David Macaulay - Motel of the Mysteries

Copyright 1979 by David Macaulay

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The Library of Congress has cataloged the print edition as follows:

Macaulay, David.
Motel of the mysteries.

1. Civilization, Modern1950 Anecdotes, facetiae, satire, etc. 2. North AmericaAntiquitiesAnecdotes, facetiae, satire, etc. I. Title.
PN6231.C46M3 818'.5'407 79-14860
ISBN 978-0-395-28424-7
ISBN 978-0-395-28425-4 pbk.

eISBN 978-0-547-34862-9
v4.1220

F OR R UTH, WITH LOVE

Special thanks to Nancy Hechinger
and Christopher Davis

IN 1985 A CATACLYSMIC COINCIDENCE OF PREVIOUSLYUNKNOWN PROPORTION EXTINGUISHEDVIRTUALLY ALL FORMS OF LIFE ON THE NORTHAMERICAN CONTINENT.

ON THE MORNING OF NOVEMBER 29, AN ACCIDENTALREDUCTION IN POSTAL RATES ON ASUBSTANCE CALLED THIRD- AND FOURTH-CLASSMAIL LITERALLY BURIED THE NORTH AMERICANSUNDER TONS OF BROCHURES, FLIERS, ANDSMALL CONTAINERS CALLED FREE.

THAT AFTERNOON, IMPURITIES THAT HAD APPARENTLYHUNG UNNOTICED IN THE AIR FORCENTURIES FINALLY SUCCUMBED TO THE FORCEOF GRAVITY AND COLLAPSED ON WHAT WASLEFT OF AN ALREADY STUNNED POPULATION.

IN LESS THAN A DAY, THE MOST ADVANCED CIVILIZATIONOF THE ANCIENT WORLD HAD PERISHED.

The layers of pollutantus literati and pollutantus gravitas that covered the continent hardened into rock, and knowledge of the lost civilization almost vanished entirely. Interest was revived briefly about six hundred years ago with the discovery of fragments from a series of writings attributed to the late-twentieth-century Franco-Italian traveler Guido Michelin (no relation to the Anglo-Italian traveler Guido Blue). The meaning of the few legible symbols, mostly stars in various groupings, could not be deciphered, and the matter was eventually dropped.

Four hundred years later a young and ambitious archeologist named Currant Bunliffe had a revelation. The suddenness of the catastrophe, he wrote in one of his notebooks, combined with the subsequent solidification of the surreptitious substance (pollutantus aliterati) has probably preserved, intact, a moment of history. He immediately informed his colleagues at THE UNIVERSITY that he was going to search for fragments of that moment. He was never seen again.

Since 3850 hundreds of scholars and souvenir-hunters have chipped away at the continents alluring crust. Although North America has not given up her secrets easily, a number of significant discoveries have been made.

Evidence unearthed at several widely scattered sites indicates that the entire continent was covered by a complex network of gray and black stripes. Until the development of high-altitude infrared draftsmanship, the intricacy of this network was unknown. Because the various patterns can only be fully appreciated from the air, the German scholar Heinrich Von Hooligan believes the stripes were planned either as landing strips for extraterrestrial craft or as coded messages from the inhabitants of the continent to their many powerful gods.

Since the discovery of such sites as Monument Row, the majority of scholars have agreed that the colored stripes were in fact ceremonial, or at least processional, highways. The clustering of hundreds of monumental inscriptions mounted on huge poles along both sides of a highway was quite common. Each inscription represented a different religious sect or point of view and was placed as near as possible to heaventhe traditional home of the North American gods. The level of spiritual rivalry becomes dramatically clear when we realize that shortly before the catastrophe some of the inscriptions reached heights of close to one hundred feet above the highway. Von Hooligan claims, and convincingly so, that these tremendous heights prove that the stripes were in fact designed to be used by airborne vehicles.

While this preoccupation with religion was consuming the North Americans and particularly the Yanks, who lived in the area called Usa, a number of scientists in Europe had begun to monitor the dramatic increase in pollutantus gravitas above the troubled continent. In an attempt to keep vital trade routes open, they proposed the development of an aircraft that would be able to cut through the increasingly resistant air. The discovery of their flying machine in 3902 at a site in Usa was particularly significant because it showed for the first time just how quickly the density of the pollutantus gravitas had increased on that fateful November day almost 2000 years earlier.

One of the most significant monuments erected by the Yanks was the great triumphal arch. Because it was located in the center of Usa, scholars have labeled it an interchangeable gateway to either the east or west. Its geographic placement would have been more accurate had a large portion of the west coast fallen off into the sea as was predicted and in some areas of the country apparently prayed for. Today, kissing the underside of the arch has become a very popular tradition and is believed to bring good luck.

Perhaps the most impressive surviving examples of Yank architecture are the imposing Temples of Bigapple. Nestled in a virtually uninhabited jungle on the continents east coast, these timeless structures signify at least temporary religious stability and stand as a tribute to the awesome technical skills of the ancients.

In spite of the number of significant clues, however, the picture of these fascinating people remained disturbingly incomplete until forty years ago, when word leaked out of Howard Carsons startling discovery at the Motel of the Mysteries.

Before his forty-second birthday, Howard Carson had accomplished nothing of interest. Of obscure parentage, he spent his first four decades untroubled by public attention. In fact, it was not until the autumn of his life that Carson achieved the unprecedented mediocrity that was to make him, by the time of his death, unique among amateurs.

During his early forties, while rapidly consuming the remnants of a trust fund, Carsons interests were divided between his collection of antique space shuttles and a number of questionable, albeit visionary, experiments relating to increased camel-hump productivity. He must also have had some interest in history, because we know that he possessed at this time a fairly up-to-date translation of the writings of the ancient scholar Hoving and a rather dog-eared facsimile of the