Heartfelt and at times heart-rending, Seaweed and Shamans details Brenda Paik Sunoos journey through grief into solace. Written with courage and generosity, her collection of essays traverses personal memory and Korean-American history, as well as the thoughts and drawings garnered from diary entries of the child she lost. A testimony to the endurance of faith and art, life and love, Seaweed and Shamans is a gift of healing.
Nora Okja Keller, author of Comfort Woman and Fox Girl
This is a wonderful book: warm, honest, intelligent, funny, unsentimental, and heartbreaking, too. Brenda Sunoo weaves the experience of her grief over the death of her son with the story of her life and family, and it works beautifully. Is it possible to heal from the loss of a child? This book says yes: to heal and to transcend, but never to forget, never to lose that child living now in your heart. This is a story that will stay with you for a long time.
Sharman Apt Russell, author of Songs of the Fluteplayer: Seasons of Life in the Southwest
Brenda Sunoo has learned from her personal experience that the death of a child is one of the most painful experiences you can have. She has also learned that there are gifts in grief and shares them with the reader. But the greatest gift, perhaps, is that the bereaved can now receive comfort from such a wonderful book.
Allen Klein, author of The Courage to Laugh: Humor, Hope and Healing in the Face of Death and Dying
Seaweed and Shamans: Inheriting the Gifts of Grief gives us a most precious gift: the powerful emotional insights from a parents worst nightmare, the death of a child. By sharing her teenaged sons life, a mothers deep love, and a four-generation Korean familys journey, Brenda Sunoo allows us to witnessand to feelthe intense heart and soul of her emotional and cultural truths. This book will sweep you away.
Helen Zia, author of Asian-American Dreams: The Emergence of an American People
Brenda Sunoo writes eloquently about keeping family rituals yet at the same time, making changes after the untimely death of Tommyson, brother and friend extraordinaire. The reader is privileged to get a glimpse into the world of an insightful young artist and writer with a vivid imagination, who was wise beyond his years. Brenda writes with love, humor, sadness, spirituality and compassion about her family. This book is a must-read for anyone who has experienced a loss.
Sandy Lipkus, B.Ed, B.S.W., M.S.W. and founder of ShareGrief.com
Many bereaved individuals try so desperately to hang on to the moment before their loved one has died. Brenda Sunoos search for peace after her sons death has redefined her. She not only let that process unfold, but embraced it. While keeping her sons spirit alive, the author has also discovered deeper meaning in her life.
Joel Hetler, Ph.D., Child Psychologist and Manager of Childrens Mental Health Services in Ramsey County, Minneapolis, Minnesota.
Seaweed and Shamans
Inheriting the Gifts of Grief
2006 by Brenda Paik Sunoo
Originally designed by C. David Thomas, Director, Indochina Arts Partnership
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without permission.
Published by Seoul Selection
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I will turn their mourning into joy. I will comfort them and give them gladness for sorrow.
Jeremiah
In memory of Tommy
acknowledgements
This book would not have been completed without the encouragement of so many gift bearers. I wish to acknowledge the generous assistance of my Antioch University mentors during the MFA in Creative Writing Program: Bernard Cooper, Sharman Apt Russell, Louise Rafkin and Lisa Michaels. They have all helped me learn to write with more simplicity, honesty and with a wordsmiths eye for detail. I also wish to thank Eloise Klein Healy and Keith Rand, for being our lighthouse and compass; Club Kay (Teri Pastore, DArcy Fallon and Sara Kirschenbaum) for being my invaluable writers communityonline and off.
Also, Steve Bagatourian, Abe and Andrew Lin, Anthony Wong for their youthful compassion and remembrances; Hind Baki, for helping me understand the loss of a sibling; Mark Doty, for writing Heavens Coast and for encouraging me to own my story; Allen Fergurson, for sharing the lighter sides of grief; Allan Halcrow, for his editorial wisdom and respect for writers; Carol Janes, for rekindling a friendship never lost; Marian Kwon, for laughter and her 24-hour hotline; Chiyo Maniwa, for lightening my vulnerable moments; Julia Randall and Tamara Thompson, for their affirmations; Sakada, for generating Reiki light; Elizabeth Siemens, for heartfelt letters and our extended Siemens family; Charlene Solomon, for previous collaborations and enhancing my work life; Steve Stewart, for challenging me to return to grad school; Harold and Sonia Sunoo for decades of faith and encouragement; Cooke and Elaine Sunoo, for their patience and devotion; The Compassionate Friends, especially Bruce Giuliano and Judy Zuckerman for taking me under their protective wings; Gail Whang, for being Tommys Godmother in his physical and spiritual life; Jai Lee Wong for staying close at all the right times; Linda Yim, for her ongoing generosity; Trina Nahm-Mijo for her pivotal suggestions; Rose Moxham for her impeccable eye; Steve Yum, Edward Hwang and Peter Park for their technical wizardry and levity; Jan and David, for being my two best reasons for living. If I havent mentioned you here, trust that you are remembered. And lastly, I want to thank my mother, Katherine Yim Paik, who taught me what it means to live with courage and grace.
introduction
Nothing in life prepares you for the death of your own child. When my 16-year-old son Tommy died suddenly on February 16, 1994, I prayed that God would take me in my sleep. It hasnt happened.
Whereas once we were a family of four, we now were a family of three: my husband Jan, our first son, David, and me. It took several years before we could feel the stability of our new triangle. Most of those times, we appeared flat-lined.
Ask anyone whos suffered from grief. Getting out of bed is like trying to lift a giant redwood off your chest. Even though I had a fulltime job as a magazine editor, I felt I deserved to be called Mother Failure. Regardless of the circumstances of a childs death, parents inevitably feel guilty for not protecting them from harm.
For the first two years, I chronicled my emotional chaos in private journals. None of that, in my opinion, merited public consumption. But after attending several meetings of The Compassionate Friendsa national support group for bereaved parentsI began as a journalist to listen to other parents stories. Many of them complained that, as grief-stricken employees, they had been isolated, ignored, demoted, laid off or fired: My boss is worried that Im affecting company morale, or My supervisor wants to know when Im going to get over my loss.
A fellow writer, Charlene Marmer Solomon, and I, pitched a story idea to our then-editor, Allan Halcrow. He encouraged us to co-write an article for Workforce magazine entitled Facing Grief at the Workplace. We wanted to write an article that would help employers and human resources managers create a culture of compassion. Interestingly, our article became a magazine finalist for a Maggie Award in the Service category.
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