Kathleen Winkler - Are You Being Bullied?. How to Deal with Taunting, Teasing, and Tormenting

Teasing. Name-calling. Shoving and hitting. Excluding people and spreading rumors about them. All of these things are examples of bullying, which happens to thousands of teens every day. And though some people dismiss it as an inevitable part of growing up, research shows that the effects of bullying can be devestating for both the tormented and the tormentor. Explore ways that people are working together to put an end to bullying, while making the world safer for young people.

Chandra (not her real name) knows what it is like to be bullied. Sixth and seventh grade were miserable for her because she was a target.

Chandra also knows what it is like to bully. In eighth grade, when she was top of the heap, she turned into a bully herself, targeting others. She found that being a bully did not make her feel any happier than being the victim.

Chandra was being bullied and bullying at school. It started in early grade school when Chandra became the student everyone else in the class liked to pick on. In many cases a child is bullied because he or she is shy and will not talk back. That does not seem to be the case with Chandra. She has always been an outspoken person, even as a small child, she says. She is not sure exactly why she was chosen to be picked on, although she has some guesses. Looking back, Chandra, now a college student, thinks the root of her problem getting along in grade school was her early development and her intelligence. She says:

I went through puberty early for one thing, and I was always one of the smarter kids in the class. I was in the gifted and talented program; I was always outspoken in class and really interested in learning. I wasnt ashamed of participating, and that made me stand out. Those things combined really caused people to not like meanyone who stands out in middle school, who is not blending in, is the object of ridicule.

Whatever the reason, by the time she reached sixth grade, it seemed that everyone in her class and the classes above her had ganged up to make her life miserable.

I remember that the kids really made fun of me, she recalls, pain still in her voice.

She says:

One day I had a tube of lip balm that I was putting on a cold sore during class. The teacher said, Why are you putting that on in class? I said, Because I have a cold sore. He said, Isnt a cold sore herpes? Does that mean you have herpes? I laughed nervously and tried to let it pass, but the kids called me herpes for months.

Both boys and girls (and, some might say, that teacher) were guilty of the bullying, but they went about it in different ways. Chandra says:

Boys teased me individually or maybe in twos, but with girls it was large groups that would make fun of me. A lot of times the girls would play tricks on me. Boys would laugh and point and say, Youre fat, but the girls would play jokes like telling me boys liked me when they really didnt. Or they would try to get me to say stupid things so they could laugh at me. They would point out over and over that I was not friends with them. I was an outspoken kid so most times I would try to come up with comebacks to their teasing, but that was pretty much in vain since all the kids were bullying me together.

Bullying can include teasing, name-calling, and physical attacks such as hitting and shoving.

When smart comebacks did not work, Chandra decided to try much harder to get along with the other kids. I started to try really hard to make friends with the bullies friends, and I tried to fit in more with them, hoping they wouldnt think I was such a big loser, she says. For a while it sort of worked and I started getting along with more kids, but the bullying in middle school never really ended.

As time moved on, the worst kids moved on to high school. Once I was in eighth grade, it started changing, getting better, she says. The kids who were older than me, who had been taunting me, were in high school by then.

However, better is a relative term. Chandra says:

In some ways it was better, but in some ways it got worse. In eighth grade I started becomingwell, I wouldnt say introverted because Ive always been outgoingbut I started becoming hateful about things. I was just really negative about everything. I had internalized a lot of things the other kids had said to me. I started thinking that since I was in eighth grade, I could start taking things out on other people.

The bullied became the bully.

Someone I had gone to grade school with told me recently that I spit in his face and threw him up against the wall. I dont remember it, but apparently I did that. I got in trouble for roughing up a kid on the busI wouldnt call it beating him up, but I was physically pushing him around. I started doing that to younger kids who would make me mad for no reason. I was never as cruel as people had been to me, but I sure did my best to get my anger out!

Unfortunately, being a bully brought on anger and a desire for revenge in the other kids. Chandra says:

When I started acting angry and brooding, a new wave of teasing started. Kids my age started calling me names and there were a lot of rumors about me doing drugs and having sex, which werent true. There were a lot of fat jokes, and people constantly called me a lesbian or a slut. Sometimes I was so angry about it I just claimed the rumors and said, Yeah, theyre true. People accusing me of drugs and sex sort of drove me to those areas quicker. I already had the stigma, people were already thinking I was this druggy, or this slut, so I sort of went in that direction. I never went way downhill or anything. But I was definitely dabbling a bit before everybody else because Id already had all this ridicule from kids about it.

When eighth grade finally ended, Chandra told her parents that she just could not handle those kids anymore and asked if she could go to a different school. Her parents agreed, and Chandra went to a private high school. She says:

That was a lot better. Although I dont recommend running from your problems, it really solved mine. Nobody knew me at that school and I definitely started over. Nothing like that started up again. My grades went up and things got a lot better in general. The desire to fight and bully went away with maturityin ninth grade I was at the bottom of the chain again. I didnt have anyone to bully and I was growing out of it anyway. My high school years were really happy.

Chandra finds it hard to give advice to kids who might be going through the same thing she did because some things that happened to her seem contradictory. But she is willing to say:

Its hard to know what to doI was an outspoken kid and I still got trampled on. There are kids out there who are much more shy than I was and they are being crushed. Its very hard to get kids to stop teasing.

I would recommend keeping your relationships, like your family and the friends you do have, close and tight. They will help you to know who you really are and to get through the teasing. Make friends who are willing to stand up for you. You need somebody on your side, you need that net to fall on.