Stephen Dixon - What Is All This?: Uncollected Stories

Its been a long time. I dont know since when. Just a long time. That should be enough to explain it. To say that: a long time. Very long. Since Ive been here, I mean. How could I forget? In this room. In this house. On this street. In this city. This state, to be sure. This country, of course. Naturally, this hemisphere. On earth, goes without saying. This solar system, what can I add? This universe, I wont even go into. Wouldnt try. We all go a long way. Very possibly we all go the same way. Maybe we all add up to the same thing. This time: who can say? Nobody, I think. Maybe some people try. Maybe a lot of people try and some succeed. I dont know. But what is it I began to say? That Ive never left this room? No, Ive gone out. Several to many times. But the number of times isnt important. Lets say Ive only been out of this room once. But stayed away for eighty years only to return and never go out again. It would mean Ive been out a long time by anybodys standards but only went out once. But thats not what I began to say. It was something about myself in this room. But too late, at least for now. Because my next-door neighbor comes in.

Howdy do?

And how are you? is what I answer.

Just fine, and having a pleasant day yourself?

Pleasant. Couldnt be better.

Enjoying the weather and sights?

Wouldnt it be crazy if I didnt?

Well, please continue to have a pleasant day.

It isnt difficult to try.

Then Ill see you then.

And a goodbye to you, I say.

My neighbor leaves. I try to remember what he said. Nothing much. I look at what he left. Enough for a small meal. It takes little to feed me, and I eat. It tastes all right to bad. But a person has to eat. Thats what one of my parents said when he or she spoke to me about needs. Thats something I can remember that brings me way back. And a roof over your head. And clothes, if people where you live wear clothes or the climate you finally settle in gets cold.

The landlady comes in. Hello.

Good morning, I say.

But its evening.

Then good morning for this morning and good evening for now. For how are you today?

Fine, thanks, and you?

Whats to complain about, because really, what could be wrong?

Im happy to hear that, and have a good rest of day.

And Im happy to hear youre happy to hear that, and to you the same, a very nice rest of day.

Goodbye, she says.

Goodbye.

She goes. She left something. A blanket for me to wrap around myself and sleep under tonight. Its what I needed most. I had my meal. Ive a roof and these clothes. Last night was cold. This morning, this afternoon, now this evening is cold. In my mind there comes a time in these seasons when it doesnt seem it can ever get warm again. Somehow she knew. But of course, for she lives in the same building and so must undergo the same cold. God bless her, I would say. Some people might think I should. Others might say or think I shouldnt. This is a world of many opinions, much diversity and different harmonies and strifes. I could almost say theyre what Ive come to like most about it, other than for the possibility of the new day.

Someone raps on my window. Its my super who lives on the other side of me. We share the same fire escape. My window is gated and locked. Bundled up like a bear, he signals me to let him in. I wave for him to come around and enter through the front door. He waves no, its easier getting in through the window now that hes outside. Easier for you, I motion, but for me itll take four times the effort to open my window than the door. Come on, he motions, you opening up or not? I unlock and open the window gate and window and close and lock them once hes inside.

Nice to see you again, he says.

Same here, Mr. Block, and make yourself at home.

Think by now you ought to be calling me John?

John it is then, John.

Fine, Harold.

Whyd you come through the window, John?

Because you opened and unlocked it and the gate.

I opened and unlocked them because you waved me to and then continued to wave me to open and unlock them after I motioned you to go around through your apartment to the public hallway and get in my place through the front door there.

Then because I was out on our fire escape feeding my pigeons and thought itd be nice visiting you again and, if I did, to get into your place through some other way this time but the front door.

A good enough reason I suppose.

Really the only truthful one I have.

Wasnt it kind of cold out there?

Actually, I could probably think up several other truthful reasons, and almost as cold out there as it is inside our rooms.

One day it might not be this cold, I say.

Something to look forward to?

One day it might even be considerably warm.

More to look forward to?

And hot. Our rooms, out there on the fire escape, the hallways, the whole building, will be hot.

Its always good speaking to you, Harold. Seems to raise my body temperature by a degree, which these days I dont mind.

Same here, John. And have a very nice day.

Whats left of it I will.

We shake hands. He leaves through the door. He left a pair of woolen gloves. I put them on. He once said he only had two hands but two pairs of gloves and one day would give or loan me one. He didnt say this time if the gloves were a gift or loan. No note either, which he likes to leave behind. But no matter. Theyre on my hands. My fingers are already warm. A person couldnt have more thoughtful neighbors.

Someone taps to me on the ceiling below. I get on my knees and yell through the floor to the apartment under mine. That you tapping, Miss James?

Three taps have become understood between us to mean yes, and she taps three times.

Having a good day?

One tap means maybe or just so-so.

Not too cold out for you?

Two taps mean no.

Are you saying its cold but not too cold for you?

Three taps.

Well, one day it should get warm again, but probably not too soon.

Four taps mean wonderful or great.

Even hot. Maybe one day even very hot.

Four taps.

Though lets hope it doesnt get so hot where well be as uncomfortable as we are when its this cold. But thats such a long way off as to almost seem unimaginable.

One tap.

By the way, Ive received a number of very nice things today. A meal from Mr. Day, blanket from the landlady and a pair of warm gloves from John.

Six taps mean an interrogative.

Johnthe superMr. Block.

Eight taps for good. Then a long silence.

If youre through now, Miss James, Ill be speaking to you again.

Three taps for yes.

Youre through?

Two taps.

What else would you like to say?

She taps for several minutes straight. Hundreds of taps, maybe thousands. I dont know what shes saying. A so-so here, a great, yes, no and interrogative, but thats all I understand. Then she stops.

Well, thats something, I say. Anything else?

Two taps.

Then goodnight, Miss James. And stay as well and warm as you can.

She taps I hope so and then Goodnight. I go to bed. I put the blanket over me and tuck it in. I wear the gloves and my clothes. Its cold but not as cold for me as it was. And it could be considered a good day. When it began I had nothing to eat and no prospect of a meal and no blanket or gloves. Probably also been a better day for the rest of them because they gave me these things and for Miss James because she knows it and spoke to me tonight. I turn out the light and wait for what I hope will he beautiful dreams. Really, outside of my friendships and conversations here, dreams are what I live for most.