Allender Dan B. - Healing the wounded heart workbook: the heartache of sexual abuse and the hope of transformation

Welcome to the Healing Path

I t has been my privilege since 1986 to walk with women and men on a journey that no one readily chooses. In fact, it seems infinitely more reasonable to do anything other than to pick up this workbook and move further into your story. Perhaps you have postponed and fled from this moment for a long, long time, but now you find that your abuse is leaking into your life in a way it was not a year ago, or ten. Something has changed, and starting this journey toward healing is unavoidable. You join the rest of us who are on this path, admitting that we dont know how to go forward but somehow we know we cant go back.

What is this back we cant return to? It is a return to pretending, ignoring, or denying the fact that we have been sexually abused. You wouldnt have picked up this workbook if you had not crossed that threshold. And in doing so you have admitted you are alien; you can no longer live in your home, family, marriage, friendships, church, or body as you once did. The terrain feels like a minefield full of uncertainty and danger. It is like getting bad news. You go to bed and cant sleep, and after a fitful night of tossing and turning you awaken, and in that first instant of consciousness you hope that what is true is not true. Maybe it was all a bad dream and this new day will wash away the heartache. But it never does.

You dont feel it now, nor will you for a long season, but you have made one of the most courageous decisions of your life. It will not only change your present but will also reverberate in the heavens and for future generations. If you could only see the fruit of your labor now, you would grieve that you didnt start sooner. For now, I doubt that my words will be of much comfort because theyll seem untrue. You dont feel courageous. You feel scared, desperate, resigned, and reluctant, and would likely choose almost any other course of action to escape the voice that calls you out of the shadows. But that doesnt change the fact that you are courageous.

It grieves my heart beyond words to say that the vast majority of victims of abuse choose not to suffer more for the hope of a new and better day. Instead, they cut off desire, heartache, truth, and ultimately God in order to keep their seemingly safe boat from capsizing. This choice in favor of an easier present truncates the future and inevitably makes life little more than a tiresome repetition of the past.

You may not know what to do with the abuser, your family, or your spouse. You may be like many of us who hoped that we could just forgive the abuser and forget all that we didnt want to remember. I am saddened by the harm you have suffered and the harm you have inevitably done to yourself over the years. And I am honored and thrilled to walk with you as far as you wish to go from here.

How to Use This Workbook

This workbook is designed to allow you to personalize the material from Healing the Wounded Heart . To personalize means that the focus will be less on theory and more on exploring what it means for you. As much as I believe Healing the Wounded Heart is a helpful book, the process of actual change is far wilder and more unpredictable than any words can express or any framework can determine.

Therefore, while a path will be laid out for you to consider and at times follow, the Spirit of God may direct you to another way for deep and abiding change to occur. It doesnt make this resource less helpful or your path right for everyone. It is simply an acknowledgment that God is in control and designs your story and journey uniquely for his purposes.

The path laid out in this workbook is not meant to be strictly followed as much as it is meant to prompt, stir, focus, and invigorate you as you move forward. I suggest, first of all, that you fully read Healing the Wounded Heart . If you read the original The Wounded Heart , I hope you have both books somewhere so you can easily access both volumes.

Throughout this workbook there are many exercises I encourage you to ponder and write about. I am purposely not providing much space for you to write in the workbook, but there is space to begin. My hope is that you will do many of the exercises on your computer or in an additional notebook.

I also encourage you to go back to Healing the Wounded Heart and reread chapter 12, Steps to Transformation. This workbook aligns closely with that chapter. As you go through this process, the ideal is for you to engage the workbook while in conversation with a good therapist, a kind spouse, strong friends, a supportive church, and a committed group of fellow pilgrims on the same journey. There are few who will be blessed with all five, but one is enough to begin. If you have none, then your fortitude might make it possible to begin the process until you can find at least one of the five. You need support. Period. You need more than mere encouragement to hang in when it gets tough. You need people who will weep, pray, ponder, suffer, and laugh through your changes. It will seldom be people in your family. If your deepest support comes from someone in your family, then count your blessings because you are one in a thousand.