Kübler-Ross - Death

The Final Stage of Growth

ELISABETH KBLER-ROSS, M.D.

TOUCHSTONE

Elisabeth Kbier-Ross is the author of
On Death and Dying
Questions and Answers on Death and Dying
Death: The Final Stage of Growth
To Live Until We Say Good-Bye
Living with Death and Dying
Working It Through
On Children and Death
AIDS: The Ultimate Challenge
The Wheel of Life

TOUCHSTONE
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www.SimonandSchuster.com

Copyright 1975 by Elisabeth Kbler-Ross

All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form.

First Touchstone Edition 1986

TOUCHSTONE and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster Inc.

Manufactured in the United States of America

20 19 18 17 16 15 14 13 12 11

The Library of Congress has cataloged a previous edition as follows:

Death: the final stage of growth.

(A Touchstone book)

Reprint. Originally published: Englewood Cliffs, N.J.: Prentice-Hall, 1975.

1. DeathPsychological aspectsAddresses, essays, lectures. I. Kbler-Ross, Elisabeth.

BF789.D4D44 1986 155.937 86-3708

ISBN-13: 978-0-684-83941-7
ISBN-10: 0-684-83941-5
ISBN-13: 978-1-439-12517-5

Prayer for Healers

LORD,
Make me an instrument of your health:
where there is sickness,
let me bring cure;
where there is injury,
aid;
where there is suffering,
ease;
where there is sadness,
comfort;
where there is despair,
hope;
where there is death,
acceptance and peace.

GRANT that I may not:
so much seek to be justified,
as to console;
to be obeyed,
as to understand;
to be honored,
as to love..
for it is in giving ourselves
that we heal,
it is in listening
that we comfort,
and in dying
that we are born to eternal life.

Prayer of St. Francis
(modified by Charles C. Wise)

Dedicated to
Manny, Kenneth, and Barbara, whose love makes this work possible, and in memory of my mother, who died on the very day this manuscript was finished, September 12, 1974.

Thanks to Doug McKell for his untiring assistance in putting this manuscript together, to Rosalie Monteleoni, who keeps my spirits up and my office functioning, and the Rubins, whose support continues to flow when I need it most.

Joe and Laurie Braga have not only been the initiators of this book but have spent innumerable hours to shape it and have done so with the love that only true friends can put into a task like this.

THE ORGANIZATIONAL CONTEXT OF DYING
Hans O. Mauksch

DEATH IN THE FIRST PERSON
Anonymous

DYING AMONG ALASKAN INDIANS: A MATTER OF CHOICE
Murray L. Trelease

THE JEWISH VIEW OF DEATH: GUIDELINES FOR DYING
Zachary I. Heller

THE JEWISH VIEW OF DEATH: GUIDELINES FOR MOURNING
Audrey Gordon

THE DEATH THAT ENDS DEATH IN HINDUISM AND BUDDHISM
J. Bruce Long

LIVING UNTIL DEATH: A PROGRAM OF SERVICE AND RESEARCH FOR THE TERMINALLY ILL
Raymond G. Carey

FUNERALS: A TIME FOR GRIEF AND GROWTH
Roy Nichols and Jane Nichols

A MOTHER MOURNS AND GROWS
Edith Mize

ONE WOMANS DEATHA VICTORY AND A TRIUMPH
Dorothy Pitkin

DEATH AS PART OF MY OWN PERSONAL LIFE
Elisabeth Kbler-Ross

LETTER TO ELISABETH: DEDICATED TO CAROL
Bal Mount

LOUIE
Shirley Holzer Jeffrey

FOR MY WIFE WANDA: LOVE WILL NEVER GO AWAY
Orville Kelly

DYING AS THE LAST STAGE OF GROWTH
Mwalimu Imara

Death is a subject that is evaded, ignored, and denied by our youth-worshipping, progress-oriented society. It is almost as if we have taken on death as just another disease to be conquered. But the fact is that death is inevitable. We will all die; it is only a matter of time. Death is as much a part of human existence, of human growth and development, as being born. It is one of the few things in life we can count on, that we can be assured will occur. Death is not an enemy to be conquered or a prison to be escaped. It is an integral part of our lives that gives meaning to human existence. It sets a limit on our time in this life, urging us on to do something productive with that time as long as it is ours to use.

This, then, is the meaning of DEATH: the Final Stage of Growth: All that you are and all that youve done and been is culminated in your death. When youre dying, if youre fortunate enough to have some prior warning (other than that we all have all the time if we come to terms with our finiteness), you get your final chance to grow, to become more truly who you really are, to become more fully human. But you dont need to nor should you wait until death is at your doorstep before you start to really live. If you can begin to see death as an invisible, but friendly, companion on your lifes journeygently reminding you not to wait till tomorrow to do what you mean to dothen you can learn to live your life rather than simply passing through it.

Whether you die at a young age or when you are older is less important than whether you have fully lived the years you have had. One person may live more in eighteen years than another does in eighty. By living, we do not mean frantically accumulating a range and quantity of experience valued in fantasy by others. Rather, we mean living each day as if it is the only one you have. We mean finding a sense of peace and strength to deal with lifes disappointments and pain while always striving to discover vehicles to make more accessible, increase, and sustain the joys and delights of life. One such vehicle is learning to focus on some of the things you have learned to tune outto notice and take joy in the budding of new leaves in the spring, to wonder at the beauty of the sun rising each morning and setting each night, to take comfort in the smile or touch of another person, to watch with amazement the growth of a child, and to share in childrens wonderfully uncomplexed, enthusiastic, and trusting approach to living. To live.

To rejoice at the opportunity of experiencing each new day is to prepare for ones ultimate acceptance of death. For it is those who have not really livedwho have left issues unsettled, dreams unfulfilled, hopes shattered, and who have let the real things in life (loving and being loved by others, contributing in a positive way to other peoples happiness and welfare, finding out what things are really you) pass them bywho are most reluctant to die. It is never too late to start living and growing, This is the message delivered each year in Dickenss Christmas Caroleven old Scrooge, who has spent years pursuing a life without love or meaning, is able through his willing it, to change the road hes on. Growing is the human way of living, and death is the final stage in the development of human beings. For life to be valued every day, not simply near to the time of anticipated death, ones own inevitable death must be faced and accepted. We must allow death to provide a context for our lives, for in it lies the meaning of life and the key to our growth.

Think about your own death. How much time and energy have you put into examining your feelings, beliefs, hopes, and fears about the end of your life? What if you were told you had a limited time to live? Would it change the way youre presently conducting your life? Are there things you would feel an urgency to do before you died? Are you afraid of dying? Of death? Can you identify the sources of your fears? Consider the death of someone you love. What would you talk about to a loved one who was dying? How would you spend your time together? Are you prepared to cope with all the legal details of the death of a relative? Have you talked with your family about death and dying? Are there things, emotional and practical, that you would feel a need to work out with your parents, children, siblings before your own death or theirs? Whatever the things are that would make your life more personally meaningful before you diedo them now, because you