Debby Herbenick - Sex Made Easy: Your Awkward Questions Answered-For Better, Smarter, Amazing Sex

Sex

Made Easy

Your awkward questions
answered
for better, smarter,
Amazing sex

By Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., M.P.H.

Running Press
Philadelphia London

2012 by Debby Herbenick

Published by Running Press,

A member of the Perseus Books Group

All rights reserved under the Pan-American and International Copyright Conventions

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Library of Congress Control Number: 2011944640

E-book ISBN 978-0-7624-4496-0

9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Digit on the right indicates the number of this printing

Cover and interior design by Bill Jones

Interior illustrations by Josie Morway

Author photograph Bernard Gordillo

Edited by Jennifer Kasius

Typography: Conduit, Minion, and French Script

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This book is dedicated to all of the parents, best friends, partners, school teachers, nurses, doctors, journalists, sex educators, counselors, therapists, activists, spiritual leaders, and politicians who are trying in earnest and with heart to make peoples sex lives easier and more enjoyable.

A iding me in my efforts to make sex a little, if not a lot, easier for readers of this book, a number of people have made my work significantly easier and more pleasant. I am grateful to my editor, Jennifer Kasius, for her patience, direction, and vision and the thoughtful ways in which she helped me to articulate my message. I am thankful to my literary agent, Kate Lee, for believing in my work and for her encouragement and wisdom. The talented Josie Morway deserves praise for gracing these pages with her beautiful illustrations.

Many thousands of women and men inspired this book by trusting me with their sex-related secrets and questions. A number of these are readers of my sex columns and listeners of our Kinsey Confidential podcast series whom I have never met. However, not a day goes by that I dont hear from or think about them and the kinds of information that might make their sexual lives easier or more meaningful. Then there are the many women and men whom Ive met, or taught at Indiana University, or who have sat in my officeand sometimes cried in my officeas they asked questions and sometimes shared their sexual difficulties with me. This is a kind of trust and intimacy that no schooling could have ever prepared me for and I am grateful to experience it so regularly. It inspires me to want to learn more, research the right questions, and share the answers I find with the people who need them.

I am fortunate, too, to work with a number of colleagues who have provided support, encouragement, laughterand intellectual stimulation throughout the process of writingas well as through my day-to-day work of conducting research and teaching about human sexuality. I count myself very lucky to work on a daily basis with Michael Reece, Vanessa Schick, and Brian Dodge; I hope never to take for granted their friendship and camaraderie. I am also indebted to our team of graduate students at the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University (Alexis, Andreia, Caroline, Erika, Kristen, Margo, Nicole, Phil, Randy, and Sofia), all of whom Im confident will make the world a better place through their research and education efforts. Jennifer Bass, John Bancroft, Thomas Nord, and Jim Lenahan were among the first to put me in charge of answering readers sex questions and Im thankful that they believed in me. Additionally, many colleagues, mentors, and former studentswhether they know it or nothave inspired and challenged my thinking in ways that I hope have made Sex Made Easy a more helpful book. These include Justin Anderson, Michael Bailey, Jada Barbry, Cara Berg, Lee Belz, Virginia Braun, Laura Castiglione, Meredith Chivers, Meredith Davis, Betty Dodson, Christopher Fisher, Dennis Fortenberry, Cindy Graham, Madeline Haller, Julia Heiman, Ariane Hollub, Jordan Humphrey, Natalie Ingraham, Catherine Johnson-Roehr, Jeana Jorgensen, Kristen Jozkowski, Holly Moyseenko Kossover, Wendy Likes, Kate McCombs, Carol McCord, Cindy Meston, Robin Milhausen, Charlene Muehlenhard, Brian Mustanski, Emily Nagoski, Lucia OSullivan, Carol Queen, June Reinisch, Heather Rupp, Tracy Rupp, Stephanie Sanders, Sonya Satinsky, Dan Savage, Michaela Schwartz, Samantha Seeger, Colleen Stockdale, Leonore Tiefer, and Yvette Trujillo (and many more).

This is the first book in which I have discussed aspects of my personal sexual life. For this, I am grateful to age, wisdom, and experienceand to those with whom Ive been fortunate to fall in and out of like, love, lust, and crushes. The stories Ive shared here are real, but identifying details have been omitted and sometimes changed in order to protect their privacy. They are good men Im proud to have known and learned from, and with whom I enjoyed sharing parts of each others lives.

Im happy to have friends and family as sources of love and support. Ariane, Susie, Erica, Tom, Ben, Brooke, Brandon, Vanessa, Michael, Brian, Heather, Mike, David, Cathy, Mary, Susan, and Rick are among those whom I adore and whom I hope to always know (even if I dont see some of them nearly as much as I would like). My grandparents and parents provided a solid foundation for me that encouraged education and a sense of compassion and I will love them forever for that. I am grateful, too, to my sister Laura, my brother-in-law Tim, and my wonderful niece, who is a joy to be around and watch grow up into a bright, talented young woman. Finally, I want to express my most heartfelt joy to James (and to Jezebel), whom I can always count on for hugs, kisses, and cuddles. I appreciate his understanding when I interrupt dinner to email someone back with a response to a question about how to have an orgasm or last longer in bed. In my world, this happens more than I can say, and hes more patient and understanding than I could have hoped for.

T here is no such thing as a typical day of work for meat least, not since I began working as a sex researcher, educator, and columnist at the Center for Sexual Health Promotion and the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University. Most days, Im busy designing sex research studies (on topics such as womens orgasm, lubricant use, condom use, or sexual desire), analyzing data, writing research papers, grading students exams or papers, writing sex columns, answering sex questions from journalists or television producers, or answering emails from students and colleagues. In my work as a sex columnist, I also read and answer emails from people who have questions about sex. Each month, I head into a recording studio on campus to tape a new batch of Kinsey Confidential audio podcasts. Occasionally, Im sent products such as sex toys, lubricants, condoms, or arousal creams and am asked to provide input on their design, safety, or package instructions. With bookshelves lined with vulva puppets, vaginal dilators, sex toys, and books about sex, orgasm, and female ejaculation, its not your normal officeand I wouldnt have it any other way.