Georgina Pazcoguin - Swan Dive: The Making of a Rogue Ballerina

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This book is lovingly dedicated to

artists both distinguished and unrecognized

and to the blessed unrest

Before we embark on this journey together, there are a couple of things you need to know. Ive changed the names of some people (and okay, also some dogs) throughout the book. And while my brain and body have memorized countless ballets, I wouldnt say that I can recall each word of every conversation Ive had or overheard with the same level of precision. Read on knowing Ive recaptured dialogue and scenarios to the extent my memory allows. In the pages that follow, Ill be sharing my experience as a dancer at New York City Ballet with you. While much of it is exciting, moving, hilarious/ridiculousthere is a darkness too. Youll see that Im not going to hold back when it comes to discussing my experiences, notably with several people who have at times been negative forces in my life.

Id like to say that while I share a deep love and passion for ballet with many, weve all been impacted by intense scrutiny and pressure that have been passed down through generations like dysfunction within a family. Weve grown up in a flawed world that celebrates great personal sacrifice, as well as an inherent bias about what a ballerina looks like. But where my commonalities with the cast Ill soon introduce end is that I am a mixed-race woman who has succeeded despite this outdated ideal. How these individuals at NYCB view the ballet world is different from mine, largely for this reason. Their experiences as dancers, and now administrators, do not and cannot match mine.

Based on the life of New York City ballerina Georgina Pazcoguin

Youve never been to City Ballet or any ballet? NO PROBLEM, Ive got you. And even if you do occasionally drop your backside into the plush, red velvet seats at the David H. Koch Theater at Lincoln Center there are a few things you may not know. Brace yourselves.

Once upon a timein 1948, to be precisea former dancer/genius choreographer from Saint Petersburg, Russia, named George Balanchine and his partner, Lincoln Kirstein, founded a ballet company. They called it the New York City Ballet (NYCB). Please dont be confused and think I dance with American Ballet Theatre (ABT).

Another genius choreographer named Jerome Robbins (West Side Story or Fiddler on the Roof, anyone?) was also a founding choreographer of NYCB. Balanchine created his very own training style, which is taught at the ultraprestigious School of American Ballet (SAB), founded with the same cohort in 1934. But first, a school was Balanchines edict. And now we know why: he had BIG, BIG plans for ballet in America. SAB is the first stop on the wild train ride that is becoming a professional dancer with NYCB.

City Ballet has also produced and been home to some of the most iconic American dancers EVER. Maria Tallchief and Tanaquil Le Clercq (both of them were married to Balanchine at one point, by the way), Suzanne Farrell and of course, the one dancer just about everyone has heard of: Mikhail Baryshnikov.

A rogue ballerina is born. Ballet lessons, a typical childhood rite of passage, unexpectedly prove to be an actual career choice. Most people find their purpose after college. I found mine at the age of four.

Behold the unique growing pains of a working child turned young professional turned actual adult turned legal drinker in the city of instant gratification.

If youve ever seen The Nutcracker, whether your six-year-old niece was playing an angel, or you got all Christmassy and posed with your family in front of the iconic fountain before a Lincoln Center performance you have Balanchine to thank for that. The Nutcracker was the first big production Balanchine created spreading ballet-themed Christmas joy all over America. Other favorite Balanchine productions (I mean, if you ask me) include Symphony in Three Movements, Agon, and Serenade. You have my full support to skip The Nutcracker for these glorious works of art.

It has been the greatest honor of my life to be a part of this company, but recently things have been dicey in the house that Balanchine built. The last few years have been marked by drama, scandal, and a whole lot of heartache.

In the following pages, I share my experience as a ballerina onstage and offstage. The good, the bad, and the totally crazy. As you join me on my ballet-fueled journey, youre going to encounter the following characters:

Peter Martins:
former dancer turned artistic director who retired amid an investigation into allegations of sexual harassment and verbal and physical abuse (which he denied).

Rosemary Dunleavy:
senior repertory director, keeper of all things Balanchine (she has all the steps of every production memorized), stern matriarch when youre a dancer in the corps.

Jean-Pierre Frohlich:
repertory director, the Larry David of the ballet.

Thomas A. Lemanski:
director of rehearsal administration, keeper of schedule, giver of insults.

GEORGINA S COMPANY

The brothers Angle, Jared and Tyler:
Jared, young heartthrob, and Tyler, first dancing partner and childhood friend. Both principal dancers at the NYCB.

Savannah Lowery:
former soloist at NYCB, best friend, and if that wasnt enough, now shes becoming a doctor.

Miranda Grove:
best friend since age four, beaches buddy (literally and figuratively, la the movie with Barbara Hershey and Bette Midler). Also a professional ballerina, albeit sadly never in the same company.

Adrenaline is a great fucking drug. It was the perfect top-off to the full range of emotions I had clawed my way through during the past twenty-four hours. I rode the 1 train downtown to the David H. Koch Theater in silence, believing my next performance as a dancer with the New York City Ballet would also be my last.

Two weeks earlier Peter and I had a yelling match of epic proportions. It ended with me screaming as I ran down the hallway, easily within earshot of anyone in the dressing rooms and the administrative offices. One of my stagehand buddies came running to my rescue to see what was up and make sure I was okay. Now Peter had requested to meet with me. I was sure I was getting fired. I was burning inside as I walked into the office, bracing myself for whatever unjustifiable abuse I was sure was going to be thrown my way: Fat shaming? Maybe Id be accused of not being fully committed to the company I had danced with since I was a teenager? I was ready to defend myself this time, and my last words to Peter would be as sharp as daggers. I walked into the office, and Peter gestured toward the couch, where Rosemary, the ballet mistress, was seated. I had really grown to love her over all these years. Her passion and wisdom brought its own form of comfort, strictly unique to Rosemary. She was more stern stepmom than warm nurturer, but my feelings for her were solid despite her devotion to the man who continually caused me pain. I was glad she was in the room for this moment, even if just to witness whatever happened next.