Shailendra Singh - F?@K Knows

Shailendra Singh has B.T.D.T.Been there. Done that. Some know him as a 'sports marketing guru', some as an 'advertising whizz' or 'Bollywood producer', and many acknowledge him as a shrewd 'dealmaker'. He's conceptualized the most famous and long-lasting campaigns for India's biggest brands, managed and helped adjust the jockstraps of India's most respected cricketers, and launched the careers and egos of the country's biggest celebrities. He's opened a direct line of communication with India's youth by creating massive music festivals, is emerging as Asia's largest music promoter, and has produced over sixty Bollywood movies. He has worked on awareness campaigns for HIV/AIDS, cancer and piracy. He enjoys short trots on the beach, any sport that uses a ball, and sugar. This is his first, and hopefully not last, attempt at writing a book.

Published by

Rupa Publications India Pvt. Ltd 2013
7/16, Ansari Road, Daryaganj
New Delhi 110002

Sales centres:
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Copyright Shailendra Singh 2013

The views and opinions expressed in this book are the author's own and the facts are as reported by him which have been verified to the extent possible, and the publishers are not in any way liable for the same.

eISBN: 9788129130105

All rights reserved.
No part of this publication may be reproduced, transmitted, or stored in a retrieval system, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publisher.

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The moral right of the author has been asserted.

Typeset in Dante 11/14.5

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This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated, without the publisher's prior consent, in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published.

To the Universe

Any resemblance to persons living or dead is totally intentional. For those dead, Im sure it wont be a problem, for obvious reasons. For those living, please dont mind that I have used your real name and, in one case, your phone number (People wont really believe I did all this shit! Back me up, Asif!).

Everything that I have written about is totally true and absolutely happened. Except for the story about my uncle in Shamli. And, of course, the story about Ganesha. I made those up. And I may have based the story about Ayjaz on an old folk tale I heard somewhere. But, other than that, everything is true and accurate. I swear on my uncle in Shamli.

1. Read only one chapter at a time. Take long breaks between chapters. The logic contained in this book is very intense and might disrupt your preconditioned assumptions about the world.
2. If you absolutely must read two chapters back to back, a neat vodka lime, a glass of Mot Rose, or a Kir Royale could help ease the brain pain.
3. If, for reasons only known to you, you have read three chapters of this book at the same time, youre totally screwed. I cant help you. No one can.
4. The best places to read this book, are:
   1. On the pot.
   2. On the iPad/eReader that you carry around in your man purse, at 2 a.m. in a nightclub while you wait for your buddies to climb off those two dancers.
   3. In bed, while pretending to be busy, so you dont have to make love to your fiance of five years. (Hint: If its taken so long to seal the deal, and you are avoiding sex with her, she is really not the one.)
   4. On a road trip, if you dont get carsick. Feel free to read chapters aloud to travel companions.
   5. On your BlackBerry Bold, under the boardroom table, while your boss is talking about the future direction of the company. You could care less; you have already reached your targets for the year.
   6. But the best place is on the pot.
5. Do not read this book on a flight. When the common sense of it gets too profound, you will have nowhere to run and hide. Besides, there is very bad language that will embarrass your neighbour as he reads over your shoulder.

his book is an accumulation of my lifes lessons: my journeys, my anecdotes, my profound observations, my simple wisdom. I do not claim any objective understanding of the universal truth, with which I hope to save your soul. No, Im just sharing what I have gathered up, or tripped over, along the way, in the hope that maybe you wont have to make the same mistakes. Or miss out on some really cool shit. If our collective learning can be compounded for the betterment of all mankind, well then, thats a bonus! So be it.

You kids are too smart these days, I agree. But my generation has been around the block a few times, and can point out a few things in the neighbourhood: the bench not to sit on because the nanny changes the babys diaper there, the hot beta whose marriage is already secretly arranged, so you shouldnt bother chasing him, and the beti who pays her security guard not to tell her parents that she sneaks out at night. Its all useful info. Take it or leave it.

But, listenif you happen to follow your heart, like I advise in this book, and it leads you into financial and emotional ruin, then you cant blame me. If you listen to your gut, as I suggest, and it tells you to quit that cushy job you have, take out a massive loan and open your own scuba diving shop in Chandigarh, well then, thats just plain stupid. You cant blame me for that. You may have misunderstood the message from your heart. Or, your execution was shit. Youre new at this. You cant just expect to get it right the first time around.

So, got that? I dont claim to be a master or a life coach. I dont claim to have the answers. Actually, this whole book is about the fact that only you know the answers to your questions. Me? Im just a cool dude, telling you cool things. Im completely indemnified.

The true usage of the phrase is to claim that you simply do not know. However, the phrase is often interpreted as F?@k Nose, which may cause offence to the listener. This misinterpretation is often replied to using Cunt Face which is regarded as the appropriate answer.
What time is Adam supposed be here?
F?@k knows.
Only asking...Cunt Face.

[Urban Dictionary]

hen I suffered a near heart attack on 24 November 2010, at the age of forty-five, I was happy to go. I was ready to call it quits. Cash in my chips. Kick the bucket. Bite the big one.

For quite a few years before my chest started to ache, I hadnt been enjoying my life. My idol, mentor and reason for livingmy fatherhad died from cancer, and I had lost all direction. My body, which had been strong and dependable all my life, had started to fall apart in strange, stupid ways. My patience and energy had been exhausted in an epic battle for justice in a far-off Middle Eastern country. I had lost substantial amounts of hard-earned money in the 2008 economic crisis.

I was f?@king bored.

But, if I am honest with myself, which I am trying to be these days, then it started long before that. I hadnt been truly living, hadnt been the captain of my destiny, since the time I was a child. Since the time I began to understand human language. Since the time my father started to say you have to and you must.