Martin Grams Jr. - Duffys Tavern: A History of Ed Gardners Radio Program

Duffys Tavern

A History
of
Ed Gardners
Radio Program

Martin Grams, Jr.

BearManor
Media

Albany, Georgia

Duffys Tavern: A History of Ed Gardners Radio Program

2014 Martin Grams, Jr. All Rights Reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means,
electronic, mechanical, digital, photocopying or recording, except for the
inclusion in a review, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Published in the USA by:
BearManor Media
P.O. Box 1129
Duncan, OK 73534-1129
www.BearManorMedia.com

Layout and design by Allan Duffin, duffincreative.com

ISBN 1-59393-557-9

Printed in the United States of America

Dedicated to

Ed Gardner, Jr.

I hope I did justice by immortalizing your father, one of the funniest comedians of the 20th Century.

Table of Contents

Introduction

THE BUSINESS OF BRISTOL MYERS,
THE NBC YEARS (1945-1946)

THE VICE-PRESIDENT OF NBC vs. RADIO
COMEDIANS (1947-1948)

RHYME INSPIRED BY THE OPENING
OF A PLACE OF REFINEMENT

THE TYPEWRITER IN THE BACK ROOM
AT DUFFYS TAVERN

Introduction

EARLY RADIO BROADCASTING REQUIRED FINE-TUNING and not the kind that came from twiddling the dials. Case in point: June 26, 1931. NBC presented The Fearful Seven, the tale of Merton Moth and his noiseless glider, Michael Mosquito brief glimpses into the home lives of Fanny Fly, Frankie Flea, Grand Roach and their friends. The NBC offering was promised to be a comedy and newspaper columnists were assured that the comedy element would predominate the production. There was nothing funny with the story and radio, had it not already established itself as a medium of music, news, prayer and commentary, might have been doomed as a result of this disastrous broadcast. If radio audiences wanted authentic laughter from a weekly half-hour program, what they needed was Ed Gardner. Ten years after Merton Moth had flown away into the ether, Duffys Tavern would usher in a new form of comedy entertainment.

Like the genially sarcastic, ever-hopeful Archie, Ed Gardner was a product of New Yorks lower East Side along Third Avenue and was noted for his stupendous misuse of the English language. He would sling words and phrases around with blissful disregard for grammar and he showed a definite knack for handling malapropisms. His weakness tended towards gullibility in succumbing to any money making schemes and beautiful women especially rich ones. In real life, Ed Gardner was a brilliant and shrewd businessman. His insistence on adding comedy to an hour-long infomercial helped save M-G-M studios from a financial disaster. Gardner quickly established himself as a successful producer for a variety of radio programs spotlighting Rudy Vallee and Robert L. Ripley. He often trusted his instincts and learned all about radio programming from experience, working his way up the ladder of success. What little he didnt know about the craft he made up for in shrewd business deals. Towards the end of eleven successful years of Duffys Tavern, Ed Gardner proved himself so valuable that NBC signed a contract to retain his services knowing well enough in advance that they would take a loss of more than $100,000.

On Duffys Tavern, Archie defined the cynical second-generation Irishman at the outer fringe of New Yorks social order. The program quickly developed a following that crossed social, economic and geographical boundaries. According to popularity polls, Duffys Tavern ranked with Fred Allens program as the goofiest slapstick comedies on the air. Archie was the pivot of the establishment but he was not alone. Always on hand were the absent proprietors gabby, man-hungry daughter, known simply as Miss Duffy, who spoke in pure Brooklynese, and the waiter, Eddie, a shrewd black menial who obeyed with Yazzuh but always got the better of his boss in their verbal exchanges. Habitus included Clifton Finnegan, a moron with occasional flashes of brilliance whose every line began with Duhhh, and radio veteran Colonel Stoopnagle, the rotund inventor of such useful devices as the 10-foot pole, for guys who wouldnt touch with one, and the gun with two barrels, one to shoot ducks with and the other, which didnt work, to not shoot other hunters.

Crackpot OToole, forger and poet who wrote mostly bum checks and sonnets in pure cubic centimeter, was another Duffys regular. Not heard but often discussed in the early years was Two-Top Gruskin, a two-headed baseball player whose value to his team was that he could watch first and third at the same time. Two-Top (whose real name was Athos and Porthos Gruskin) once went to a masquerade ball as a pair of bookends and won the affections of a pretty girl because he was a tall blond and brunette. There was just something different about him, she explained. Officer Clancy made frequent visits, usually threatening to close the place for some petty violation, ever thwarted by Archies logical argument: You cant close us up. We aint got a license.

Archie wasnt otherwise so successful with his unceasing efforts to con or exploit his guests. When smooth-talking Slippery McGuire, seeking to beat his bar tab, suggested to Archie how he could make a fortune by patenting electricity, Archie paid him $10 to register the patent. After coughing up another $3 to print stock certificates and $5 more to include DC along with AC, he believes himself the King of Kilowatts, even though Eddie is doubtful (I always connected you more with natural gas). The plans fall through when Archie learns that Benjamin Franklin had beaten him to the patent, but Slippery launches him on a new career by informing him that Franklin had carelessly forgotten to take one out on the kite.

Today, anyone looking back on Duffys Tavern realizes that Ed Gardner insulted most of Hollywood through professional ribbing approved in advance and typed into script form. This was perhaps the shows greatest asset and the reason why cinephiles today often seek out episodes. From Oscar winners to the bobbysoxer idols, many celebrities loved accepting and delivering one-liners as a change of pace. Others demanded changes in the script. When Rudy Vallee was introduced as a radio star of the old silent days, Archie told Duffy, he is sort of a prehistory Perry Como. Remember the time you bought a crystal set and thought there was something wrong with it? Well, Vallee was the guy.

When Mickey Rooney made an appearance on the show, Archie described the Hollywood star to Duffy on the phone. Yeah, thats the guy. Short, freckles, blond hair, pug nose sort of a Van Johnson at half mast. Yeah, a little bit of a guy. In fact, they tell me when two grasshoppers meet, one says to the other, I havent seen you since you was knee-high to Mickey Rooney. His size is a bit of a problem, too especially in Hollywood You know, hes too short to be a lover and too tall to be a producer.

Archie defined Lauren Bacall as the dame with a husky, throaty voice, like Tallulah Bankhead on a clear day. She inspired the Lauren in laurengitis. Of Arthur Treacher, Archie remarked: Some guys go around looking as though they smelled something bad but Treacher looks like he found it. Of Frank Sinatra: Theres a thin line between singing and crooning, and that thin line is known as Sinatra. He makes the bobby-soxers swoon because his voice sounds better when the listener is unconscious. How can they dare say every week that this guy is so round, so firm and so fully packed?