Debby Herbenick - Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction

1. In a 2007 study of college students, what was the number one reason that both women and men gave for having sex with another person?

1. They felt attracted to the person
2. They wanted to marry the person
3. They wanted to become pregnant
4. Because it seemed fun

2. In the past year, approximately what percentage of women and men likely had a period of several months during which they didnt find sex to be pleasurable?

1. 10% of women and 1% of men
2. 15% of women and 5% of men
3. 23% of women and 8% of men
4. 30% of women and 10% of men

3. Women who approach sex from a perspective of intimacy, calmness, or wanting to learn more about their partner are more likely to:

1. Experience orgasm
2. Masturbate
3. Be single
4. None of the above

4. Sexual satisfaction is most closely tied to:

1. Penis size
2. Relationship satisfaction
3. Sex toy use
4. Being single

Answers: 1) a; 2) c; 3) a; 4) b

How did you do? Did any of your answers surprise you? At the beginning of each chapter, Ive included a quiz. The goal of this is to have you start thinking about various sex-related topics and what youd like out of your sex life. This book, after all, is about celebrating the potential for sex to feel goodnot just good as in toe-curling orgasms, but good as in you feel satisfied to the core of your being. It is also an invitation to explore how scientific information about sex can be used to enhance your experience of sexuality and to make intimacy more fun and fulfilling. Thats true whether your sex life is shared with a partner, a vibrator, or a bit of each, and whether you are new to sex and relationships or well-seasoned in their ups and downs.

In subsequent chapters, well focus on specific topics related to our bodies, sexual arousal, desire, orgasm, sex toys, positions, communication, and various tools that can help make feel-good sex achievable for you. First, however, well consider the differences between pleasurable and unpleasurable sex (beyond the obvious fact that one feels good and the other doesnt) and work on getting you more of the sex that you want and less of the sex youre less keen on. Specifically, after reading this chapter I hope that you will:

Understand how women and men become caught in cycles of dread

Be able to identify at least one strategy that you can use to prevent (or get out of) a cycle of dread

Learn how to decline sex in a way that actually enhances your relationship

Begin to pay more attention to the sensual nature of your sex lifethe sights, sounds, scents, textures, and tastes

Be able to articulate what you want your sex life to look and feel like

I wanted to write a book about the pleasures of sex because over the past few years, Ive become concerned that many people have lost sight of how good sex can feel, inside and out. It seemed to me that sex had increasingly become just another thing on many peoples to-do (or to-dread) lists. It seemed, too, that certain pressures had developed around sex. Some of these were new versions of old issues, like the pressure to perform (now intensified by a decade of performance-enhancing medications like Viagra) and the pressure to keep up sexually with the neighbors (highlighted in 2008 by the publication of ). When it seems like everyone else is having frequent and amazing sexthanks in part to medication and exaggerationmany people begin to wonder whether their own sexual experiences are good enough, occur often enough, or are exciting enough.

Over the past few years, Ive noticed another growing trend: the suggestion that people should have sex because it is healthy. As a sex researcher at the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University, Bloomington, and a sex educator at the Kinsey Institute, numerous newspaper, magazine, and online writers have interviewed me for articles about the health benefits of having sex or the health-related reasons that people should have sex.

Collaborating with journalists is interesting work, particularly because they are a smart and curious bunch, and these stories were intended to help people improve their lives. Yet something about these health benefit articles began to frustrate me. Many of the articles seemed to highlight similar lines of research: namely, that having sex can reduce stress, lower blood pressure, boost immunity, relieve headaches, burn calories, reduce cancer risk, and encourage sound sleep. The implied advice was that women and men should have more sex more oftenif not to save their relationships, then to save (or at least improve) their health.

The fact is, many of those benefits have been exaggerated or misrepresented. For example, while having sex can potentially reduce stress, it can also increase stress if the participant is worried about infection, pregnancy risk, emotional connection, or sexual performance. And while having sex burns some calories, it is rarely as effective an exercise as running, using the elliptical machine, or even taking a vigorous walk (unless youre having sex in a surprisingly athletic way!).

Dont get me wrongas a sexual health and public health professional, it thrills me to no end when I read (or am interviewed for) positive articles about sex. Though it is important for women and men to understand the very real risks of having sex so that they can protect themselves physically and emotionally, our society spends so much time talking about the bad things that its easy to forget that most of the sex we engage in is associated with positive, and often pleasurable, feelings or outcomes. When it comes to sex, I think we could all benefit from a more balanced perspective.