Stusser - The dead guy interviews: conversations with 45 of the most accomplished, notorious, and deceased personalities in history

PENGUIN BOOKS

THE DEAD GUY INTERVIEWS

MICHAEL A. STUSSER IS a Seattle-based writer and game inventor. His Accidental Parent column (ParentMap magazine) recently won the prestigious Gold Award from the Parenting Publications of America. Stusser is a contributing writer for mental_floss and Seattle Magazine, and his work is frequently published by Law & Politics, Yoga International Magazine, and Go World Travel Magazine.

Stusser is also the cocreator of The Doonesbury Game with Garry Trudeau (winner for Best Party Game of the Year, GAMES magazine, 1994); EARTHALERT, The Active Environmental Game; and Hear Me Out.

Conversations with
45 of the Most
Accomplished, Notorious,
and Deceased
Personalities in History

Michael A. Stusser

PENGUIN BOOKS

PENGUIN BOOKS

Published by the Penguin Group

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First published in Penguin Books 2007

1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4

Copyright Michael A. Stusser, 2007

Illustrations copyright Stephen Smith, 2007

All right reserved

Portions of this book appeared in different from in mental_floss magazine.

Used by permission of mental_floss.

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING IN PUBLICATION DATA

Stusser, Michael A.

The dead guy interviews: conversations with 45 of the most accomplished, notorious, and deceased personalities in history/Michael A. Stusser.

p. cm.

ISBN: 978-1-4406-2055-3

1. InterviewsHumor. 2. Imaginary interviews. I. Title

PN6231.I63S78 2007

813.54dc22 2006052883

Printed in the United States of America

Set in Else

Designed by Sabrina Bowers

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The report of my death was an exaggeration.

MARK TWAIN

THE GENESIS OFThe Dead Guy Interviews came about after running into Beethoven at a Rite Aid. I was trying to use one of those damn photo machines (straightforward, my ass) and the Boy Genius was refilling the batteries in his hearing aid. Well, it looked like Beethoven, anyway (must have been the ruffled collar and bouffant that threw me off). Point is, it got me to thinking, what if I could track down the most famous folks in history and ask obnoxious and intrusive questions about their lives? Did Mary Lincoln really blow the entire defense budget on shoes? Did Frida Kahlo actually sleep with Tolstoy? Was Crazy Horse really crazy, or just bipolar? And how bout picking the brains of the greats about the here and nowglobal warming, iPods, Internet porn, Flavor Flav!

Turns out the hardest part of the process wasnt getting ahold of these icons (youd be amazed how many of the deceased have profiles on MySpace), but obtaining clearance from their demanding and overaggressive agents. Mozart would need to plug his new album, Napolon wouldnt appear without his high chair, Genghis Khan was pushing a helmet law, of all things, and Cleopatra refused to discuss her son with Caesar or her reported fling with Mark Anthony (not the Roman one, but J-Los husband).

Quite a few folks simply refused to be interviewed: Apparently, Jesus has been too frequently misquoted (he was also miffed at my request to turn my water filter into a wine dispenser), Hitler was tied up (in hell, no doubt), and Gandhi was all set to chat when my idiot intern offered him a foot-long sub. And Helen Kellerdont get me started. The reason Elvis wouldnt appear? Hes not dead yet. (Hint: The Golden Nugget, Reno.) Once I got Buddha on board, however, things really did start to fall into place, and then it was a matter of keeping the guests focused. You think Regis and Kelly can gabtry someone without a pulse! They may be dead, but these guys can talk!

By the way, if youre dead and you werent interviewed, dont worry. Well get to you. My deadline was as serious as a heart attack and not as flexible as the spirit world. As Will Rogers said recently, Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. Itd help if you had e-mail, though, as the sances are a spot time-consuming.

In the end, I learned more from these masters than I ever did in school. Not only does history repeat itself, but apparently, we still arent paying attention (and MLK, Lincoln, and Mother Teresa arent happy about it). The individuals herein achieved more than fifteen minutes of fame for a reasonnot from a catchy hit single or a reality TV show, but due to hard work, determination, guts, talent, and yes, someone there to write it all down.

A few themes came up repeatedly and should be mentioned: Love thy neighbor, of course, take vacations to reenergize the mind (and when visiting new lands, remember to crush and pillage), and something about flaxseed oil. Oh, and one guy wanted me to mention respecting your elders. Surly old goat.

Speaking of old goats, Ill give Winston Churchill the last words: History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it.

MICHAEL A. STUSSER

P.S. I should also thank some of the living: Caroline White, for finding me in the pages of mental_floss magazine; the bigwigs at floss, Will Pearson, Mangesh Hattikudur, and Neely Harris; and my fab editor at Penguin, David Cashion, who cuts with the best of em. Huge kudos to Anne Kaiser, who did the bulk of the research here (not to mention more follow-up questions than the crew of 60 Minutes); and illustrator Stephen Smith, who not only got to sit in the room during the interview process, but did hair and makeup on the narcissistic ones (yeah, thats you, Mao). Id also like to thank Oprah (its worth a try); my wonderful parents (Ill pay you back); JavaBean; the country and crops of Jamaica; my beautiful wife, Vanessa, who let corpses into our living room; and, of course, Dead People everywhere. You may be dead, but youre not forgotten.