2015 by Jenny Simmons
Published by Baker Books
a division of Baker Publishing Group
P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287
www.bakerbooks.com
Ebook edition created 2015
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meansfor example, electronic, photocopy, recordingwithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.
ISBN 978-1-4934-0059-1
Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are from the Holy Bible, New International Version. NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com
Scripture quotations marked NASB are from the New American Standard Bible, copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.
Scripture quotations marked NLT are from the Holy Bible , New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004, 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations marked NRSV are from the New Revised Standard Version of the Bible, copyright 1989, by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations marked VOICE are from The Voice Bible Copyright 2012 Thomas Nelson, Inc. The Voice translation 2012 Ecclesia Bible Society. All rights reserved.
Jenny is a brave, deep, soulful friend, and her voice comes across these pages with clarity and urgency. You will love this beautiful book.
Shauna Niequist , author of Bread & Wine and Savor
Jenny Simmons gives us a rich, vulnerable glimpse inside her life and soul. The writing is beautiful, the story compelling, and her desire for God contagious. This is a must-read book.
Margaret Feinberg , author of Fight Back with Joy
I can so relate to seasons of change, unmet expectations, feelings of lostness, and those in-between moments when I didnt know which road to take. So many will immediately identify with this book, as Jenny speaks from her heart and from Gods Word to anyone who finds themselves asking, Whats next? and How do I get there? This vulnerable, laugh-out-loud book will help you rediscover the life you desire in Godand what it means to live each day with grace, humor, and courage.
Natalie Grant , Grammy-nominated vocalist, songwriter, and founder of Hope for Justice International
Jenny possesses wisdom far beyond her years, but she has walked through deserts you wouldnt believe in order to obtain it. She knows firsthand that God can take you high as well as take you low, using both to teach and grow you. May her story encourage you in yours.
Francesca Battistelli , performing artist
In an always-online world of Pinterest and Instagram-fueled comparison and disappointment, Jenny Simmons writes with a voice that rings true for many. With The Road to Becoming , she invites her readers to discover their own journey waiting in the journey she has written about; to find the hand of love that reaches down, tears up a life of man-made plans, and replaces them with a life centered on the wild-eyed, boundary-shattering Nazarene who revealed Himself to be the glorious, life-changing Son of God.
Matt Maher , performing artist
To my sweet Annie: If only I could keep you from lifes dead ends and detours; but then you would miss the beauty of being lost and being found. So I will walk every road, detour, and dead end with you for as long as we both shall live.
To my mom, dad, sisters, in-laws, and the many dear friends who have walked these long roads with us: Thank you will never suffice. You were the streams in our desert.
To Ryan: God only knows how many dead ends our marriage has seen, how many detours. But we are still here, still being lost and found together, and I am forever grateful.
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright Page
Endorsements
Dedication
Prelude: Mangledy-Bangledy
The Dreaming and Destruction
1. Magnolia Trees
2. A Beginners Dream
3. Big Joe the Pimp
4. Epiphanies
5. Unravelings
6. A Bad Year
7. Cornbread Crumbs
8. The End of the Road
9. Ants and Other Holy Thoughts
10. The End
The Burying
11. Aisle 7 and the Evil Spaghetti
12. Dead Goldfish and a Holy Summons
13. Poor Rich Man
14. Aliens and Familiar Roads
15. The Guide
16. Lost Girl
17. The Art of Listening
18. Joshua Tree
19. Beauty in the Desert
The Waiting
20. Losing My Humanity
21. The River
22. Not Real Babies
23. The Spiritual Director Doctor
24. Fat Feet and Waiting Games
25. Growing Something New
The Becoming
26. Overrated
27. Bright, Shiny New Things
28. The Chorus of You-Can-Do-Its
29. Shovels, Prison, and Other Heavenly Things
30. Saying Yes
Notes
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Back Ads
Back Cover
Prelude
Mangledy-Bangledy
Early one morning in the spring of 2011, I woke up in my own bed sweating, afraid, and completely lost. I felt like a piece of driftwood. The mangledy-bangledy kind that gets ripped off a tree during a storm and thrown into a river three counties over, bewildered and broken. I was in a current I could not control. In a river I had never known. Nothing was familiar and nothing was going the way I had planned.
I had made good plans for my life.
Dreamed up when I was nine years old and the universe was compliant with my every whim. Revised when I was nineteen years old and way smarter than my parents. When I had my existenceand everyone elsesall figured out. Revisited after college when all I wanted was a safe road without surprises or detours, a well-laid plan that would tell me my place in the world. But that morning in 2011as a thirty-one-year-old wife, mom, and successful recording artistI realized the plans I dreamed up were long gone and I was completely lost.
The worst twelve months of my life were barely behind me. But in that moment, trembling in my own bed and wracked with fear, I would have gone back to that hellish year because at least back then I knew who I was and where I was going. Even if getting there meant enduring a fire, thefts, bankruptcy, and complete physical exhaustion.
But the mornings spent lying in my own bed afraid of the future, unsure of my own name, living in complete lostness? They were breaking me.
With no tears left to cry that particular morning in 2011, I stared the terrifying unknown in the face and knew I was at a crossroads. As I lay there in a daze, dreading the day at hand, it occurred to me that I had spent years encouraging other people to live by faith but I had no idea how to live by it myself. I was the kind of girl who wanted faith for other people. Me? I wanted answers, happily-ever-afters, and enough control over my life that I did not have to cling to Jesus for my very breath, my very bread. I only wanted religion.
Security has become the drug of choice for religious people who dont really want to live by faith. We naively (arrogantly?) assume there are monuments that we can erect in honor of the steadfast certainties our lives are centered around. Mother! Artist! A 401(k) plan! Philanthropist! Gainfully employed! A path, a plan, a purpose! All monuments. All man-made.
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