Fred Matis - In Quiet Desperation: Understanding the Challenge of Same-Gender Attraction

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Matis, Fred.

In quiet desperation: understanding the challenge of same-gender attraction/Fred Matis, Marilyn Matis, Ty Mansfield.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN-10 1-59038-331-1 (pbk.)

ISBN-13 978-1-59038-331-5 (pbk.)

1. HomosexualityReligious aspectsChurch of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. 2. Matis, Stuart, 19672000. 3. Mormon gays. I. Matis, Marilyn.

II. Mansfield, Ty. III. Title.

BX8643.H65M38 2004

261.835766dc22

2004013047

Printed in the United States of America

R. R. Donnelley, Allentown, PA

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3

For Stuart
and all who strive to find
purpose and peace

The Refiners Fire

Some time ago, a few women met in a certain city to study the scriptures. While reading Malachi 3, they came upon a remarkable expression in the third verse:

And he shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver (Mal 3:3).

One woman proposed to visit a silversmith and report to them on what he said about the subject. She went accordingly, and without telling the object of her errand, begged the silve smith to tell her about the process of refining silver. After had fully described it to her, she asked, But sir, do you sit the work of refining is going on?

Oh, yes, madam, replied the silversmith. I must sit with my eye steadily fixed on the furnace, for if the time necessar for refining be exceeded in the slightest degree, the silver will be injured.

The woman at once saw the beauty and comfort in the expression, He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver sees it needful to put his children into a furnace. His eye is steadily intent on the work of purifying, and his wisdom and love are both engaged in the best manner for us. Our trials do not come at random, and he will not let us be tested beyond what we can endure.

Before she left, the woman asked one final question. When do you know the process is complete?

Why, that is quite simple, replied the silversmith. When can see my own image in the silver, the refining process is finished.

Publishers Preface

This sensitive and significant book has been written by individuals who feel and know things that many of us do not comprehend. All three of the authors are dedicated Latter-day Saints who have a deep conviction of the truthfulness of the restored gospel and an unyielding faith in the person and power of Jesus the Christ. They are in complete agreement with the doctrines and principles set forth in the Proclamation on the Family.

As a publisher, Deseret Book Company is committed to providing books and other products that will help strengthen individuals, families, and the larger society. Like the living Church that is its owner, Deseret Book Company seeks to respond to changing needs and circumstances. This book has been prepared to help readers understand some of the struggles and crosses of those who experience same-gender attraction.

Those who have felt such attractions themselves will find valuable insights into the hearts and minds of two young men who have wrestled with feelings of worth and have sought to live balanced, faithful lives. In one case, the struggle proved to be insurmountable. In the other, the struggle continues, but the young man moves forward with a lively hope that in and through the atoning power of the Savior both strength and change will, in the due time of the Lord, come to pass.

Those who do not understand the nature of same-gender attraction and who either shake their head as if at a mystery or clench their fist in anger will likewise find within these pages understanding and reasons for compassion. Jesus Christ has called upon us all, particularly those of us who count ourselves his disciples, to lift up the hands that hang down, to strengthen the feeble knees, and to succor the weak (D&C 81:5). In a world where the hearts of too many have failed them and love has waxed cold (D&C 45:2627), there is a pressing need for us who are of the household of faith to undergo the change of heart that would equip us to love as the Master loves and to reach out to those who yearn for fellowship and understanding. The Prophet Joseph Smith observed: It is one evidence that men are unacquainted with the principles of godliness to behold the contraction of affectionate feelings and lack of charity in the world. The power and glory of godliness is spread out on a broad principle to throw out the mantle of charity.... The nearer we get to our heavenly Father, the more we are disposed to look with compassion on perishing souls; we feel that we want to take them upon our shoulders.... if you would have God have mercy on you, have mercy on one another (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, 24041).

Those who are teachers, advisors, and priesthood leaders will also find this book especially helpful. Our Eternal Father and his Beloved Son Jesus Christ are in the business of people. Their work and glory are to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man (Moses 1:39). Baptism into the Lords Church initiates us into a service society as we are summoned to bear one anothers burdens, mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those who stand in need of comfort (Mosiah 18:89). We are to be undershepherds to the flock of Christ. None of us desires to do wrong in the sight of God (Mosiah 26:13) when it comes to working with people, because only fools will trifle with the souls of men (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, 137). All of us called to instruct or lead or counsel with others want to do so the best we can. This book provides us with distinctive insights into a crucial issue of our times as it enables us to open our hearts more spontaneously to those who struggle with it.

This is not a self-help book. It is not a clinical text: it does not set forth theories or postulate why or how same-gender attraction occurs. Rather, it is an effort to share feelingsdeep and perceptive feelingsabout one of the most difficult and perplexing challenges of our time. In the pages that follow, you will look into the heart and mind of a mother and father who did all they could to assist their son to bear an almost unbearable burden and face life in the best way he possibly could. In addition, you will read the reflections and impressions of another young man who presently wrestles with same-gender attraction. It will become obvious that he has spent hundreds of hours on his knees, in counsel with priesthood leaders, and in deep and pondering study of the holy scriptures in an effort to cope with feelings of attraction that he did not choose. And though these experiences come from the perspectives of men who have feelings of same-gender attraction and their friends and family who love them, the gospel principles and their application discussed here are equally applicable in the lives of women who have this challenge.