Bassem Youssef - Revolution for Dummies: Laughing through the Arab Spring

You might expect me to narrate the epic events of the Arab Springto tell you the details of the geopolitical and sociological circumstances (whatever that means) that led to the various Arab revolutions throughout the Middle East, and the great hopes and aspirations that came with them. You might expect me to give you an in-depth analysis of how everything there now seems to be a total desperate mess. But do you really care about that? Be honest, dont you just want to make it seem like you understand the Middle East by dropping knowledge bombs (at least these dont hurt) on your friends, but youd rather hear it from that Egyptian guy you saw a couple of times on The Daily Show? I mean, even people from my country stopped caring a long time ago about why we are a shitshow. For us in the Middle East, injustice, oppression, and the insanity of justifying them are now just an integral part of our government-sponsored daily news; nothing surprises us anymore. We have somehow embraced the failure, disappointment, and futility of what everything has become, the same way you guys embrace PBS: you dont know why its still on the air, but somehow youve all accepted it.

Plus, if you really wanted to get an objective, in-depth study about what the hell is happening in the Middle East, youd go get a book published by some wonky think tank in Washington. There are dozens of these books claiming theyve got the answer for what the hell is happening there... yet the Middle East is still a big mess. So either no one is reading these books or even heavily funded policy institutions dont know jack shit about us. So let me give you some advice. If you think you are ever going to truly understand what is happening in the Middle East... stop!

Instead of giving you some underwhelming history lesson, Im going to tell you my storywhat happened to me while the revolution occurred and my unexpected role within it. Yeah, sure, my story makes me sound important, but really it is just a ploy to keep you interested! Hell, you might think Im an arrogant son of a bitch for thinking that people would buy a book just to hear my story, and you are right; who the fuck do I think I am? But then again, youre the same country that published and bought biographies about Paris Hilton and Heidi Montag. Hell, even Fabio wrote a fucking book. So if youre looking to read about fake boobs, sex tapes, or a man with long blond hair who half-nakedly rides a horsethen youre rightyou wont care about my story.

But the problem is I have already received an advance from the publisher (which Ive already spent), so either I come up with a book or hustle my way through paying back the advance. And since I cant really escape the publisher by fleeing back to my country, from which I had to escape more than two years ago (more on that later!), I might as well write the goddamn book.

How my story is not already in development to be an awards-season darling is beyond me. Picture this: an Arab man (played by Javier Bardem with an accent because, you know, Hollywoods diversity problem) grows up to save a few lives as a heart surgeon, but when a whole region experiences the biggest clusterfuck in its history, he saves the whole nation with his jokes. The writers may have to take some liberties in order to write a happy ending and appeal to an American audience, but enjoy your second Oscar, Javier.

However, the movie has yet to be made, so youre just going to have to read this book. Through it you will see how ignorance, xenophobia, racism, and everything that Donald Trump stands for can transcend borders, cultures, and religions. You will find how easy it is to brainwash masses of people, however well informed they think they are, without the funding of Fox News, the pure hatred that is Ann Coulter, or the Bible. After the fame and the short-lived celebrity life I had in Egypt, my story is all I have left. So consider me your companion for the next seventy thousand words (yes, thats the minimum the publisher asked for). If youre lucky, reading this book may incite an interesting conversation (or fight!) at a bar. In certain parts of the country, I bet youll look and sound exotic (i.e., un-American) reading a short history of the Arab Spring through the eyes of the Jon Stewart of Egypt. If you are liberal, you will attract other liberalsyou know, being interested in the matters of the world and shit. If youre really lucky, you might even get laid tonight by some hot chick! (If you are a woman, that last sentence is totally sexist and was planted there by my editor.) And if you are a Republican, well... Im sorry! That must be really tough for you.

Most books about the Arab Spring start on January 25, 2011, when the Egyptian Revolution officially began. Its the logical jumping-off point, and trust me, we will get there. But remember, this book is also about me, and Im the one writing it... so lets jump forward a couple of years and start with something to really grab you, like the time I was trying to flee from my own country, to become an exfunny man, a fugitive on the run.