John Kim - Single On Purpose

I ve been single. Many times. Ive struggled with loneliness. Rejection. Not believing I was desirable. Ive tried dating myself again and again, and it was bullshit. The truth is, were humans and were not meant to do life alone. We want to love someone. And thats okay. Were biologically built that way. Whats not okay is losing ourselves because we dont have someone to love. Or losing ourselves in the person weve chosen to love.

I have struggled with singlehood and also lost myself in relationships. I have jumped into things way too fast after a breakup was still fresh. Within days, Ive been back on the market, swiping to find someone else to lose myself in. Because I didnt want to be alone. Because I didnt want to eat by myself. Because I like sex too much. But on a deeper level, because I needed to prove to myself that I was desirable, lovable, and worthy. And its really hard to feel that on a Friday night when youre at home eating your feelings.

Out of desperation, Ive contacted exes and later regretted it. I have wondered how many ones have gotten away. I have felt that deep loneliness, the kind that keeps you from washing your hair or wearing anything but sweats. I have done all the things: Gotten together with women I wasnt that into. Been rejected by women I was really into. Tried to be someone I wasnt for someone else. Forced things that didnt feel right because I wanted it to work. And of course, eaten way too much ice cream in one sitting.

Deep inside, I knew I needed to be single. On purpose. Ive been in relationships constantly since I was twenty-two, and I knew I needed to build a better one with myself before I could build anything healthy and meaningful with anyone else. I knew I needed to process my own shit. Break patterns. Find a sense of self. Not be codependent. And work on areas of my life other than love. Because theres more to life than who we choose to love. It may not feel like that right now. But trust me, there is.

I learned this after a divorce, when I was finally forced to look at myself, by myself, without the buffer of another person. The divorce forced me to reevaluate my entire life. Really examine what I was doing and why. Although painful, it was the best thing thats ever happened to me. Because it was the first domino of my singlehood journey to connect me back to myself. For the first time in my life I chose to be alone.

In the beginning, it sucked balls. It was miserable. Who would I kiss? Hold? Stay in and make love to and watch documentaries with when it was rainy outside? Who the fuck was going to scratch my back? And what about the weekend? What was I going to do by myself? Who was I going to do nothing with? Because doing nothing alone isnt the same as doing nothing with someone else. Doing nothing with someone else means youve really found love. Doing nothing by yourself means youre a loser. Fuck, it was going to be so easy deciding where to eat now. It felt like my life was over.

These were the thoughts sprinting through my mind as panic set in. But I had to tell myself I was choosing it. It was a decision that I dont usually make, and I had to believe I would come out the other side better because of it. Thats what breaking a pattern looks like. Not just for me, but for all the clients I would go on to help. That was the fuel for me, the 92 octane. So I did it. And I am not going to lie. It was hard. Like, addiction recovery hard. But I took it a day at a time, like they say in the meetings. And slowly but surely, it got easier. Not only did it get easier, I became different. Things started shifting on the inside. I started to grow.

As I started doing the inner work (which Ill get into later), I was able to do the outer work. Or more accurately, I wasnt able to not do it. Because when inner change happens, it naturally ripples outward. Its like when you realize you cant eat the entire bag of chips in one sitting like you used to when you were in your twenties. Something has permanently changed inside, like this new behavior of putting the chips away before the bag is empty, maybe even using a chip clip. There was a lot of this happening for me at the time. So I decided to write about it. I started a blog called The Angry Therapist and wrote with vulnerability for the first time in my life. No more clever dialogue hoping to sell the million-dollar screenplay. I just wrote my truth. Soon I had followers, then emails and Skype sessions and a full practice of clients who wanted no-bullshit advice from someone they could relate to. Ironically, my greatest relationship failure was the catalyst for giving relationship advicethe main reason people wanted guidance from me.

The motivation to write this book came from coaching thousands of people in the last decade who experienced severe depression because they were single. Many of them had successful careers. Many of them had amazing friends. But because they had no one to kiss in the morning and do nothing with on a Friday night, they saw themselves as failures. They internalized the idea of not having a partner as being defective. Most had been in nothing but shitty, toxic, lopsided relationships, and yet being single was worse. They figured something was wrong with them, and they came to me to find out what that was. A lot of them were in their thirties or forties, and they felt like time was running out. They felt the sand in the hourglass draining as they lost more and more hope.

A Typical Session

COFFEE SHOPEARLY MORNING

John is buried in his laptop when he notices a woman in her early thirties standing in front of him.

JOHN

Hey.

CHRISTY

Hi.

CHRISTY (before she even takes a seat)

I told my boyfriend Ive been thinking about someone else, and he broke up with me.

JOHN

Oh, Im sorry. (closes his laptop and gets situated for his session)

CHRISTY

I have a friend named Dion. Were working on a project together. Theres crazy sexual chemistry. Before you ask, no, hes not good for me. I know this. But I cant stop thinking about him.

JOHN

You told your boyfriend this?

CHRISTY

Technically my ex as of yesterday. I realized on a retreat at Joshua Tree. Yes, I was on mushrooms, but I had this revelation. I was only with him because it made sense. Ive never really been attracted to him, and its not fair to him.

JOHN

Okay, lets put a bookmark there. Tell me about some of your other previous relationships. Would you like a coffee?

CHRISTY

No, Im good. I lost my virginity when I was fourteen. I dont really remember it, though. (A few patrons glance over. Johns used to this. He does sessions here all the time. His client doesnt notice or mind.)

CHRISTY

I was in a nine-year relationship with someone verbally abusive. Then another one that was a nightmare, well, not in the beginning, but you know...

JOHN

Have you been in anything healthy?

CHRISTY

No, except for this last one that I just ruined.

JOHN

So your current relationship is over. It was healthy, but you were not sexually attracted to him. And the person you are sexually attracted to is toxic and bad for you. And you know this.

CHRISTY

Right. Which one should I go with?

JOHN

Yourself.

CHRISTY

Huh?

JOHN

Why are those the only choices?

CHRISTY