Monica M. Medina - The Third Return

To those who have lost their voice and fallen to senseless evil;

my hope is that you will find the beauty, happiness and freedom again

which life has been trying to offer you.

T A K E I T B A C K

for the next flourishing steps of your life and for the

little eyes around the corner.

To my brothers; Im lucky to have you then, to have you now and

to have you always.

Our bond is relentless.

To Mom, for your never-failing protection and lasting love.

I will never be able to repay you.

This is for you.

Love,

Your daughter.

Introduction

It always seems impossible until its done.

Nelson Mandela

Soph omore year of high school, a dormant part of me was awakened after reading the novel The Breakable Vow by Kathryn Ann Clark in my literature class. I remember how concerned I felt being able to relate to a book like that. The fear shouting from those pages felt all too similar to the last 10 years of my life. During class, I sat at my desk, listening to students read aloud what I had read the night before and wondered if others were thinking what I was: Is this happening to anyone else? If you havent read it, its a great first eye opener to the subject of domestic violence. Why does she stay? Why doesnt she just leave? So many questions raced through my mind as I read through the book. At the time, I would never have guessed that my own experiences would eventually answer all those questions.

I felt as if a part of my mind was unlocked. How relieved I felt to have found answers that finally gave the chaos in my day-to-day life a startling clarity. It was as if someone was removing cobwebs from a corner of my brain that had long been dark and dormant.

In short, this novel displays domestic violence and the many ways a woman may try to leave, along with the murky bucket of emotional pain, struggle, uncertainty, self-doubt and relapse that often closely accompanies these relationships.

These romances arent wearing flashing warning signs nor do they have bright orange Caution Ahead posts mounted miles before the rough patch. No. They start like most intriguing, romantic, love-struck stories. Yet, somewhere along the butterfly trail with yellow sunshine faces singing and trees blossoming it turns into a fast, downward spiral on a dangerous path where the emotional exchange quickly and sadly becomes toxic and futile. Like many provocative and attention-grabbing topics, domestic violence is very easy to judge from the outside looking in, so I urge you to read just a little further before casting judgment.

Perhaps youve come to this book and its the first time youre opening your heart and mind to this world. Or maybe, youve devoted twenty to thirty years of your life to a man or woman who has stripped you of all your self-worth, respect and motivation for lifeor so you have come to believe. Regardless of the path that has led you here, my heart is happy to know this book has found its way to your hands.

For those of you coming from violence, how did you make it here? Not here as in to this page or to this bookstore, library or wherever you stand or sit, but here to this point in your life? Does it look anything remotely close to this:

Youve tried leaving. It didnt work. Maybe it even became worse when you returned. At all hours, your mind races with fear and it seems like relief cant be found in anything or any place. Youve given up the games and accepted this must be your fate. This is your punishment, you believe, for some inexplicable reason you deserve to be hurt and screamed at. Sleep has stopped bringing peace. Your friends and family helped you in the beginning, but even they have accepted this is how it is now. This is how you are. This how he is. This is how you are together . Theyve stopped trying; stopped coming around; stopped attempting to convince you that you deserve better because you just wont do better for yourself. They turn a blind eye. Keep their distance. Its too much on them to be involved. Maybe they call at late hours when hes not around, visit you at work because thats the only time they can see you and the only time youve allowed them to. Any gift or money youre expecting is sent to your PO Box instead of to your door. Maybe you dont work and thats not by choice, but by force. No access to money because hes convinced you, that youre incapable of working. Yet somehow, he still shames you for stressing him out with all the bills. He hurts you. Bad. Your children pretend to sleep but talk to you about the nights in the morning. As they speak, you cling to your sunglasses just trying to hide what you sense they already know.

Does this sound familiar? Had you always wanted your life this way? As a child, is this how you dreamt it to be? Of course not. Ask yourself what brought you to this life and how have you been living it for so long? If youre not happy with your answers, dont worry. Were about to change them.

The first question many people have when probing into the issues of domestic violence is Why doesnt she just leave? Well guess what? Almost always, the victim and children involved are thinking the same thing. So, whats the problem? I was asking the same confusing question most people do when they discuss abusive relationships

Why did she stay? Why did she return?

This question seems to boggle the minds of psychologists, therapists and mental health professionals everywhere as well as the family, the children and every relative involved. From my experience, this is what I have concluded.

Women stay in abusive relationships for the following reasons:

• Fear & Control : maintaining the abuser is often times the only sense of control the victim believes they have. The abuser provides this illusion of control. You are never really in control of what happens next, but the illusion works to his advantage and will keep you in the relationship longer. This is often why women hope the abuser is able to change. Because he has allowed you to believe that you somehow have control of his emotions and possess the power to change him. You dont.
• Habit & Pattern : Both individuals have developed a strong habit, a pattern neither one knows how to break. Since neither one is able to change it, the pattern continues to cycle and strengthen until change is introduced. Whatever change is introduced needs to be done carefully and handled by a professional. This can be the most dangerous part but is a vital step towards breaking the cycle.
• Love & Self: The most important, I believe, is that women have somehow misconstrued the definition of Love. They have associated Love with Pain, Love with Forgiveness, Love with Fear, Love with something other than authentic Love. Reevaluating your definition of Love in every aspect of your life (with your partner, with your parents, with your children) is certain to bring some new insight.

Women return to abusive relationships for the following reasons:

• Comfort in the Familiar : The abuse is hard, but the unfamiliar can appear harder. Leaving the abuser seemed to be the right choice, but because he has stripped you of your confidence, independence and ability to love yourself, you automatically question if youre capable of living without him. This is planned and plays to what the abuser intended. Seek therapy to reestablish self-love, independence and confidence to embark on the unfamiliar.
• Withdrawal: After leaving, many women have said they miss their abuser. Or stranger, they miss the abuse itself. They dont know why. They dont understand it, but youre not crazy if you have, promise. Find strong support to keep you from relapsing. Change takes time to settle and often times women return too quickly, not allowing the full process of change to take place. Dont get in your own way. Be patient.