Hill Brandon - What did you expect?: redeeming the realities of marriage

I just didnt think it would be like this, Mary said. She looked completely exhausted and defeated.

Sam just looked angry. He didnt want to be with me talking about his marriage to Mary. In fact, if the truth be told, he didnt want to be married to Mary. Hed had it! Fifteen yearsfifteen years!and this is what I get?

Mary refused to answer; she just sat there and sobbed.

Look what my hard work gave you. No one you know lives in a house like yours. No one you know has the things Ive provided for you. No one has had the wonderful experiences around the world that Ive given you. But, no, its never enough. Mary, Im tired of your constant complaining. Im tired of daily criticism. I just dont want to do this anymore, and I dont think you do either, Sam said, as his voice trailed off.

I looked at Sam and Mary, and I knew it had not always been like this. Ive sat with many couples while they were in the process of considering marriage, which has often been a bit of a frustrating experience for me. No, I havent been frustrated because they were madly in love; I think its wonderful when a man and woman adore one another. I think its wonderful when they decide to spend their lives with one another. I understand that in the throes of the romance of the moment, they find it hard to concentrate on the preparatory work that needs to get done. None of this has frustrated me. I think that deep mutual affection is a beautiful thing.

Heres what has frustrated me again and again: unrealistic expectations. ThereIve said it. I am persuaded that it is more regular than irregular for couples to get married with unrealistic expectations. Again and again I have sat with couples who simply do not seem to be taking seriously the important things the Bible has to say about what every marriage will encounter in the here and now. Unrealistic expectations always lead to disappointment.

You know this is true if you have ever looked at a vacation Web site before traveling there. No vacation site will actually look as nice and function as well as it does on its promotional site on the Internet. You inevitably end up disappointed because you started out with unrealistic expectations.

We took our family on a vacation to Disney World. We looked at that beautiful Disney literature. But we werent told that we would stand under a blazing sun for 90 minutes in 120-degree heat and 200-percent humidity to ride a ride that takes 33 seconds!

My son, who was at this time just a little guy, saw a ride that he wanted to go on. We walked for what seemed like forever and finally found the end of the line. We stood in line so long that my son and I had this conversation: Dad, he said, why are we standing here? I said, There is a ride at the end of this line. And he said, with a look of complete exhaustion, And what ride is it? We had been in the line so long that he had forgotten why we were standing there. Unrealistic expectations always lead to disappointment.

Using the Bible Biblically

Part of the problem is the way we use Scripture. We mistakenly treat the Bible as if it were arranged by topicyou know, the worlds best compendium of human problems and divine solutions. So when were thinking about marriage, we run to all the marriage passages. But the Bible isnt an encyclopedia; it is a story, the great origin-to-destiny story of redemption. In fact, it is more than a story. It is a theologically annotated story. It is a story with Gods notes. This means that we cannot understand what the Bible has to say about marriage by looking only at the marriage passages, because there is a vast amount of biblical information about marriage not found in the marriage passages.

In fact, we could argue, to the degree that every portion of the Bible tells us things about God, about ourselves, about life in this present world, and about the nature of the human struggle and the divine solution, to that degree every passage in the Bible is a marriage passage. Every passage imparts to us insight that is vital for a proper understanding of the passages that directly address marriage, and every passage tells us what we should expect as we deal with the comprehensive relationship of marriage.

One of our problems is that we have not used the Bible biblically, and this has set us up for surprises we shouldnt have had.

Please Dont Mess This Up

But the unrealistic expectations have another source. Its almost as though the potential husband and wife are motivated not to hear the truth about what they will inevitably face, because they dont want anything to mess up the unfettered affection that has left them in a virtual romantic delirium. Now again, I want to say that I think that deep and mutual affection is a beautiful thing, but we must not let it motivate us to deny reality.

That dynamic is like what happens to you while you are consuming a wonderful meal of deep-fried fish and chips, which will be followed by a dessert of rich chocolate cake and ice cream. You simply have no interest in considering what this meal is doing to your heart and waistline. You do not want to discuss calories and cholesterol. You are not very motivated to consider fat and sugar content. No, you want to savor every delectable morsel. You want to consume all the fish and fries you can while they are still warm and crunchy. And no matter how full you are, you are planning to consume a hearty piece of that four-layer, double-chocolate mousse cake.

You see, in the midst of the power of premarital romance, it is very hard to get yourself to want to take a hard and honest look at reality, that is, those things that every couple will face someday, somehow, someway. You are scared that under the heat of the light of truth, your affection may evaporate. You fear that something is going to mess up the delight of what you are experiencing at the moment. What you are experiencing is one of the most powerful things a human being can experience. Love is compelling. It is motivating. It is intoxicating. It can command your mind and control your emotions. You sit with the one you love, considering your marriage to come, and you want what you are now feeling and experiencing to last forever. And youre not about to do anything that will mess it up.

Heres how it tends to work: youre in love and convinced that the love you are now feeling will get you through anything you might face. You simply dont want to dig up potential difficulty. You dont want to consider what could be. You dont want to let the future get in the way of what you are experiencing in the moment. Your attention span is short. You are in love, and you like it, and you are not about to let anything get in the way. You look at one another with glazed eyes, and you are sure that the powerful love you are feeling will get you through anything. You dont feel that you have much to fear. You are sure that few people have felt the love that you feel for one another. You know that other couples have problems, but you are convinced you are not like them. You are sure they must not have felt what you are feeling. You are in love, and you are sure that everything will work out right. You are simply not interested in being realistic.

Between the Already and the Not Yet

There is a way that theologians think about life in the here and now that is very helpful and can impart to us realistic expectations. Everything we say and do, everything we commit ourselves to, and every situation, location, and relationship we experience is experienced between the