to forget that my mum and her colleagues are talking to each other about my weight. But, in search of some more impartial and hopefully more sympathetic advice, Ive started seeing a counsellor. I dont know if Im finding it useful or not yet, because obviously Im not doing any of the things Im supposed to do outside the sessions. Ive always done this. When I was at school, my parents got me piano lessons, but I never practised. Each lesson was me seeing a piece of music for the first time and trying to play it as if Id been practising it all week. In my defence, I didnt have a piano, but my parents told me other kids would have practised with an orange or something. Im also seeing a physio because I injured my shoulder recently. I dont do any of the exercises she gives me either and then I have to lie when I go to the next session.