Nancy Van Dyken - Everyday Narcissism: Yours, Mine, and Ours

Special Praise for Everyday Narcissism

This book gives us a new and very helpful way to look at narcissism. It reminds us of truths we already knew or suspected but have discounted or forgotten. Everyday Narcissism is an easy read, and it is filled with help, good will, and hope. I am wildly enthusiastic about the book!

Jean Illsley Clark

Bestselling author of Self-Esteem: A Family Affair, Growing Up Again, and How Much Is Too Much?

Everyday Narcissism unfolds a way to understand why we are the way we are and do what we do in relationships, even if its not good for us. Nancy Van Dyken exposes five erroneous myths about a common perception that our needs will be met if we meet the needs of others first. She helps us understand what gives rise to these myths and offers lots of ways to address them, much to our benefit.

Connie Dawson

Coauthor of Growing Up Again

Everyday Narcissism is a spirited book thats filled with useful insights and self-help suggestions. Nancy Van Dyken turns the growing problem of narcissism around by helping us look at ourselves, rather than judging everyone else. Her Five Myths, Feelings Lists, Needs List, and many easy activities focus the reader on practical steps anyone can take. By making it simple, Van Dyken helps us nurture ourselves while also paying better attention to our relationships.

Bill Eddy

Coauthor of Splitting

This little book offers its readers a BIG liberation! Wisely and sensitively crafted, Nancy Van Dyken examines ENeveryday narcissismin an informed, honest, and nonjudgmental voice. This is a hopeful, positive gem of a book that I could not put down. I, for one, benefitted from its insights and am putting into practice its many lessons.

Scherrie A. Foster

Professor of Communication, Fond du Lac Tribal and Community College

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2017 by Nancy Van Dyken

All rights reserved. Published 2017.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Van Dyken, Nancy, author.

Title: Everyday narcissism: yours, mine, and ours / Nancy Van Dyken; foreword by Anne Katherine.

Description: Las Vegas: Central Recovery Press, 2017.

Identifiers: LCCN 2017012630 (print) | LCCN 2017025417 (ebook) | ISBN 9781942094463 (ebook)

Subjects: LCSH: Narcissism. | Self-actualization (Psychology) | Interpersonal relations. | BISAC: HEALTH & FITNESS / Healthy Living. | PSYCHOLOGY / Interpersonal Relations. | SELF-HELP / Personal Growth / Self-Esteem.

Classification: LCC BF575.N35 (ebook) | LCC BF575.N35 V36 2017 (print) | DDC 155.2/32--dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017012630

Photo of Nancy Van Dyken by Peter Van Dyken. Used with permission.

Every attempt has been made to contact copyright holders. If copyright holders have not been properly acknowledged please contact us. Central Recovery Press will be happy to rectify the omission in future printings of this book.

Publishers Note: This book contains general information about behavioral healthcare matters and related issues. The information is not medical advice. This book is not an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or other professional healthcare provider.

Our books represent the experiences and opinions of their authors only. Every effort has been made to ensure that events, institutions, and statistics presented in our books as facts are accurate and up-to-date. To protect their privacy, the names of some of the people, places, and institutions in this book may have been changed.

Some of the text in this book previously appeared in a much briefer, self-published version, also entitled Everyday Narcissism, copyright 2016 by Nancy Van Dyken. Portions of this book, in somewhat different form, were previously published in the authors book Forgive Them... Are You Kidding? copyright 2011 and 2012 by Nancy Van Dyken.

Cover design by The Book Designers. Interior design by Sara Streifel, Think Creative Design.

I dedicate this book to my grandchildren, Sierra Jane and Juniper Mae, who teach me how to be with them without giving them everyday narcissism messages and how to explore their world without the constraints of everyday narcissism. You continue to teach me the joy of living and how to love with a totally open heart.

And to Kelsey Jane, my daughter, who, because of my deep love for her, continually inspires me to be a better person and mother.

The Five Myths of Everyday Narcissism

1. We are responsible forand have the power to controlhow other people feel and behave.

2. Other people are responsible forand have the power to controlthe way we feel and behave.

3. The needs and wants of other people are more important than our own.

4. Following the rules is also more important than addressing our needs and feelings.

5. We are not lovable as we are; we can only become lovable through what we do and say.

Table of Contents

Authors Note

Most of the stories in this book are either true or based on living people and actual situations. However, I have changed names and details to protect peoples privacy. In a small number of cases, I have created composite characters based on multiple living people. In a few other casesIsabel and her son Sam, for instanceeach story is a hypothetical illustration of a key point. The fictional origins of such stories will be clear in context.

I would like to acknowledge and thank my greatest teacher and lesson giver, my daughter Kelsey. As I made mistakes in my own parenting, my love for her kept me looking inward, seeking my own healing to improve my parenting. It is here that I discovered my own narcissismhow Id been hurt by narcissism and how I had unintentionally hurt my lovely daughter with it as well.

I wish to thank my clients, who elected to trust me and believe that I could help them on their healing journeys. I am grateful for their willingness to walk into their own wounds and emotions, their strength in sharing them with me, and their courage to change.

I want to thank my first editor, Scott Edelstein, who was able to work magic with what I wrote. I appreciate his undying belief in the importance of this book; his confidence that I had something important to share; his continuous challenges to have me think things through and explore key topics more thoroughly; and his help in getting clear about what I was trying to say. He did all this with kindness, gentleness, acceptance, and encouragement. Scott, I am deeply grateful.