Rutherford - Perfectly hidden depression: how to break free from perfectionism that masks your depression

In Perfectly Hidden Depression , Margaret Rutherford shines a powerful and revealing spotlight on an important aspect of depression that receives far too little attention. As she describes in exquisite detail, the relationship between perfectionism and depression is an intense one; it creates a toxic internal environment that robs worthy people of the ability to enjoy even true successes, since perfection rarely, if ever, exists in the real world. Rutherfords compassion and wisdom is matched by her courage in challenging all of us to expand our understanding of depression in its diverse appearances. The guidance and support she provides here will be invaluable for anyone struggling with these debilitating issues.

Michael D. Yapko, PhD , clinical psychologist, and author of Depression Is Contagious and Keys to Unlocking Depression

Perfectly Hidden Depression illustrates a critical truth that we need to face: sometimes, the people who appear to have it all together are falling apart. Margaret Rutherford shows us that hiding depression through perfectionism can be deadly. This book shows you how to recognize depression in yourself, overcome the stigma, shed unhealthy perfectionism, and embrace your imperfect self.

Sarah Fader , CEO of Stigma Fighters, and coauthor of The 10-Step Depression Relief Workbook

Margaret Rutherfords book, Perfectly Hidden Depression , is a unique perspective on a common, but often unrecognized, cause of depression. People who experience this version of depression almost always seem fine on the outside, and give little, if any, signs of their inner suffering. Driven by perfectionism, unrealistic demands on themselves, and harsh internal self-criticism and shame, they often suffer this hidden form of depression. They feel stuck in an inexplicable trap of depression, and do not know how to change and heal this.

This book is exceptionally written. It clearly describes this condition and maps out concrete strategies for confronting these problems. Aside from many realistic strategies for confronting hidden depression is a core feature of developing more self-compassion and recognizing ones vulnerability. I highly recommend this amazing book to those who suffer from depression, the significant others in their lives, as well as psychotherapists.

John Preston, PsyD , therapist, author, and professor emeritus at the California School of Professional Psychology and Alliant International University

This book can and will save lives. Written with wisdom and compassion, Perfectly Hidden Depression not only sheds light on a growing epidemic, but provides a clear path for coming out of hiding into healing.

Pat Love, EdD , licensed marriage and family therapist, and author of The Truth About Love

Margaret Rutherford presents a compassionate perspective on thoughts and feelings rarely revealed. These secret truths lie at the heart of Perfectly Hidden Depression . Innovative, self-guided exercises throughout the book encourage readers to explore their individual secret truths privately at their own pace. This book offers a unique opportunity for personal growth and contentment.

Leah Klungness, PhD , psychologist in private practice, and coauthor of The Complete Single Mother

This is the book that I have been waiting for. I will not only recommend it to many of my patients, but I will also recommend it to friends and colleagues. This book will resonate with so many people, and may open the door to emotional healing for people who have had difficulty labeling their emotional discomfort. It is both very enjoyable and informative to read. Run, dont walk to get it!

Barbara Greenberg, PhD , clinical psychologist specializing in the treatment of teens, children, and families; and coauthor of Teenage as a Second Language

Finally, a book that takes a deep dive into what psychologists have called masked depression, but has no diagnostic label. If you are a self-critical perfectionist, and are suffering in silence, this book offers a pathway to getting the help you need. If you know you are in pain but didnt have the words to ask for help and connect with others, Margaret Robinson Rutherfords book will offer you a new beginning. You can look forward to transformational self-insights that will help you move from shame to self-compassion.

Lara Honos-Webb, PhD , worldwide attention deficit disorder (ADD) expert; clinical psychologist; and author of The Gift of ADHD , The Gift of ADHD Activity Book , The Gift of Adult ADD , The ADHD Workbook for Teens , and Listening to Depression

For anyone who feels like they dont deserve the label of depression, or for anyone who finds themselves silently stuck in cycles of self-hate, Margaret Rutherfords work on perfectly hidden depression strikes in a place most literature on depression misses, speaking to a whole group of people who suffer without acknowledging or feeling worthy of their own pain. I recognized myself in these pages, and wish a younger version of myself had been introduced to this book and the helpful reflection prompts within it. I hope it reaches the people who need it.

Sarah Schuster , editorial director of contributors at The Mighty

Publishers Note

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books

Copyright 2019 by Margaret Robinson Rutherford

New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

5674 Shattuck Avenue

Oakland, CA 94609

www.newharbinger.com

Cover design by Amy Shoup

Acquired by Jennye Garibaldi

Edited by Jennifer Holder and Marisa Sols

All Rights Reserved

Perfectly Hidden Depression is a registered trademark of Margaret Robinson Rutherford. All rights are reserved.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data on file

To my husband, Richard. Its my turn to do the laundry.

Contents

Foreword

I first learned about the term perfectly hidden depression when I read a Facebook update posted by Dr. Margaret Rutherford. What she wrote there prompted me to visit her blog, where I viewed a video with even more incredibly eye-opening details.

This makes so much sense , I thought to myself. People experiencing perfectly hidden depression hide behind a mask of perfection, but inside they are suffering deeply.

And in the same breath I found myself wondering, But why does it have to be so hard for them to share their struggles? If theyre in so much pain, wouldnt they naturally be driven to ask for help?

Several years ago a family in my community tragically lost their teenage son to suicide. Jay was the person anyone would label a model student. Smart, funny, athletic, well liked among his peers, and motivatedalways aspiring to succeed, never wanting to fail.

But behind the mask of perfection, this talented young man in my town was hurting. No one would have ever guessed by observing Jay from the outside that, on the inside, his world was drastically different. He was suffering intensely. He felt that there was no way hed ever find relief from the painso much so that he decided to leave this world.

I met Jays mom, Erin, when she purchased Brave Bead bracelets from my organization, This Is My Brave, for Jays surviving sisters. Erin was encouraged by the work were doing to break down the stigma surrounding mental illness that prevents many from seeking help. Our organization provides a platform for individuals to tell their true, personal stories about mental health issues and addiction onstage through creative expression. Those in the audience are filled with hope as they watch someone stand up in front of strangers to talk about their journey, from their darkest lows to how they found recovery to how theyre now thriving. Its our goal to shift the perspective from a place of fear and avoidance to one of hope and acceptance. We do this through sharing stories.