Guy Branum - My Life as a Goddess: A Memoir through (Un)Popular Culture

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Copyright 2018 by Guy Branum

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information, address Atria Books Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.

First Atria Books hardcover edition July 2018

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Interior design by Kyoko Watanabe

Jacket design by Ella Laytham

Jacket photograph Koury Angelo / Dayreps

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Branum, Guy, 1975 author.

Title: My life as a goddess: a memoir through (un)popular culture / Guy Branum; foreword by Mindy Kaling.

Description: First Atria Books hardcover edition. | New York: Atria Books, 2018.

Identifiers: LCCN 2018016385 (print) | LCCN 2018020359 (ebook) | ISBN 9781501170249 (ebook) | ISBN 9781501170225 (hardback) | ISBN 9781501170232 (paperback)

Subjects: LCSH: Branum, Guy, 1975 | ComediansUnited StatesBiography. | ActorsUnited StatesBiography. | BISAC: BIOGRAPHY & AUTOBIOGRAPHY / Personal Memoirs. | HUMOR / General. | BIOGRAPHY & AUTOBIOGRAPHY / Entertainment & Performing Arts.

Classification: LCC PN2287.B6835 (ebook) | LCC PN2287.B6835 A3 2018 (print) | DDC 792.7/6028092 [B]dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018016385

ISBN 978-1-5011-7022-5

ISBN 978-1-5011-7024-9 (ebook)

For my father, Larry Branum, who would have hated this book.

FOREWORD

GUY AND I FIRST met when we were shooting a romantic comedy movie over a decade ago, playing parts of two people nobody cared about. Our roles in the movie were pretty much the same: the desperate but appealing side characters who turned to the good-looking leads and said things like I cant believe how single I am. Guy was our directors pet. His wife had seen him on Chelsea Lately and was obsessed with him. Everything Guy said made our director laugh and so I became jealous of him.

We met again years later in the writing room of The Mindy Project , where I hired Guy to be a writer. My plan, of course, was to hire him only to torment him for his past imprudence of being funnier and better-liked than me. To my dismay, this was thwarted almost immediately and Guy was very popular on staff. Turns out that not only was he a very funny writer, he also went to law school and could give any of us ready legal advice on any subject, no matter how arcane. Thinking about my future prenup and eventual divorce legal fees, I kept him around.

Time went by. My jealousy turned to indifference. My indifference turned to apathy. My apathy turned to light interest, interest turned to fondness, and that fondness turned to love. And the reason I loved Guy surprised me. It was because of his innate kindness. Although he is a very quick wit (a quality I assumed he gained from years of being a successful stand-up and being, well, a gay man) and could eviscerate anyone or anything he wanted, he never did, because Guy is... kind. I dont know many people as funny as he is who care about being compassionate. But Guy does.

But you didnt buy this book because Guys kind. You bought it because hes funny. In this book, he writes hilariously about his career, his family, his gayness. You can live vicariously through him as he got the dream job of working for Chelsea Handler, then feel scared for him when he pissed off Chelsea Handler. Its so refreshing to read someone write truthfully about his family relationships, his love life, and his career in Hollywood, complete with juicy details. I didnt even mind the part where he called me a huge bitch (just kidding, he said I was kind of bitchy. Just kidding, he said I was perfect). Its all so good.

And the secret bonus? You know that deep down, hes a great guy.

Mindy Kaling

Los Angeles, California

PROLOGUE

LETO AND THE LYCIAN PEASANTS

IN MY EIGHTH YEAR, my attentions turned to Greek mythology.

This is hardly unusual for children of that age, which is somewhat strange when you consider how much of Greek myth centers on rape, sexual kidnappings, and adulterous rendezvous between princesses and gods in the form of farm animals. Somehow our culture has decided Greek myths are cool for third-graders, but safe and reliable birth control is too much for a sixteen-year-old to learn about. That said, I am not here to challenge Americas educational morality. Im here to write a collection of humorous personal essays.

Like most people who write collections of humorous personal essays, I was a bookish child. Other boys my age focused most of their time on yelling, trying to fart on each other, and generally not obeying rules. The vast majority of male eight-year-olds love to break rules. It is their greatest passion. Mashing their food together in the cafeteria and pretending its barf. Yelling boobs during a nice assembly where we learn about Irish step dancing. Maiming beauty. They love it. Their fierce defiance of what moms and teachers want out of them is what fuels their spirits. I have never understood these creatures.

A small but resolute minority of eight-year-old boys love the rules. Rules are our only protection from the senseless engines of chaos we share classrooms with. They are that quiet, obedient opposition who would like silence and beauty and assemblies about Irish step dancing to be preserved. I was one of those boys. Third grade is a difficult place for us, so we seek the safety of a world where systems work and laws are obeyed: age-appropriate adventure books.

I grew up in a town where absolutely nothing happened. Its a farm town in California, but not the good part of California. We will get to that later. What you need to know is that it was a place devoid of importancepolitical, economic, or philosophicaland any story that happened there centered on alcoholism and/or domestic violence. No one went to college, no one started a business, no one traveled anywhere but Disneyland or a lake. I grew up in a place with no dreams.

As a little kid in a little town where very little happened, Greek myths made me feel connected to the important stuff. There were kings, sorceresses, and human embodiments of abstract concepts: people who were in charge of things. If I was never going to meet any sophisticated folks in my real life, maybe I could learn how they operated from a book.