50Minutes.com - Coping With Bereavement

Bereavement, which comes from the Old English bereafian , meaning to deprive of, take away by violence, seize, rob, refers to the period of distress and sadness following the death of a loved one. For us to be bereaved, we must have had a particular attachment to the person who has passed away. Otherwise, we would constantly be bereaved! The psychiatrist and psychotherapist Christophe Faur also specifies that the intensity of bereavement is not determined by blood ties, but by how attached we were to the person. He further explains that bereavement can sometimes become a problem (although this is rare), for example if the bereaved person has a history of depression or if they had a conflictual relationship with the dead person. In this last case, they may develop a profound feeling of guilt, as they may feel that they unconsciously wished the persons death on them.

Freud and grief work

In his 1917 essay Mourning and Melancholia, Sigmund Freud became the first person to develop the concept of grief work. He claimed that this expression results from the loss of a loved one, and also from the loss of an object we are attached to. Grief work can therefore be defined as a long intrapsychic process resulting from the loss of an object a person is attached to. Through grief work, the person gradually manages to detach themselves from the object.

While bereavement affects us all irrespective of gender, age or ethnicity, each culture has its own rituals and ways of dealing with the death of a loved one. For example, while the expression of grief is accepted and even encouraged in Western and African culture, it is viewed less positively in Asian and Muslim culture. In Asian society, emotions are expected to be kept private, while Muslims believe that containing grief shows that a person has accepted Gods decision. As well as funeral rites and the expression of grief, each religion has very specific mourning periods and a different approach to funerals. For Buddhists, who believe in reincarnation, mourning lasts for 49 days, and at the end of this period a prayer is recited to help the dead person to be reincarnated. In Hinduism, the family of the dead person must lead a moderate lifestyle (no meat, alcohol, jewellery or make-up) during the mourning period, which lasts for 13 days and ends with a ceremony organised at the home of the dead person. The mourning period for Muslims is 40 days, during which the friends and family of the dead person must behave and dress soberly. At the end of this period, prayers are recited to help the dead person to ascend to heaven. In Judaism, there are five phases of mourning: Aninut , the period between death and the funeral; Avelut , the first seven days after the burial; Sheloshim , the first 30 days after the burial; Yud Bet Chodesh , the first 12 months following the burial; and Yahrzeit , the anniversary of the death.

Did you know?

In China, there are five circles of mourning. The first circle comprises the most important family members, namely the parents and the spouse, while the last circle is made up of less important family members, as well as the couples children. For the Chinese, the death of a child is a source of shame, so they never attend their funeral.

When you are stricken by grief following the death of a loved one, your life will be made even more difficult by a number of administrative and financial formalities, which will stop you from beginning your grief work. Although these tasks allow some people to take their minds off the pain they are feeling, for others they can become a burden that is too heavy to bear. Do not be afraid to ask the people around you for help if you do not feel strong enough to deal with these tasks.

During our lifetimes, we take out various insurance policies; we have bank accounts; we are registered with a healthcare provider and with the local authorities; we pay service providers every month, and so on. When we die, our family must notify all these people and organisations in order to stop these services and close our accounts. While some tasks can be carried out several weeks after the death, others must be done immediately.

To help you, here is a list of administrative formalities, in order of priority:

• Register the death. Unless your loved one died in a hospital or an official establishment (care home, prison, psychiatric institution), you must call a doctor to legally register the death of your loved one, so that you can declare it to the local authorities.
• Contact a funeral home. This company will take care of organising the funeral service, and will also declare the death to the local authorities, which must be done within five days.