Debby Irving - Waking Up White: and Finding Myself in the Story of Race

more praise for waking up white

Waking Up White is a brutally honest, unflinching exploration of race and personal identity, told with heart by a truly gifted storyteller. Much as Irvings family sought to shield her from the contours of the nations racial drama, far too many white Americans continue to do the same. For their sakes, and ours, lets hope Irvings words spark even more truth-telling. They certainly have the power to do so.

Tim Wise

author of White Like Me: Reflections on Race from a Privileged Son

Waking Up White is engaging, challenging, and action-oriented! Its a must read for anyone exploring issues of racism, power, privilege, and leadership.

Eddie Moore Jr.

founder of the White Privilege Conference

Waking Up White is a wake-up call for white people who want to consciously contribute to racial justice rather than unconsciously perpetuate patterns of racism. With honesty and humility, Debby Irving shares her own story of transformationa journey of opening herself to learning about the realities of racism and the unintended impacts of white privilege. By confronting her own fears and mistakes, she gleans many useful lessons and tips that can help move others from confusion and avoidance to constructive engagement, authentic connection, and courageous action.

Terry Keleher

Thought Leadership and Practice Specialist, Race Forward

Debby Irvings Waking Up White, and Finding Myself in the Story of Race is a courageous, insightful, and critical contribution to awareness of race in the United States. A virtual one-woman Truth and Reconciliation Commission, Debbys journey from an aha instant to consciousness is a journey for all Americans.

Thomas Shapiro

author of The Hidden Cost of Being African American
and Director of the Institute on Assets and Social Policy

Waking Up White, and Finding Myself in the Story of Race

Copyright 2014 by Debby Irving

Elephant Room Press

Cambridge, MA

Minor corrections were made to the text in July 2018.

Fifty percent of profits will go to charities addressing issues of racial inequity.

Some names and locations have been changed to protect privacy.

Cover photo by Ed Crabtree, Winchester, Massachusetts, December 27, 1962.

Used by permission.

Cover design: Brad Norr, Brad Norr Design

Page design: Zan Ceeley, Trio Bookworks

Debby is available for keynotes, discussion forums, book talks, and book group discussions via Skype or in person.
Visit debbyirving.com to contact her.

Discounts for bulk purchases by nonprofits, schools, corporations, or other organizations may be available. Write to to inquire.

Aside from brief passages in a published review, no part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including all technologies known or later developed, without written permission from the publisher.

For reprint permission, write to .

Library of Congress Control Number: 2013958088

ISBN, print: 978-0-9913313-0-7

ISBN, ebook: 978-0-9913313-1-4

Printed in the United States of America

If I love you, I have to make you conscious of the things you dont see.

James Baldwin

NOT SO LONG AGO, if someone had called me a racist, I would have kicked and screamed in protest. But Im a good person! I would have insisted. I dont see color! I dont have a racist bone in my body! I would have felt insulted and misunderstood and stomped off to lick my wounds. Thats because I thought being a racist meant not liking people of color or being a name-calling bigot.

For years I struggled silently to understand race and racism. I had no way to make sense of debates in the media about whether the white guy was being a racist or the black guy was playing the race card. I wanted close friends of color but kept ending up with white people as my closest friends. When I was with a person of color, I felt an inexplicable tension and a fear that I might say or do something offensive or embarrassing. When white people made blatantly racist jokes or remarks, I felt upset but had no idea what to do or say. I didnt understand why, if laws supporting slavery, segregation, and discrimination had been abolished, lifestyles still looked so different across color lines. Most confusing were unwanted racist thoughts that made me feel like a jerk. I felt too embarrassed to admit any of this, which prevented me from going in search of answers.

It turns out, stumbling block number 1 was that I didnt think I had a race, so I never thought to look within myself for answers. The way I understood it, race was for other people, brown- and black-skinned people. Dont get me wrongif you put a census form in my hand, I would know to check white or Caucasian. Its more that I thought all those other categories, like Asian, African American, American Indian, and Latino, were the real races. I thought white was the raceless racejust plain, normal, the one against which all others were measured.

What Ive learned is that thinking myself raceless allowed for a distorted frame of reference built on faulty beliefs. For instance, I used to believe:

• Race is all about biological differences.
• I can help people of color by teaching them to be more like me.
• Racism is about bigots who make snarky comments and commit intentionally cruel acts against people of color.
• Culture and ethnicity are only for people of other races and from other countries.
• If the cause of racial inequity were understood, it would be solved by now.

If these beliefs sound familiar to you, you are not alone. Ive met hundreds of white people across America who share not only these beliefs but the same feelings of race-related confusion and anxiety I experienced. This widespread phenomenon of white people wanting to guard themselves against appearing stupid, racist, or radical has resulted in an epidemic of silence from people who care deeply about justice and love for their fellow human beings. I believe most white people would take a stand against racism if only they knew how, or even imagined they had a role.

In the state that is somewhere between fear and indifference lies an opportunity to awaken to the intuitive voice that says, Somethings not right. What is going on here? I wish I could make a difference. In my experience, learning to listen to that voice is slowly but surely rewiring my intuition, breaking down walls that kept me from parts of myself, and expanding my capacity to seek truths, no matter how painful they may be. Learning about racism has settled inner conflicts and is allowing me to step out of my comfort zone with both strength and vulnerability in all parts of my life. Racism holds all of us captive in ways white people rarely imagine.

As my white husband said to me recently, It couldnt have happened to a whiter person. And if I, a middle-aged white woman raised in the suburbs, can wake up to my whiteness, any white person can. Waking up white has been an unexpected journey thats required me to dig back into childhood memories to recall when, how, and why I developed such distorted ideas about race, racism, and the dominant culture in which I soaked. Like the memoir by the guy who loses two hundred pounds or the woman who overcomes alcohol addiction, my story of transformation is an intimate one. In order to convey racisms ability to shape beliefs, values, behaviors, and ideas, I share personal and often humiliating stories, as well as thoughts I spent decades not admitting, not even to myself.

As I unpack my own white experience in the pages ahead, I have no pretense that I speak for all white Americans, not even my four white siblings. Never before have I been so keenly aware of how individual our cultural experiences and perspectives are. That said, all Americans live within the context of one dominant culture, the one brought to this country by white Anglo settlers. Exploring ones relationship to that culture is where the waking-up process begins.