Bekki Albertalli - Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda

Dedication

To Brian, Owen, and Henry,

who are the reason I write love stories

ITS A WEIRDLY SUBTLE CONVERSATION. I almost dont notice Im being blackmailed.

Were sitting in metal folding chairs backstage, and Martin Addison says, I read your email.

What? I look up.

Earlier. In the library. Not on purpose, obviously.

You read my email?

Well, I used the computer right after you, he says, and when I typed in Gmail, it pulled up your account. You probably should have logged out.

I stare at him, dumbfounded. He taps his foot against the leg of his chair.

So, whats the point of the fake name? he asks.

Well. Id say the point of the fake name was to keep people like Martin Addison from knowing my secret identity. So I guess that worked out brilliantly.

I guess he must have seen me sitting at the computer.

And I guess Im a monumental idiot.

He actually smiles. Anyway, I thought it might interest you that my brother is gay.

Um. Not really.

He looks at me.

What are you trying to say? I ask.

Nothing. Look, Spier, I dont have a problem with it. Its just not that big of a deal.

Except its a little bit of a disaster, actually. Or possibly an epic fuckstorm of a disaster, depending on whether Martin can keep his mouth shut.

This is really awkward, Martin says.

I dont even know how to reply.

Anyway, he says, its pretty obvious that you dont want people to know.

I mean. I guess I dont. Except the whole coming out thing doesnt really scare me.

I dont think it scares me.

Its a giant holy box of awkwardness, and I wont pretend Im looking forward to it. But it probably wouldnt be the end of the world. Not for me.

The problem is, I dont know what it would mean for Blue. If Martin were to tell anyone. The thing about Blue is that hes kind of a private person. The kind of person who wouldnt forget to log out of his email. The kind of person who might never forgive me for being so totally careless.

So I guess what Im trying to say is that I dont know what it would mean for us. For Blue and me.

But I seriously cant believe Im having this conversation with Martin Addison. Of all the people who could have logged into Gmail after me. You have to understand that I never would have used the library computers in the first place, except they block the wireless here. And it was one of those days where I couldnt wait until I was home on my laptop. I mean, I couldnt even wait to check it on my phone in the parking lot.

Because I had written Blue from my secret account this morning. And it was sort of an important email.

I just wanted to see if he had written back.

I actually think people would be cool about it, Martin says. You should be who you are.

I dont even know where to begin with that. Some straight kid who barely knows me, advising me on coming out. I kind of have to roll my eyes.

Okay, well, whatever. Im not going to show anyone, he says.

For a minute, Im stupidly relieved. But then it hits me.

Show anyone? I ask.

He blushes and fidgets with the hem of his sleeve. Something about his expression makes my stomach clench.

Did youdid you take a screenshot or something?

Well, he says, I wanted to talk to you about that.

Sorryyou took a fucking screenshot?

He purses his lips together and stares over my shoulder. Anyway, he says, I know youre friends with Abby Suso, so I wanted to ask

Seriously? Or maybe we could go back to you telling me why you took a screenshot of my emails.

He pauses. I mean, I guess Im wondering if you want to help me talk to Abby.

I almost laugh. So whatyou want me to put in a good word for you?

Well, yeah, he says.

And why the hell should I do that?

He looks at me, and it suddenly clicks. This Abby thing. This is what he wants from me. This, in exchange for not broadcasting my private fucking emails.

And Blues emails.

Jesus Christ. I mean, I guess I figured Martin was harmless. A little bit of a goobery nerd, to be honest, but its not like thats a bad thing. And Ive always thought he was kind of hilarious.

Except Im not laughing now.

Youre actually going to make me do this, I say.

Make you? Come on. Its not like that.

Well, whats it like?

Its not like anything. I mean, I like this girl. I was just thinking you would want to help me here. Invite me to stuff when shell be there. I dont know.

And what if I dont? Youll put the emails on Facebook? On the fucking Tumblr?

Jesus. The creeksecrets Tumblr: ground zero for Creekwood High School gossip. The entire school would know within a day.

Were both quiet.

I just think were in a position to help each other out, Martin finally says.

I swallow, thickly.

Paging Marty, Ms. Albright calls from the stage. Act Two, Scene Three.

So, just think about it. He dismounts his chair.

Oh yeah. I mean, this is so goddamn awesome, I say.

He looks at me. And theres this silence.

I dont know what the hell you want me to say, I add finally.

Well, whatever. He shrugs. And I dont think Ive ever been so ready for someone to leave. But as his fingers graze the curtains, he turns to me.

Just curious, he says. Whos Blue?

No one. He lives in California.

If Martin thinks Im selling out Blue, hes fucking crazy.

Blue doesnt live in California. He lives in Shady Creek, and he goes to our school. Blue isnt his real name.

Hes someone. He may even be someone I know. But I dont know who. And Im not sure I want to know.

And Im seriously not in the mood to deal with my family. I probably have about an hour until dinner, which means an hour of trying to spin my school day into a string of hilarious anecdotes. My parents are like that. Its like you cant just tell them about your French teachers obvious wedgie, or Garrett dropping his tray in the cafeteria. You have to perform it. Talking to them is more exhausting than keeping a blog.

Its funny, though. I used to love the chatter and chaos before dinner. Now it seems like I cant get out the door fast enough. Today especially. I stop only long enough to click the leash onto Biebers collar and get him out the door.

Im trying to lose myself in Tegan and Sara on my iPod. But I cant stop thinking about Blue and Martin Addison and the holy awfulness of todays rehearsal.

So Martin is into Abby, just like every other geeky straight boy in Advanced Placement. And really, all he wants is for me to let him tag along when I hang out with her. It doesnt seem like a huge deal when I think about it that way.

Except for the fact that hes blackmailing me. And by extension, hes blackmailing Blue. Thats the part that makes me want to kick something.

But Tegan and Sara help. Walking to Nicks helps. The air has that crisp, early fall feeling, and people are already lining their steps with pumpkins. I love that. Ive loved it since I was a kid.

Bieber and I cut around to Nicks backyard and through the basement. Theres a massive TV facing the door, on which Templars are being brutalized. Nick and Leah have taken over a pair of rocking video game chairs. They look like they havent moved all afternoon.

Nick pauses the game when I walk in. Thats something about Nick. He wont put down a guitar for you, but hell pause a video game.

Bieber! says Leah. Within seconds, he perches awkwardly with his butt in her lap, tongue out and leg thumping. Hes so freaking shameless around Leah.

No, its cool. Just greet the dog. Pretend Im not here.

Aww, do you need me to scratch your ears, too?