John McGahern - The Dark

SAY WHAT YOU SAID BECAUSE I KNOW.

I didnt say anything.

Out with it I tell you.

I dont know I said anything.

F-U-C-K is what you said, isnt it? That profane and ugly word. Now do you think you can bluff your way out of it?

I didnt mean, it just came out.

The filth thats in your head came out, you mean. And Im going to teach you a lesson for once. Youd think thered be some respect for your dead mother left in the house. And trying to sing dumb as if butter wouldnt melt. But Ill teach you.

He took the heavy leather strap he used for sharpening his razor from its nail on the side of the press.

Come on with me. Upstairs. Ill teach you a lesson for once. Ill teach you a lesson for once, he said with horrible measured passion through his teeth, the blood mounted to his face. Ill teach you a lesson this house wont forget in a hurry.

I didnt mean it, Daddy. I didnt mean it, it just slipped out.

Up the stairs. March. Im telling you. Up the stairs.

By the shoulder Mahoney pushed him out the door into the hallway towards the stairs.

March, march, march, he kept grinding as they went. Quickly. No, not in there, when he turned for the room where they both slept together. Into the girls room. Thisll have to be witnessed. Ill teach a lesson this house wont forget.

The two large beds where all the girls slept faced the door, the little table between them, and above it on the wall the picture of the Ascension. A plywood wardrobe and a black leather armchair stood beside the empty fireplace. Mona rose out of the bedclothes in fright at their coming.

Im going to teach this gent a lesson. Your sister can be witness of this. Now off with your clothes. Im going to teach you a lesson. Quick. Strip. Off with your clothes.

Slowly, in a dazed horror, he got off his jacket and wept.

No. I didnt mean it, Daddy. It just slipped out.

Off with your jersey. Quick. We cant stand here all day, a white froth showed on his lips. The eyes stared out beyond the walls of the room. The belt twitched against his trousers, an animals tail.

Off with the trousers. Off with trousers.

No, no.

Off with the trousers, I said.

He just moved closer. He didnt lift a hand, as if the stripping compelled by his will alone gave him pleasure.

Off with the trousers, and with frightened weeping the trousers were let slip down around the ankles on the floor.

Off with the shirt, he ground quietly, and when the shirt was off the boy stood completely naked. With the belt he pointed to the armchair.

Into that chair with you. On your mouth and nose. Ill give your arse something it wont forget in a hurry.

No, Daddy, no. I didnt mean, he gave one last whimper but he had to lie in the chair, lie there and wait as a broken animal. Something in him snapped. He couldnt control his water and it flowed from him over the leather of the seat. Hed never imagined horror such as this, waiting naked for the leather to come down on his flesh, would it ever come, it was impossible and yet nothing could be much worse than this waiting.

Ill teach you a lesson for once, and then he cried out as the leather came, exploding with a shot on the leather of the armrest over his ear, his whole body stiff, sweat breaking, and it was impossible to realize he hadnt actually been hit yet.

No, no, no, he cried as he tried to rise.

Dont move. Dont move. Move and Ill cut that arse off you. Im only giving you a taste of what youre going to get. Im just showing you and shut that shouting, and he was willed by fear back on his mouth and nose, not able to move, shivering fits beginning to come, and the anguish and squalor was impossible, but would the black leather cut across his flesh this time, it was horrible and worse than death to think.

It came as it came before, a rifle crack on the armrest, the same hysterical struggle, and he hadnt been hit yet, it was unreal.

Dont move and shut that shouting, and when he was reasonably still except for the shivering and weeping, the leather came for the third time exactly as before. He didnt know anything or what he was doing or where the room was when the leather exploded on the black armrest beside where his ear was.

Shut up that racket and get on your feet. Quick. And shut up. Its on the bare skin youll get it the next time but that tastell do for this time. Get your clothes on you. You can count yourself lucky. Get up. Get up.

It was such a struggle to realize it was over. He had to try to get on his feet out of the chair, it was a kind of tearing, and to stand naked on the floor. The shivering fits of crying came and went, but quieter. He was only aware of Monas frightened wailing in the bed when Mahoney shouted, You in the bed shut up before you get cause. Shut up now. Let that be a lesson to you. I dont know whether its sick you are or foxing in that bed these last days. And you you get your clothes, and waste no time getting downstairs, he turned to the naked boy before he left the room, his face still red and heated, the leather hanging dead in his hand.

It was a real struggle to get each piece of clothing on after hed gone, the hands clumsy and shaking. The worst was the vapoury rush of thoughts, he couldnt get any grip on what had happened to him, hed never known such a pit of horror as hed touched, nothing seemed to matter any more. His mother had gone away years before and left him to this. Day of sunshine hed picked wild strawberries for her on the railway she was dying.

Did he hit you at all? Mona was asking from the bed.

No.

The word opened such a floodgate that he had to hurry out of the room with the last of his clothes in his hands, by the front door out to the old bolted refuge of the lavatory, with the breeze blowing in its one airhole. There they all rushed hours as these to sit in the comforting darkness and reek of Jeyes Fluid to weep and grope their way in hatred and self-pity back to some sort of calm.

THEY ALL GOT BEATINGS, OFTEN FOR NO REASON, BECAUSE THEY laughed when he was in foul humour, but they learned to make him suffer to close their life against him and to leave him to himself.

Im told nothing in this house, never. I might as well be a leper but whos bringing you up alone without help, whos earning the bread, hed complain.

Theyd listen silently, with grave faces: but once theyd turn to each other theyd smile cruelly. He couldnt have it both ways. Hed put himself outside and outside theyd make him stay. Neither brutality nor complaining could force a way in but it was not so easy to keep him out when he changed and offered them an outing, to Duffys circus, or a day on the river.

Itd be nice to make a day of it fishing tomorrow.

Theyd make no answer, theyd watch him and each other, they didnt trust.

Why cant you speak out? We could go after first Mass and bring sandwiches and make a day of it.

Itd be nice, they werent sure, they didnt trust enough to want to go.

Wed be able to get bottles of lemonade to drink with the sandwiches at Knockvicar. We might get a few pike too.

And suddenly they trusted again because they wanted, he was their father, this time might be different and happy. They laughed. Tomorrow theyd go together in the tarred boat to Knockvicar.

The old boat held together by tar and pitch and sand was moored under a sally on the river, dead leaves of the sally on the ribs and floorboards with the fish scales.

They took their places in the boat before he untied it, and with one knee on the edge drove it out into the stream, and clambered on to the rowing-seat while it was moving. They began to let out the spoons as he pulled.

Watch now. Hold the lines tight. I hear a twenty-pounder coming round by Morans Bay on a motor-bike, he joked and they laughed but their fingers trembled on the white lines, feeling the vibration of the spoons and then someone shouted.