Nicola Chase - Tea and Transition

Special Smashwords Edition

A story of love, the human spirit,

and how one man became one woman

This is a work of creativenon-fiction . While the people, places andevents are real; some of the names and descriptions have beenchanged to protect individual privacy.

TEA AND TRANSITION

Copyright 2015 NicolaJane Chase and Paradox Productions (HK) Ltd . Allrights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book, orportions thereof, in any form. No part of this text may bereproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverseengineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storageand retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whetherelectronic or mechanical without the express written permission ofthe author. The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this bookvia the Internet or via any other means without the permission ofthe author or publisher is illegal and punishable by law. Pleasepurchase only authorized electronic editions and do not participatein or encourage electronic piracy of copyrightedmaterials.

The author and publisher do not have anycontrol over and do not assume any responsibility for third-partywebsites or their content.

Cover designed by Nicola Jane Chase andTelemachus Press, LLC

Front cover photo by Carolyn O'Neill

Interior author photo by Jeffrey Goritz

www.JeffreyGoritzPhotography.com

Fashion in author photo by Express, stylingby the author

Cover and interior art:

Copyright iStock/4591781/elly99

Copyright iStock/ 31301518/HiRes/Nataleana

Copyright iStock/ 33696738/FrankRamspott

Copyright iStock/29722028/Giraphics

Copyright iStock/8232434/Johnnylemonseed

Copyright iStock/30865402/SCHUBphoto

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Published by Telemachus Press, LLC atSmashwords

www.telemachuspress.com

Visit the author website:

www.nicolajanechase.com

Follow the author on Facebook:

www.facebook.com/TeaAndTransition

ISBN: 9 78-1-941536-99-5 (eBook)

ISBN: 978-1-942899-00-6(paperback)

ISBN: 978-1-942899-01-3(hardback)

Version 2015.07.31

To anyone who is questioning their gender:you are not alone. Although this fact may not affect you as youfollow your path, its reassurance can still be a comfort.

To friends, extended family and all thehealth professionals who have been there for me on my journey:thank you. It would have been so much harder without yoursupport.

Your names have been changed in this bookbut you know who you are.

To Lori, my editor and cheerleader: yourbelief in my story was the inspiration I needed.

Finally, to my mother, Ann Chase, I love youmore than I have ever said.

This book is dedicated to you.

Nicola Jane Chase

Spring 2015

All true tales should probably start at thebeginning. However in my case, I cant be sure when that beginningwas. For the first 40 years of my existence I was a heterosexualman. Now I am a heterosexual woman. This change didnt occurovernight, nor did I flip a switch to make it happen. In fact, Ididnt see it coming it at all.

Over the course of several years, Irecognized feelings that I couldnt ignore. I started to embracethem. I began a journal. Changes happened and my evolution became arevelationnot least to myself. Sometimes I felt my life wasfollowing its own direction and I was just tagging along. But noteveryone accepted the new me; some friendships strengthened, andothers broke. There was pain. The slings and arrows I suffered wererejection and stigmaevery transgender person has experiencedthose.

The outlinesof yin and yang were shifting, with gender and with my sexualitytoo. What did I expect from intimacy? Would the symmetryremain?

Equipped with my British heritage, Asianconnections, and a New York state of mind, I traversed threecontinents to confront my past life as a DJ and broadcaster andaddress my future onewith a new voice.

I wanted to better align my inner and outerselves, but to what extent? Would there ever be an end to myjourney? It became a unique arc of discovery. There were difficultchoices and unexpected rewards. And surprises. So many surprises.Whenever they happened I wrote in my journal. That journal evolvedinto this book.

Usually, when I wrote, I had a cup of tea bymy sideas I do now. Tea was also there at many key moments in mytransition, its solace much deeper than coffee could ever havebeen. In fact the happenstance of tea is referenced far morefrequently than I initially appreciated: Darjeeling poured in timesof awkward disclosure, a strong brew when support was needed, ortea leaves left behind after inspiration had seeped. Tea has beenmy muse and my comfort.

Now, as I look over the pages ahead (Englishbreakfast tea steeping) and I recall instances of my male past, itseems I am looking back over someone elses shoulder, not mine. Yetall those memories have contributed to me becoming the woman I am,along with new experiences only a woman can feel.

This is the story that I have to tell.

Cause and Effect

SOMETHING RATTLES ME out of my restlesssleep. Heart thumping, mind racing, thoughts everywhere.Rasping choking drowning death? Trapped insidea plastic bag. No, clammy sheets are twisted around me. Sit boltupright. Eyes wide open. Pitch black. Gasp of breath. Awake.

Fireflies rage in my head.

Think straight; cant.

Try to focus; cant.

Helpless, vulnerable, 3am.

I am afraid. I feel very, very afraid.

Dark shades of alarm rise up, suicidalthoughts.

No, I just need daybreak. Time, give metime.

Uneasy rest; afraid of sleeps darkspecter.

I was upset before I went to bed, yes.

I watched Pretty Woman lastnight.

Her fault. Bloody Julia Roberts.

Sunrise eventually came that Septembermorning. With the light, Nosferatu was no longer perched on mywindow ledge and I was breathing easier. My pulse was stillpounding but now I favored lifes light to its darker alternative.So why the fear? Didnt I want to go to Thailand?

Practicalities of the day ahead allowed meto briefly focus elsewhere; I had to be at work in the office in acouple of hours and needed to get ready. But I was exhausted, anutter mental wreck.