Samantha King Holmes - Born to Love, Cursed to Feel

Mom, I love you. To my family and friends, thank you for your kind words and support over the years. To Reuben, you are nothing short o f amazing. Thank you for encouraging me to put my work out into the world. Ive grown so much with, and because of you. Your love and support have changed my life.

Im blessed to have you as my partner. Perfect Youre a beautiful kind o f madness
a misunderstood truth
O, the things they could learn from
the darkness that is hidden behind your eyes So gifted, yet your talents are wasted
you gave up chasing dreams Reality hit and you got a taste o f failure
Cautious now about bearing your soul
For i f others saw you fully exposed
they may not love you like they claim to
Time and experience have taught you to trust no one
Friends, lovers, and even family have forsaken you
You keep the shattered pieces o f your heart in a box
Stitching, gluing, and staying up all night
trying to put it back together
Attempting to fill the void that was left
Moving from one man to the next
It seems no one can satisfy the appetite for affection that you seek
Continually picking at old wounds
they never heal properly
You have no real home, too restless to stay in one place
You are reckless, selfish, stubborn, sometimes rude
Youve bottled up the pain o f so much that has been done When youre hurt
You close into yourself, shut down
You love attention and yet love being by yoursel f more
May God have mercy on your soul
For you are truly lost
Daily you fight your demons
Yet no one knows o f that which you endure
You bear it alone, never speaking o f it
You can blame the broken home from which you came
Or the environment that you grew up in
The people who tore you down so young
You can point the finger at those who have
whispered behind your back
They all have played a role in your development But looking so deep into the past will keep you from moving forward
You must love yoursel f more than these people claim they do
Look at where you stand now
No one can know the things you have endured like you
Youve never claimed to be perfect
Your flaws tell your story There is no need to hide them Eyes Open The scary part is I knew exactly how bad you were for me and yet that didnt stop me from loving you One I dont look for you in anything For in everything you are Where I am, you exist In each breath, every smile and even in moments o f pain your presence resides I am cloaked in your spirit, utterly submerged in you Reality so beautiful, something I can see and feel Youre someone I believe in How was I so fortunate to come across such bliss? Kissed by Heavens favor, perhaps Spoke it into existence, maybe You and I were always made for this moment Fate may have brought us together, but we chose to stay Unyielding Its been years and your life still has no room for me I write mysel f in where I can Wrong Mark Do you ever think o f me in a prolonged agony? Does your soul search for me while you rest? Have you forgotten my eyes or the fire they set ablaze when you gazed into them? I miss you I sit here lost, genuinely yearning to know what youre doing and where you are O sweet Cupid, what have you done? I call foul play here How is it I came to love a man who now feels like a stranger? Good-bye I thought I would be devastated without you I was waiting for everything to rip apart The sky didnt come crashing down Air still flows through my lungs Blood surges through my veins I thought I would lie down in surrender I didnt give my heart enough credit I sit here waiting for it The realization that you are a part o f my Life no more Ive wrapped my mind around the notion Its possible I already cried enough Perhaps the year and a hal f spent trying to make sense o f all this has finally drained me Maybe, just maybe, I always knew I deserved better, but was too afraid to accept it I feel as i f I should mourn us Except I sit here relieved I gave you my all and took the loss that even that wasnt enough Maybe, just maybe, you were never meant to be mine no matter how hard I loved you You broke me in ways that Ive never experienced before and i f Im wise enough will not allow mysel f to endure again I no longer think o f you as often or long for you at night There are moments where you are missed that I cast into the light o f your negligence and allow it to burn away and die I hungered for Love, your Love, and starved No worries, I carry no hate in my heart for you I want no parts o f you to linger long here You werent ready for the Love I could give Now I have a different plan in mind Defeat Ive withered in your shadow My love no longer grows in leaps and bounds It is not rooted There is no nourishment to soak in I am left ravenous for your attention Some kind o f passion, a simple touch The air between the sweet words that are whispered None o f it is given and yet I crave so much You know it Yet stand tall and resolute with your back to me You stopped adoring me the way you used to My mind has registered this My heart just wont accept it It believes that i f I keep trying one day well make it somewhere, deep down though, I know this isnt true In time you will simply be diminished to the man who broke me to the point that I was forced to face myself Forever you will live between the black and white o f these pages Despite that, your love fell somewhere in the gray I am somehow more of myself now This has been no mild transition My back was broken to please you My mind strained My heart tested and persevered in ways unknown to it before There is no satisfaction in this stunted growth Ive imprisoned mysel f to doing my best to love a man who cant love me back the way I need him to The way I deserve Youve always had the knowledge o f my dreams You just decided not to be a part o f them Hooked Your detachment is my elixir I want to inject the essence o f you into my veins and get lost in the quakes o f your past High of f the levels youve been to that Ive never reached Let me be your shadow always present, always watching, always listening You are my addiction So peaceful, so enticing, Im borderline obsessed I want to know you, no, I need to know How is it that all my Life has led up to this moment? Your eyes are piercing I dont shrink or hide Light me on fire with them Youve already destroyed my mind might as well take my body with it My mystery, my enchantment, how are you so many things to me and yet nothing? Vow o f Silence I spoke out o f fear and you ignored me I spoke out o f pain and you didnt listen I spoke out o f love and you walked away So now I speak o f nothing Karma Shes been watching me Shes been patient Lying dormant in anticipation Shes waited for this moment I feel her breath on my neck Forgiven but not forgotten My time must be paid in full Suffering has not yet ended It has only pooled, waiting to drown me in my shame It knows all, despite the trails that have been covered The countless names o f offenses that never made it to the ear o f their victim I have not always been good, but he has made me want to be more The depths of love I feel for him cannot be uttered There simply is not justification in words for this Not this time, this time it is something far different So rare that I tread softly in fear that i f I approach too fast it will flee She knows this Ive caught her lurking around the corners o f my joy The weight o f her presence unhinging my sanity Shes a sign that a storm is inevitable Im down on my knees begging Please dont do this to me No form o f redemption is enough A simple explanation of I was young and dumb will not save me Im starting to wonder i f my paranoia is punishment enough Yet I know better My debt must be paid in full Karma, release me Woke I get it, doing what you can to not think about the girl you cant have The one who told you her fears like you were going to be the last one to hear it She only gives hersel f in pieces rare and very few have her in her uninhibited form With you words came easy but were never really needed Sometimes you lie awake at night hoping that she will call and say she misses you It doesnt happen She never really quite said the right thing something always held her back It was written on her face Theres no relie f to what you feel For as much as she is your reality she plagues your dreams as well So, eyes open, you conjure thoughts o f her allow fantasies to create what reality wont Eyes closed, shes right there, but no matter how much you reach for her there is no feeling o f her face against your hand You cant say you Love her yet One day though you would like to find that you do To feel her touch, her warmth her relentless need for you A dream unattainable You wake up from it every time she says his name The sober realization that she is owned by no one and yet chained to a man youve heard of but never met What does he do for her? Is it him she dreams of? Does he crave her the way you do? Would he understand the persistent desire to be there when she needs it? She cried today; today you saw her cry You watched the tears roll down her face As the mask o f her strength melted before you You wanted to stay, but had already begun to say good-bye She grasped your hand, tried to anchor you to the lie, but you had already seen the truth No matter how good you were or how much you desired her she would be his till she decided otherwise Caring for someone who loves another is no easy task You found the courage to walk away and not look back Those tears may follow you for some time but like her will become a distant memory Life is about the choices we make the moments we dont see coming and the strength to do whats best for ourselves despite how much it may hurt You were brave enough to wake up now dont go back to sleep Sweet Deception It all seemed so perfect I guess lies are that way They wait until youre entangled in them Wrapped in their beauty and the minute you start to believe theyre real They rip apart all the hope you had left Anguish I went to the dark part o f my mind Put one foot on the shovel and dug you up I needed to look one more time, just one more glance My mistake was thinking it was really over because once free you decided to wreak havoc on the rest o f my mind Making it dark too Vital I want to be singed by your passion Release me o f this existence and reincarnate me into the air you breathe Let me be what sustains you Leaving a trace o f my imprint pumping through your veins Home His dirty socks and shoes on the floor My hair clogging up the drain Clothes scattered everywhere and the loud tapping o f the typewriter I got him for his birthday I was once alone and then this chaos ensued that we now call a home Despite whatever complaints I may have I wouldnt want it any other way or with anyone else Partner in Crime Friend, let my eyes be the guide to your beauty that you have yet to discover Let my heart be your safe haven When your world begins to darken and storms wash away the essence o f your faith Let my fingers entwine with yours serving as reassurance that there is nothing that you will ever have to face alone Lifes Student There is growth in pain You just have to find the lesson and learn it Ghosts of New York I would like to think that they all have their own stories But we never ask, we dont even know their names Or what has brought them to their knees and humbled them enough to sleep on the floor o f a station Or sit on a train all night long just to have somewhere warm to sleep They are gawked at people will leave their presence to avoid the smell but they have nowhere to wash their bodies On those days when youve argued with your boss or a friend, something didnt go your way and you think you have it bad, They are walking, breathing, living evidence that someone out there truly has it worse Weve made ourselves so cold, so immune that weve taken the humanity out o f whats happening in front o f us So yes, I would like to believe that when I give them that dollar they arent going to use it to put a needle in their arm and i f they should, who am I to judge? Maybe when youre already that low all there is left to live for is chasing that high Thinking Out Loud So self-destructive Im waiting for the implosion For the Universes infinite wisdom to cave in my chest and abolish all my fears To be driven so deep into the possibilities that I am blinded by the light Until all I can do is close my eyes and be forced to once again dream genuinely Before the day o f naysayers and doubts Im in the stairwell hiding from the people hiding from the noise Can they see my insecurities as vividly as I do? Do they possess that kind o f vision? Or are they so lost in their own self-turmoil that they dont even notice Im defeated, depleted A remnant o f a dreamer gone mad A hopeless romantic who hasnt been fed An artist starving for Life, to Live Justice Living, but not really living Breathing, but not really savoring every precious breath Believing, but at the same time doubting That this pain will ever cease to exist Overwhelming doses o f emotion Can someone prescribe me something so I can go numb? I need a moment Something more than these unrelenting episodes o f sorrow and anguish Is there no joy left for me? Will there ever be a moment where I can truly smile? Will there ever be a time where I wont attempt to