Ruth E. Field - The 4 Facets of Grief: Heal Your Heart, Rebuild Your World, and Find New Pathways to Joy

Copyright 2017 Ruth E. Field, LCSW All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law.

Although the author and publisher have made every effort to ensure that the information in this book was correct at the time of publishing, the author and publisher do not assume and hereby disclaim any liability to any party for any loss, damage, or disruption caused by errors or omissions, whether such errors or omissions result from negligence, accident, or other cause.

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DISCLAIMER

This book is not meant to replace the advice and counsel of your personal healthcare provider and is for educational purposes only. If you ever feel you can no longer function in life, have suicidal thoughts, or if any of the normal grief feelings become extreme, you may have developed complicated grief. Please call your hospital, medical practitioner, therapist, or other mental health professional for help right away.

DEDICATION

In loving memory of David E. Field

October 25, 1984 July 24, 2011

My son, my teacher, and forever

The boy with the beautiful heart.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

T here were so many wonderful people who inspired me to write this book and helped me to realize a long-held dream! I appreciate all the patience and encouragement from family, friends, and colleagues.

To Alan: thank you for bringing light into the darkness.

To Lisa and Andy, Erika and Adam, Stephanie and Noah: thank you for inspiring me to keep going. You work so hard, give so much, and love so passionately!

To Emily, Tyler, Julia, Joshua, Aaron, Rose, Ariel, and grandchildren not yet born: thank you for being living proof of joy, hope, wonder, and discovery! I cherish every moment as your Bubbe.

To Chandler Bolt, Sean Sumner, and the entire SPS staff and Mastermind Community, thank you for the structure, wisdom, and unflagging support throughout this process. Special appreciation goes to Judy Dressner, my steadfast accountability partner and cherished friend!

I also want to express my gratitude to My Tribe of fellow grievers, and my dear clients who trust me with your deepest thoughts and feelings. This book would not be possible if you had not been willing to share your journeys with me. I am deeply honored.

Introduction

H ow am I going to go on?

When will this pain end?

Will I ever stop crying?

These are questions I am asked most often when people begin grief counseling. They are feeling lost and in agony with no clear path to healing relief, for the reality of death is all consuming and inarguably final.

Losing someone you love is a devastating experience. It is excruciatingly painful and hard to wrap your mind around. Trying to understand how this could have happened and then figuring out how to move forward can leave you overwhelmed, suffering, heartbroken, and frightened. It happens to everyone sooner or later, and most of us have to face it many times in our lives.

We know the human response to loss is grief, but we dont know exactly how to deal with it. Did you ever take a course in school called Grieving 101? Did your parents ever sit you down for The Grief Talk? Probably not.

The subjects of death, grief, and loss make most of us uncomfortable because there are no quick fixes. Nothing anyone can say will bring your loved one back or take away the pain. No amount of support will suddenly bring about relief. And because it feels impossible to accept the unacceptable, we learn by osmosis to put misery on the back burner and pretend were mostly okay.

But were not okay; this is not business as usual. Were left with that burning question: How do I go on?

This very question inspired the book you are about to read.

Ever since I can remember, Ive struggled with life and death questions. What does it all mean? How does the universe work? Why am I here? Its partly just who I am and partly due to lifes circumstances.

You see, in addition to my training and experience as a clinical social worker, I also have a lifetime of practice managing my own journeys of grief. The most difficult of these has been the death of my son. Along the way, I noted what has helped and hindered me, my family, and my clients in our universal quest to move through lifes most difficult times. Like my clients, I didnt want to just survive these ordeals; I wanted to ultimately thrive.

I believe the answer to our existential questions lies in developing habits that enhance grief resilience the ability to move through unwelcome change and achieve a sense of wellness and peace. Many people believe you either are resilient or youre not; as if it were a personality trait. I believe grief resilience is actually a skill set that can be learned, practiced, and incorporated into your life.

By combining the insights and understanding gleaned from the long-term study of myself and others, I developed a system that builds grief resilience and moves the reader from heartache to healing. It is hard work, but it does promote wellness and growth.

The 4 Facets of Grief details four different aspects of enhancing your coping capacity with examples and skill-building ideas relating to each one. Using a GPS analogy, it provides a road map for navigating your personal reality, recognizing that you are in the drivers seat. You get to choose when to push onward and when to take a break; which stops need more focus, and which stops are quick visits. You even get to choose your route and circle back to particular points more than once. Every journey will be unique and according to your needs at the time.

Another analogy, and the one that inspired the name of this book, is that of creating a gemstone out of the earths raw materials. The stone begins as a mostly unappealing rock or crystals with varying chemical compositions. Through an exacting technique of cutting, polishing, and refining, the stones brilliance and luster are revealed. That rough hunk of minerals is now a unique creation of beauty and joy.