Jon Fosse - Aliss at the Fire

I see Signe lying there on the bench in the room and shes looking at all the usual things, the old table, the stove, the woodbox, the old paneling on the walls, the big window facing out onto the fjord, she looks at it all without seeing it and everything is as it was before, nothing has changed, but still, everythings different, she thinks, because since he disappeared and stayed gone nothing is the same anymore, she is just there without being there, the days come, the days go, nights come, nights go, and she goes along with them, moving slowly, without letting anything leave much of a trace or make much of a difference, and does she know what day it is today? she thinks, yes well it must be Thursday, and its March, and the year is 2002, yes, she knows that much, but what the date is and so on, no, she doesnt get that far, and anyway why should she bother? what does it matter anyway? she thinks, no matter what she can still be safe and solid in herself, the way she was before he disappeared, but then it comes back to her, how he disappeared, that Tuesday, in late November, in 1979, and all at once she is back in the emptiness, she thinks, and she looks at the hall door and then it opens and then she sees herself come in and shut the door behind her and then she sees herself walk into the room, stop and stand there and look at the window and then she sees herself see him standing in front of the window and she sees, standing there in the room, that he is standing and looking out into the darkness, with his long black hair, and in his black sweater, the sweater she knit herself and that he almost always wears when its cold, he is standing there, she thinks, and he is almost at one with the darkness outside, she thinks, yes he is so at one with the darkness that when she opened the door and looked in she didnt notice at first that he was standing there, even though she knew, without thinking it, without saying it to herself, she knew in a way that hed be standing there like that, she thinks, and that his black sweater and the darkness outside the window would be almost one, he is the darkness, the darkness is him, but still thats how it is, she thinks, its almost as though when she came in and saw him standing there she saw something unexpected, and thats whats really strange, because he stands there like that all the time, there in front of the window, its just that she usually doesnt see it, she thinks, or that she sees it but doesnt notice it somehow, because its also that his standing there has become a kind of habit, like most anything else, it has become something that just is, around her, but now, this time, when she came into the room she saw him standing there, she saw his black hair, and then the black sweater, and now he just stands there and looks out into the darkness and why is he doing that? she thinks, why is he just standing there like that? if there was anything to see out the window now she could probably understand it but there isnt anything to see, nothing, just darkness, this heavy almost black darkness, and then, maybe, a car might come by, and then the light from the cars headlights might light up a stretch of the road, but then again not many cars come driving by and thats just how she wanted it, she wanted to live somewhere where no one else lived, where she and he, Signe and Asle, were as alone as possible, somewhere everyone else had left, somewhere where spring is spring, fall is fall, winter is winter, where summer is summer, she wanted to live somewhere like that, she thinks, but now, when the only thing to see is darkness, why would he just stand there looking out into the darkness? why does he do that? why does he just stand there like that all the time, when theres nothing to see? she thinks, and if only it was spring now, she thinks, if only spring would come now, with its light, with warmer days, with little flowers in the meadows, with trees putting out buds, and leaves, because this darkness, this endless darkness all the time now, she cant stand it, she thinks, and she has to say something to him, something, she thinks, and then its as if nothing is what it was, she thinks, and she looks around the room and yes everything is what it was, nothing is different, why does she think that, that something is different? she thinks, why should anything be different? why would she think something like that? that anything could really be different? she thinks, because there he is standing in front of the window, almost impossible to separate from the darkness outside, but what has been wrong with him lately? has something happened? has he changed? why has he gotten so quiet? but, yes, quiet, yes, he was always a quiet type, she thinks, whatever else you can say about him hes always been quiet, so thats nothing out of the ordinary after all, its, its just how he is, thats just the way he acts, thats just how it is, she thinks, and now if only he could turn around and face her, just say something to her, she thinks, anything, just say anything, but he keeps standing there as if he never even noticed her come in

There you are, Signe says

and he turns to her and she sees that the darkness is also in his eyes

I guess I am, yes, Asle says

Theres not much to look at out there, Signe says

No nothing, Asle says

and he smiles at her

No just darkness, Signe says

Just darkness yes, Asle says

Then what are you looking at, Signe says

I dont know what Im looking at, Asle says

But youre standing there in front of the window, Signe says

I am, Asle says

But youre not looking at anything, Signe says

No, Asle says

But why are you standing there then, Signe says

Yes I mean, she says

Yes are you thinking about something, she says

Im not thinking about anything, Asle says

But what are you looking at, Signe says

Im not looking at anything, Asle says

You dont know, Signe says

No, Asle says

Youre just standing there, Signe says

Yes Im just standing here, Asle says

Yes you are, Signe says

Does it bother you, Asle says

Its not that, Signe says

But why are you asking, Asle says

I was just asking, Signe says

Yes, Asle says

I didnt mean anything by it, I was just asking, Signe says

Yes, Asle says

Im just standing here, yes, he says

A lot of times when someone says something they dont really mean anything by it, probably, he says

Probably almost never, he says

They just say something, just to say something, thats true, Signe says

Thats what its like, yes, Asle says

They have to say something, Signe says

They have to, Asle says

Thats how it is, he says

and she sees him stand there and sort of not entirely know what to do with himself and then he raises one hand and lowers it again and then he raises his other hand, holds it halfway in front of him, and then raises the first hand again

What are you thinking about, Signe says

No nothing special, Asle says

No, Signe says

I guess I, Asle says

Yes I, he says

and he stands there and he looks at her

I, he says

I, I, yes well, Ill just, he says

You, Signe says

Yes, Asle says

Youll, Signe says

I, Asle says

I guess Ill go out onto the fjord for a while, he says

Today too, Signe says

I think so, Asle says

and he turns back to the window and again she sees him stand there and be almost impossible to separate from the darkness outside and again she sees his black hair in front of the window and she sees his sweater become one with the darkness outside

Today too, Signe says

and he doesnt answer and today hell row out onto the fjord again, she thinks, but the wind is really blowing, and it probably wont be long before it starts to rain, but does he care about that, whatever the weather is he goes out in his little boat, a small rowboat, a wooden boat, she thinks, and whats so nice about rowing out on the fjord in a little boat like that? it must be freezing cold, and the fjord just there, with its water, its waves, maybe there might be something nice about it in the summer, rowing out on the fjord when the fjord is sparkling blue, when it glitters all blue, then maybe its tempting, when the sun is shining on the fjord and the water is calm and everything is blue upon blue, but now, in darkest autumn, when the fjord is gray and black and colorless and its cold and the waves are high and rough, not to mention in winter when theres snow and ice on the seats of the boat and you have to kick at the rigging to get it loose, get it free of the ice, if you want to free the boat from its moorings, and when snow-covered ice floes are floating on the fjord, why then? whats the appeal of the fjord then? no she just doesnt understand it, she thinks, to put it bluntly, she thinks, she doesnt get it at all, it is a total mystery to her, and if it was only every now and then that he went out onto the fjord, to fish maybe, to set out nets or something, but no, every single day he rows out onto the fjord, sometimes twice a day, in the dark, in the rain, in rough water, every month of the year, does he not want to be with her? is that why he always wants to go out onto the fjord? she thinks, what other reason could there be really? and hasnt he changed recently, he is so rarely happy now, almost never, and he is so shy, he really is, he doesnt want to see people and he turns away if anyone does come and if it ever happens that he does have to talk to someone he stands there and doesnt know what to do with his hands, doesnt know what to say, he stands there and feels sick with embarrassment, everybody can see it, she thinks, and what is the matter with him? she thinks, he was always a little like that, a little withdrawn, a little as if he thought of himself as always being a lot of trouble for other people, as upsetting other people just by being there, as a nuisance, an obstacle to what this or that other person wanted, as if he didnt understand, and its getting worse and worse, before he could at least be around other people but now not anymore, now he goes off to be by himself the second anyone other than her appears