Alexandra Kuykendall - Artists Daughter, The: A Memoir

2013 by Alexandra Kuykendall

Published by Revell

a division of Baker Publishing Group

P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287

www.revellbooks.com

Ebook edition created 2013

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meansfor example, electronic, photocopy, recordingwithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

ISBN 978-1-4412-4271-6

Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are from The Message by Eugene H. Peterson, copyright 1993, 1994, 1995, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations labeled NLT are from the Holy Bible , New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004, 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Published in association with the literary agency of Alive Communications, Inc., 7680 Goddard Street, Suite 200, Colorado Springs, Colorado 80920, www.alivecommunications.com.

To protect the privacy of those who have shared their stories with the author, some details and names have been changed.

The internet addresses, email addresses, and phone numbers in this book are accurate at the time of publication. They are provided as a resource. Baker Publishing Group does not endorse them or vouch for their content or permanence.

The true power of a mom is vast and immeasurable, springing from the story of who she is, past and present. To fully understand this story is a profound discovery and the exact opportunity offered to the reader in The Artists Daughter . Through poignant portrayal of her own life journey, Alexandra Kuykendall inspires reflection and extends an invitation to every woman to join her on an introspective journey into how God has uniquely crafted your story into his world . Why have you experienced the things in life that you have, and how have they shaped you? This is the path of discovery you will travel as you engage in The Artists Daughter . A rare must-read treat!

Sherry Surratt , CEO and president, MOPS International

Alexandra Kuykendall has lived and written a beautiful, heartbreaking, grace-soaked story. This is a book for every person who has wondered what love, family, and grace really mean, and for those of us who have longed to know that no matter our story, grace is the ending. A lovely, honest, important book.

Shauna Niequist , author of Cold Tangerines , Bittersweet , and Bread & Wine

There is such power in a story. And I am convinced there is a story that lies within all of us. The Artists Daughter brings to life the power of a story and at the same time challenges us all to dig in and discover the one we were created to tell.

Matthew West , award-winning musician

As any mother knows, one of the scariest parts of motherhood is figuring out all over again who we are. Where the old me ends and the new-mom me begins. In this book Alex takes us by the hand and gently, artfully walks us through her wrenching transition. A journey made up of her colliding cultures and her absent father as much as of her labors and deliveries. Any mother who has felt lost in her new identity will find a friend in this book. It is the real dealthe hard, beautiful, and holy view of motherhood from one mom to another trying to make sense of the preschool years.

Lisa-Jo Baker , social media manager for DaySpring and blogger

In The Artists Daughter , Alexandra Kuykendall layers the lessons of her childhood with those of her adult life to discover just whatand whohas really formed her identity as a woman, mom, and leader. With colorful and honest brushstrokes, she welcomes us all into the studio of her life, where we gain an understanding of the master artists work in our own identity formation.

Elisa Morgan , author, speaker, publisher, FullFill.org; president emerita, MOPS International

A refreshing perspective on motherhood, forgiveness, faith, and belongingeasy to read and beautifully written. Alexandra Kuykendall is a gentle, trustworthy storyteller. I adore this book.

Emily P. Freeman , author of Grace for the Good Girl

I was moved, truly moved, so powerfully by this book. A raw, powerful, and honest read! Alexandra reaches into the beauty and ache of a daughters soul and takes the reader on the journey toward a deeper, more connected life with God. Her story is a cacophony of vibrant love and loss and all that we experience during the moments in between. A truly relatable story that has changed my heart. I recommend it so very highly!

Tracey Bianchi , pastor for women and author of Mom Connection

Gods love is messy business, and Alexandra shows herself in the midst of the mess. While her story is about as different from my own as one could be, she and I grew up searching for the same things: unconditional love, security, and acceptance. You will be inspired to ask yourself the same messy questions about love, God, and your relationship to him that Alexandra did, and you will be closer to him for the experience.

Kathi Lipp , speaker and author of The Me Project and Praying Gods Word for Your Husband For all of my family circles.
You shape my heart each day.
Especially for my mother.
You showed me the world
and gave me your everything.
I am forever grateful. C ONTENTS Cover Title Page Copyright Page Endorsements Dedication

S ECTION 1 I NSECURITY

i. Barcelona ii. Italy iii. Apartment iv. Zoo

S ECTION 2 L OVE I S A C HOICE

i. Jesus ii. Boys iii. Perfection iv. Choose Me

S ECTION 3 T RUST

i. Trajectory ii. Impressions iii. Secrets iv. Surrender

S ECTION 4 L EGACY

i. Fights ii. Heroes iii. Forgiveness

S ECTION 5 M OTHERHOOD

i. Pregnancy ii. Delivery iii. Hormones iv. Rocking

S ECTION 6 F RIENDSHIP

i. Longing ii. Comparisons iii. Judging

S ECTION 7 C OMING INTO M Y O WN

i. My BabyMyself ii. O Christmas Tree iii. Daddys Girls iv. Retreat

S ECTION 8 T HE M AIN T HING

i. Anger ii. Change iii. The Right Way

S ECTION 9 T HE A CCIDENT

i. Headlines ii. Grief iii. The Wall

S ECTION 10 F EAR

i. Prayer ii. Facing It iii. Plans

S ECTION 11 T EN D AYS

i. Fast and Furious ii. At My End iii. Phone Call iv. Im Okay Epilogue: My Inheritance Questions for Reflection Acknowledgments Notes About the Author Back Ads Back Cover

S ECTION 1
I NSECURITY

i
B ARCELONA

J uly afternoons in Barcelona are hot and still. It was a week before my ninth birthday, and the heat made me, an American girl, want to hide and find relief. To find reprieve from the stifling air, from the questions of who I was and where I came from. There was no escaping any of it as I sat next to my mother in the backseat of the cab while we drove to a designated caf. My legs stuck together from the sweat, and I wanted to scratch and squirm. Despite my age, I was good at holding things in, so I willed myself to sit still and pushed my nerves and excitement down, piling them onto the mountain of questions and unease Id been holding in my entire life. Maybe today would be a new beginning, and the holes from my past would start to fill. I forced my breath out slowly and looked out the window at the tree-lined streets speeding by.

I knew that when we finally arrived and I stepped out of the cab, I needed to present my best self. Id waited years for this moment and I wanted to be ready. Looking down at my stiff, royal blue and white cotton dress, I smoothed out the wrinkles with sticky palms. I decided again the dress was a good choice for the occasion. I wanted to be more than beautiful. I wanted to be captivating to the man I was about to meet for the first time: my father.

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