Sherman Alexie - The Toughest Indian in the World

REGARDING LOVE, MARRIAGE, AND sex, both Shakespeare and Sitting Bull knew the only truth: treaties get broken. Therefore, Mary Lynn wanted to have sex with any man other than her husband. For the first time in her life, she wanted to go to bed with an Indian man only because he was Indian. She was a Coeur dAlene Indian married to a white man; she was a wife who wanted to have sex with an indigenous stranger. She didnt care about the strangers job or his hobbies, or whether he was due for a Cost of Living raise, or owned ten thousand miles of model railroad track. She didnt care if he was handsome or ugly, mostly because she wasnt sure exactly what those terms meant anymore and how much relevance they truly had when it came to choosing sexual partners. Oh, shed married a very handsome man, there was no doubt about that, and she was still attracted to her husband, to his long, graceful fingers, to his arrogance and utter lack of fear in social situations hed say anything to anybody but lately, shed been forced to concentrate too hard when making love to him. If she didnt focus completely on him, on the smallest details of his body, then she would drift away from the bed and float around the room like a bored angel. Of course, all this made her feel like a failure, especially since it seemed that her husband had yet to notice her growing disinterest. She wanted to be a good lover, wife, and partner, but shed obviously developed some form of sexual dyslexia or had picked up a mutant, contagious, and erotic strain of Attention Deficit Disorder. She felt baffled by the complications of sex. She haunted the aisles of bookstores and desperately paged through every book in the self-help section and studied every diagram and chart in the human sensuality encyclopedias. She wanted answers. She wanted to feel it again, whatever it was.

A few summers ago, during Crow Fair, Mary Lynn had been standing in a Montana supermarket, in the produce aisle, when a homely white woman, her spiky blond hair still wet from a trailer-house shower, walked by in a white T-shirt and blue jeans, and though Mary Lynn was straight having politely declined all three lesbian overtures thrown at her in her life shed felt a warm breeze pass through her DNA in that ugly womans wake, and had briefly wanted to knock her to the linoleum and do beautiful things to her. Mary Lynn had never before felt such lust in Montana, of all places, for a white woman who was functionally illiterate and underemployed! and had not since felt that sensually about any other woman or man.

Who could explain such things, these vagaries of love? There were many people who would blame Mary Lynns unhappiness, her dissatisfaction, on her ethnicity. God, she thought, how simple and earnest was that particular bit of psychotherapy! Yes, she was most certainly a Coeur dAlene shed grown up on the rez, had been very happy during her time there, and had left without serious regrets or full-time enemies but that wasnt the only way to define her. She wished that she could be called Coeur dAlene as a description, rather than as an excuse, reasons, prescription, placebo, prediction, or diminutive. She only wanted to be understood as eccentric and complicated!

Her most cherished eccentricity: when she was feeling her most lonely, shed put one of the Big Mom Singerss powwow CDs on the stereo (Im not afraid of death, hey, ya, hey, death is my cousin, hey, ya, ha, ha) and read from Emily Dickinsons poetry (Because I could not stop for Death/ He kindly stopped for me).

Her most important complication: she was a woman in a turbulent marriage that was threatening to go bad, or had gone bad and might get worse.

Yes, she was a Coeur dAlene woman, passionately and dispassionately, who wanted to cheat on her white husband because he was white. She wanted to find an anonymous lover, an Indian man who would fade away into the crowd when she was done with him, a man whose face could appear on the back of her milk carton. She didnt care if he was the kind of man who knew the punch lines to everybodys dirty jokes, or if he was the kind of man who read Zane Grey before he went to sleep, or if he was both of those men simultaneously. She simply wanted to find the darkest Indian in Seattle the man with the greatest amount of melanin and get naked with him in a cheap motel room. Therefore, she walked up to a flabby Lummi Indian man in a coffee shop and asked him to make love to her.

Now, she said. Before I change my mind.

He hesitated for a brief moment, wondering why he was the chosen one, and then took her by the hand. He decided to believe he was a handsome man.

Dont you want to know my name? he asked before she put her hand over his mouth.

Dont talk to me, she said. Dont say one word. Just take me to the closest motel and fuck me.

The obscenity bothered her. It felt staged, forced, as if she were an actress in a three-in-the-morning cable-television movie. But she was acting, wasnt she? She was not an adulteress, was she?

Why exactly did she want to have sex with an Indian stranger? She told herself it was because of pessimism, existentialism, even nihilism, but those reasonsthose wordswere a function of her vocabulary and not of her motivations. If forced to admit the truth, or some version of the truth, shed testify she was about to go to bed with an Indian stranger because she wanted to know how it would feel. After all, shed slept with a white stranger in her life, so why not include a Native American? Why not practice a carnal form of affirmative action? By God, her infidelity was a political act! Rebellion, resistance, revolution!

In the motel room, Mary Lynn made the Indian take off his clothes first. Thirty pounds overweight, with purple scars crisscrossing his pale chest and belly, he trembled as he undressed. He wore a wedding ring on his right hand. She knew that some Europeans wore their wedding bands on the right hand so maybe this Indian was married to a French woman but Mary Lynn also knew that some divorced Americans wore rings on their right hands as symbols of pain, of mourning. Mary Lynn didnt care if he was married or not, or whether he shared custody of the sons and daughters, or whether he had any children at all. She was grateful that he was plain and desperate and lonely.

Mary Lynn stepped close to him, took his hand, and slid his thumb into her mouth. She sucked on it and felt ridiculous. His skin was salty and oily, the taste of a working man. She closed her eyes and thought about her husband, a professional who had his shirts laundered. In one hour, he was going to meet her at a new downtown restaurant.

She walked a slow, tight circle around the Indian. She stood behind him, reached around his thick waist, and held his erect penis. He moaned and she decided that she hated him. She decided to hate all men. Hate, hate, hate, she thought, and then let her hate go.

She was lovely and intelligent, and had grown up with Indian women who were more lovely and more intelligent, but who also had far less ambition and mendacity. Shed once read in a book, perhaps by Primo Levi or Elie Wiesel, that the survivors of the Nazi death camps were the Jews who lied, cheated, murdered, stole, and subverted. You must remember, said Levi or Wiesel, that the best of us did not survive the camps. Mary Lynn felt the same way about the reservation. Before shed turned ten, shed attended the funerals of seventeen good women the best of the Coeur dAlenes and had read about the deaths of eighteen more good women since shed left the rez. But what about the Coeur dAlene men those liars, cheats, and thieves whod survived, even thrived? Mary Lynn wanted nothing to do with them, then or now. As a teenager, shed dated only white boys. As an adult, shed only dated white men. God, she hated to admit it, but white men her teachers, coaches, bosses, and lovers had always been more dependable than the Indian men in her life. White men had rarely disappointed her, but theyd never surprised her either. White men were neutral, she thought, just like Belgium! And when has Belgium ever been sexy? When has Belgium caused a grown woman to shake with fear and guilt? She didnt want to feel Belgian; she wanted to feel dangerous.