Hankinson Andrew - You Could Do Something Amazing with Your Life [You Are Raoul Moat]

You Could Do Something Amazing With Your Life
[You are Raoul Moat]

Andrew Hankinson is a journalist who was born, raised, and lives in Newcastle upon Tyne. He started his career as a staff writer at Arena magazine and is now a freelance feature writer who has contributed to the Observer Magazine , The Guardian , Wired , GQ , Esquire , FHM , Huffington Post , Loaded , Cosmopolitan , Grazia , The Independent , Mens Health , FT Weekend Magazine , New Statesman , and The Spectator . Andrew has appeared on Newsnight , Daily Politics , BBC Radio 3 , Radio 4 , and Radio 5 Live .

Scribe Publications
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First published by Scribe 2016

Copyright Andrew Hankinson 2016

All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the publishers of this book.

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9781925106558 (Australian paperback)
9781922247919 (UK paperback)
9781925113754 (e-book)

CIP records for this title are available from the British Library and the National Library of Australia

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To my wife and children

A questionnaire arrives from the Regional Department of Psychotherapy. There are seventeen pages of questions. They want you to complete your answers and send it back before your first appointment with a psychologist.

Its 2008. You sit in the house and write your surname, first name, date of birth, address, age and telephone number. On the next page you describe your symptoms,

I FEEL TIRED, ANXIOUS, ISOLATED, HELPLESS, ANGRY. I FIND IT DIFFICULT TO SLEEP OR RELAX

It asks how these symptoms affect your life. You write,

THEY STOP MY LIFE FROM PROGRESSING CONSTRUCTIVELY. I AM AGGRESSIVE AND VIOLENT OUTSIDE THE HOME IF PROVOKED

It asks why you think this happens. You write about the bad parts of your childhood, police harassment, having no family support, worrying about your childrens future, and feeling alone.

It asks what you enjoy and what your achievements have been.

I ENJOY BEING A DAD. MY CHILDREN ARE MY GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT. HAVING THE MORALS I HAVE. NOT LOSING THE PLOT AND BEING IN JAIL. I ENJOY MY RELATIONSHIP

It asks what youve found most difficult in life and what has brought the least satisfaction.

KEEPING MY COOL HAS BEEN MOST DIFFICULT. NOT GIVING MY KIDS AND GIRLFRIEND A BETTER LIFE WITH ME

It asks about your family history. You write that your father is UNKNOWN . You write your mums name and age. In the siblings box you write ANGUS. For his occupation and marital status you put UNKNOWN . It asks about your relationship with your dad. You write STEPFATHER and underline it. You write five lines about him. It asks about your relationship with your mum. You write nine lines.

On the next page it says,

It would help us to know something of your background. Could you tell us something about your childhood and family including any changes or separations that you experienced? Were any relationships especially important to you, for example with brothers, sisters, grandparents, aunts or uncles?

You write,

LOOK, IM NOW REALLY PISSED OFF BECAUSE THESE QUESTIONS SHOULD BE DISCUSSED IN PERSON, AWAY FROM MY MRS AND KIDS, SO THEY DONT HAVE TO SEE ME WOUND UP ABOUT THINGS I CHOOSE TO NOT THINK ABOUT. I CAN EXPRESS MYSELF BETTER IN PERSON AND SEE THIS AS TOTALLY DISMISSIVE AND UNCARING, AND WAS ABOUT TO CHUCK THESE FORMS IN THE BIN, BUT WROTE THIS COS I NEED THE HELP. IT IS GOING TO TAKE AN EFFORT FOR ME TO DO ALL THIS, SO CONTACT ME AND ILL DISCUSS WHATEVER YOU WANT. I DO NOT WISH TO DISCUSS MY LIFE WITH PAPER

You turn the page.

It asks about your schools. You list them.

It asks about previous employment.

ENGINEERING (MECHANICAL). DOOR SUPERVISOR. MECHANIC

It asks about current employment.

UNEMPLOYED AT PRESENT. COULD DO EXTREMELY WELL IF THE POLICE DID NOT PUT THE MIX IN SO MUCH, DESPITE NOT EVEN HAVING A CAUTION TO MY NAME. STRONG EVIDENCE TO BACK THIS UP

It asks about difficulties at work. You leave it blank.

The next page is domestic life. You write that youve been living with Sam for three years. Shes nineteen years old. It asks about your previous significant relationships. You put that you were seeing Marissa from 1998 until 2004. Shes the mother of your two eldest children. You write that you have three children and Sam is the mother of the youngest. You describe your relationship as extremely loving and rewarding.

The next page asks about your relationship with Sam. You write that its strong and there are no worrying problems. Shes honest, faithful and decent. You write that there isnt much space to put all the good stuff in here. For the bad stuff you put,

CAN RELY ON ME TOO MUCH, AND BELIEVES I CAN TAKE ON THE WORLD AND FIX EVERYTHING

The next section is health. You write that you have asthma and need more help with it. You write that there was a recent accident where your hand got crushed, shattering the bones. It has not healed properly and doesnt work properly. It looks terrible.

You dont drink or take non-prescribed drugs.

It asks,

Have you ever tried to harm yourself in any way?

YES

You underline it twice.

2 OVERDOSES

It asks if youve had psychiatric treatment or care in the past.

NO

It asks if youve had counselling or psychotherapy.

YES. COLLINGWOOD COURT FOR 12 MONTHS AS REFERRED BY DOCTOR

Can you say what it is about yourself that you want to change?

I DONT WISH TO CHANGE ANYTHING. HAVE A CALMER FRAME OF MIND AND EMOTIONAL STATE MAYBE

It asks how you expect the treatment to help and what form you imagine it taking.

I HAVE NO IDEA. KNOWING MY LUCK IT WILL BE ALL STRAIGHT JACKETS, ELECTRICITY TO THE HEAD AND A CAGE

The final page asks for any other information. You leave it blank.

You send the questionnaire back to them.

A few days later a letter arrives. Youve got an appointment with a trainee clinical psychologist on April 29, 2008.

You dont attend.

Another letter arrives. It says they dont normally reschedule appointments, but they know this is hard for you, so theyre offering you another appointment. Its on May 13, 2008.

You dont attend.

You are discharged from the waiting list.

Two years later you shoot three people and shoot yourself. You will be called a monster. You will be called evil. The prime minister, David Cameron, will stand up in Parliament and say you were a callous murderer, end of story. You have nine days and your whole life to prove you are more than a callous murderer.

Go.

[THURSDAY JULY 1, 2010]

YOU WILL DIE IN EIGHT DAYS

They release you from prison at 10.55am. The North East is bright and sunny [as it often isnt]. Your mission [as you explained it to another prisoner] is to get the gun, shoot Sam, shoot her new boyfriend, shoot Sams mum for trying to split you up, shoot the social worker who pissed you off, shoot the psychiatrist for giving you a negative report [though you cant remember their name] and point the gun at the police until they shoot you.