Paul David Tripp - What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage

At once deeply theological and practically relevant, this is one of the top books on marriage I have ever read. Paul Tripp allows readers to examine marriage through a biblical lens so that we understand how God can graciously heal our hurting homes. As a pastor, I will implore our people to read this book.

C HRIS B RAUNS, Senior Pastor, Congregational Christian Church,
Stillman Valley, Illinois; author, Unpacking Forgiveness

What Ive come to expect from Paul Tripp is consistently deep, transparent, biblical, wise, practical, gospel-driven counsel. Rather than muddying the water with self-focused strategies designed to meet our ever-multiplying needs, Paul, as the seasoned soul-physician he is, correctly diagnoses our problems and provides the curehumble faith in Jesus Christ. I wasnt disappointed. You wont be either.

E LYSE F ITZPATRICK, author, Women Helping Women

Paul Tripp brings many years of counseling, growth as a husband, and deepening discovery of the liberating power of grace to this realistic and challenging guide to Gods engagement in redeeming marriages that are threatened by complacency, misunderstanding, and selfishness. The Bibles message of the humbling and healing power of Christs mercy and the powerful presence of his Spirit in our homes comes through loud and clear. The daily practicality of gospel doctrine is made crystal clear by Tripps transparency about his personal missteps in becoming a Christ-reflecting husband and the many examples of couples who have discovered that they are sinners married to sinners. But that the third, divine Party in marriage gives hope and change when unrealistic expectations are shattered and when we confront our sin. But be warned: Tripps diagnostic questions are downright uncomfortable. Even those with strong marriages by Gods grace will find their deep tendencies toward self-coronation challenged!

D ENNIS E . J OHNSON, Professor of Practical Theology, Westminster
Seminary California

Paul Tripp issues a challenge for couples to roll up their sleeves, get to work, and do what it takes to build a God-honoring relationship. He presents six commitments for couples to make, and contained within each is insightful, practical, and effective advice on how to construct a loving, growing, grace-soaked marriage.

M ARY A . K ASSIAN, author, Girls Gone Wise in a World
Gone Wild; Professor of Womens Studies, Southern Baptist
Theological Seminary

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

Crossway books by Paul David Tripp:

A Shelter in the Time of Storm:
Meditations on God and Trouble (2009)

Whiter Than Snow:
Meditations on Sin and Mercy (2008)

What Did You Expect? Redeeming the Realities of Marriage

Copyright 2010 by Paul David Tripp

Published by Crossway
1300 Crescent Street
Wheaton, Illinois 60187

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publisher, except as provided for by USA copyright law.

Cover design: Josh Dennis

Cover illustration: Veer

First printing 2010

Printed in the United States of America

Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are from the ESV Bible (The Holy Bible,English Standard Version), copyright 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked ASV are from the American Standard Version of the Bible.

Scripture quotations marked NASB are from The New American Standard Bible. Copyright The Lockman Foundation 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995. Used by permission.

Scripture references marked NIV are from The Holy Bible: New International Version . Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.

The NIV and New International Version trademarks are registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by International Bible Society. Use of either trademark requires the permission of International Bible Society.

All emphases in Scripture quotations have been added by the author.

Hardcover ISBN: 978-1-4335-1176-9
PDF ISBN: 978-1-4335-1177-6
Mobipocket ISBN: 978-1-4335-1178-3
ePub ISBN: 978-1-4335-2340-3

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Tripp, Paul David, 1950
What did you expect? : redeeming the realities of marriage / Paul David Tripp.
p. cm.
ISBN: 978-1-4335-1176-9 (hc)
1. MarriageReligious aspectsChristianity. I. Title.
BV835.T75 2010
248.8'44dc22 2009040500

Crossway is a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers.
LB 20 19 18 17 16 15 14 13 12 11 10
15 14 13 12 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

There arent many couples who are graced
by having such fine examples go
before them.
Thanks, Tedd and Margy,
for giving us a living example
of how to live in marriage
Gods way.

CONTENTS

F or some reason I seem to be drawn to write about things Im not very good at. Marriage is a prime example. I got married at twenty and was all too sure of myself. I was convinced of my character and maturity, and I thought marriage would be easy for me. It wasnt! It didnt take long for the true selfishness and impatience of my heart to be revealed. But I worked to deny what God was clearly revealing. I fought to convince myself that I was not the problem. I got good at persuading myself and worked hard at persuading Luella, my wife, that I was right and she was wrong. But God, in his gorgeous grace, was unrelenting in his pursuit of me, and Luella was committed to being honest with me.

I was heading for disaster and I didnt even know it. Now, dont misunderstand; I wasnt a constant monster, and I really did want my marriage to Luella to work. The problem was that there were things inside me that made the kind of marriage this book is about utterly impossible. I analyzed, rationalized, criticized, and generally pointed the finger. But there was no escaping itI was the problem. I had been surrounded by grace, grace that would not rest until I had been delivered from the one thing I could not escape by myselfme. I went down kicking and screaming, but God was gracious and Luella was patient until I began to face the one thing I had fought so hard to admit: I desperately needed to change.

Luella and I just celebrated another anniversary. When we look back, we are amazed at all that has happened, all that God has done. We love one another dearly, and we are very grateful for our years together.

They have been rich and exciting. We have not experienced too many boring days. We love being with one another, and we love celebrating shared life. But there is something that we love even more. We love Jesus and his transforming grace. We love his Word and the stunning wisdom that it contains. We know our story isnt a story of marital success. No, our story is the story of two people who have been rescued by grace and wisdom again and again. Over and over we have been forgiven and empowered by Gods grace. Over and over we have been convicted, convinced, transformed, and directed by his Word.

If you could watch a video of our life together, you would soon realize that we have not arrived. We are still being rescued by that same wisdom and grace. God is still working to reveal and win our hearts.

We wish we could say that the war of love is over in our marriage, but we cant. Love of self still gets in the way of love for God and for one another. And when it does, our marriage suffers. There are still times when we have a greater trust in our instincts than we do in Gods wisdom, and when we do, our marriage suffers the results of our foolishness. So, we rest in Gods wisdom and grace, but we do not rest in our marriage. As long as we are two sinners living in a fallen world, there will be work to do.