Lia Romeo - 11,002 Things to Be Miserable About

LIA ROMEO is an award-winning comic playwright who has worked as a P.R. account executive, a receptionist, and a Subway sandwich artist, all of which have equipped her superbly for writing this book. NICK ROMEO is a fiction writer and public intellectual of whom the public is not yet aware. His current day job has sunk him into a deep malaise, which he has little hope of ever escaping.

This book is a parody and has not been prepared, approved, or authorized
by the creator of 14,000 Things to be Happy About or their
representatives Editor: David Cashion
Designers: Galen Smith and Liam Flanagan
Production Manager: Jacquie Poirier Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data: 11,002 things to be miserable about : the satirical not-so-happy book/
by Lia Romeo and Nick Romeo.
p. cm.
ISBN 978-0-8109-8363-2
1.

HappinessHumor. I. Romeo, Nick. II. Title. III.

Title: Eleven
thousand two things to be miserable about.
PN6231.H35R66 2009
818.5402dc22 2008031407 Copyright 2009 Lia Romeo and Nick Romeo Published in 2009 by Abrams Image, an imprint of Harry N. Abrams,
Inc. All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced,
stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any
means, mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise,
without written permission from the publisher. Abrams Image books are available at special discounts when purchased
in quantity for premiums and promotions as well as fundraising
or educational use. 115 West 18th Street
New York, NY 10011
www.hnabooks.com To our parents, who made
all the misery possible

Several years ago, a friend passed along a copy of a book called 14,000 Things to Be Happy About. This cheerful little book is a stream-of-consciousness list of lifes small joys, the things that make it worth waking up in the morning, that make us appreciate the beauty in the world and feel glad to be alive. 115 West 18th Street
New York, NY 10011
www.hnabooks.com To our parents, who made
all the misery possible Several years ago, a friend passed along a copy of a book called 14,000 Things to Be Happy About. This cheerful little book is a stream-of-consciousness list of lifes small joys, the things that make it worth waking up in the morning, that make us appreciate the beauty in the world and feel glad to be alive.

But what about lifes small miseries: the things that make us think about jumping off tall buildings and make us wonder if life is really worth living after all? No matter how hard we try to convince ourselves that life is a bowl of cherries, the truth is most of the cherries are sour and life basically sucks. And we decided it was time somebody wrote a book about it. (Not that life is always terrible; sometimes the desire to jump off tall buildings subsides and were satisfied with silent weeping.) And so, we present 11,002 Things to Be Miserable About, a stream-of-consciousness list of all the reasons why its not really worth waking up in the morning. 11,002 Things to Be Miserable About is a much-needed antidote to our culture of raging optimismgreeting cards, self-help books, and all the other ineffective ways we try to make ourselves feel better about existence. From death and taxes to rhinoviruses, butt acne, and the Hindenburg disaster, 11,002 Things to Be Miserable About is a book that will make you laugh, cry, and contemplate self-mutilation. Happy reading! Were all gonna die!!!
Lenny Bruce Death Life Hitler Erectile dysfunction Hemorrhoids Used car salesmen Your face Spam (the e-mail) Spam (the processed meat product) Vomiting Blind dates with ugly people Getting old Dying young Victims of lead-based paint Fake English accents February Global warming Red wine hangovers The passage of time Broken condoms Dead puppies The working conditions of migrant laborers Liberal guilt Your boss The existence of other people All the books you will never read before you die Brutus Models The hydrogen bomb Monday mornings The orchestra that played as the Titanic went down Rats Family gatherings Michael Jacksons sexual proclivities Avian flu Your inner thighs Mad Cow Disease Nostril hair High Rise Cat Syndromea surprisingly common disorder in which urban cats, well, jump The Third World Drivers license photos Calculus The subprime mortgage crisis Punching through a cheap wall Butt acne The Mongol invasion The IRS The influenza epidemic of 1918 Wild dogs Laundry Unrequited love Unreciprocated oral sex Bread lines Vegemite Lawyers The airline industry Gas station bathrooms Trimethylaminuriaa persistent body odor that smells like rotten fish The Thirty Years War The Hundred Years War Male pattern baldness Imitation crabmeat David Hasselhoff The air quality in Beijing Asparagus Obesity The impossibility of ever really knowing another person The Spanish Inquisition The Donner Party Sweat Bedbugs Having to hear about other peoples babies High heels Alarm clocks Exploding manhole covers Republicans Democrats Memoirs by people who are boring Memoirs by people who are more interesting than you Strychnine Student loans Untreated sewage The final episode of The Sopranos Carbon monoxide poisoning Your fortieth birthday Grain alcohol The Hilton sisters TV dinners eaten alone Bifocals Credit card debt The day after Christmas Toxic mold Jock itch Idi Amina brutal Ugandan dictator Birds that fly into windows and die Identity theft Polyester Chlamydia Your childhood Rhinestone sunglasses Double chins Milli Vanilli The need for health inspectors Night blindness Mange Running into your ex on your way to the gym Sex after sixty Cannibalism Your children criticizing your cooking Prostate enlargement Commercials about prostate enlargement Existential nausea Actual nausea Nuclear war Drilling in polar bear habitats Oedipus Nasal irrigation Mosquito-borne diseases Olestra Computer crashes The bubonic plague Static cling Blocks full of ugly office buildings Suburban backyards that supply their owners sense of self-worth Being unable to escape an inane conversation Dropping your fork more than once The verb fetishize Men who pose for pictures with their cars Rich people with a veneer of culture Rich people without a veneer of culture Logging Standardized tests Pus Literary criticism Lethal injection Flushing the toilet, which can spray particles of fecal matter up to twenty feet Playboy bunnies Rabid dogs Salmonella Scoliosis Flossing Alien abduction Dandruff Colonoscopies Wine in a box Unplanned pregnancies Secondhand smoke Yeast infections Commercials about yeast infections Dropping off dry cleaning The global economy Children who want to be cashiers when they grow up Fake gardens in office buildings Rodent feces Computer viruses The fall of Rome Dramatic miniseries about the fall of Rome Dentures Running into old friends you would have preferred never to see again Asbestos Pesticides Broccoli NORAD Disco Boils People who order expensive things when they know youre paying Tapeworms Men with Napoleon complexes Anorexia Cellulite Pigeons West Nile Virus Lice Dust mites, which make up one-third of the weight of a six-year-old pillow Aerobics Piranhas Guar gum Spontaneous human combustion Shoulder pads Acid rain Tsetse flies The Riddler High school orchestra concerts Styrofoam Ugly bridesmaids dresses Ugly bridesmaids Electrocution Fake silver rings that turn your fingers green Alphabetical organization Totalitarianism Artificial grape flavoring Roadkill Minivans Smallpox Freud Critics Investment bankers The nonexistence of mermaids The abduction of Helen of Troy High blood pressure Tuna noodle casserole Receiving fund-raising calls during dinner European men in Speedos Spiro Agnew Conjunctivitis The increasing rates of childhood allergies Losing your virginity to the wrong person Seabirds strangled by six-pack rings Benedict Arnold Velociraptors The meatpacking industry The meatpacking district Ruddy-cheeked heroines in Victorian novels Getting invited to your exs wedding Library fines The weak dollar Shark attacks Gorgeous weather in Florida when youre not there Other people kissing Ashlee Simpson

Next page