Julian Demarco - How To Let Go Of Someone You Love: Deal, Heal, & Forgive After Loss

Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.

Hermann Hesse

Letting go is one of the most painful and heart-wrenching of experiences. Whether someone has passed from this life or whether they have "only" left yours, letting go is an act of courage that far exceeds that of hanging onto them.

I've certainly had my share of those "wanting to hang on, but needing to let go" moments, as have we all. It hurts, and it's that deep, ever-present aching pain that doesn't seem capable of ever leaving you. But the question is: can you leave it? Can you free yourself from pain and loss?

Loss

Such a sad four-letter word that hardly seems capable of explaining the complicated feelings we have when something or someone we love leaves our lives or this life. As a child, you probably experienced your first sense of loss when you had to face up to a grandparent passing away or a much-loved pet dying. Perhaps you had a friendship end at a tender age, but regardless of the type of loss, the result was the same: deep and aching loneliness. You were left with a void to fill where that person, animal, or friend had been.

Often, instead of moving on, we hang around in a state of limbo, hoping against reality that the presence we have lost from our lives will miraculously return, and everything will be right as rain. It doesn't happen. And soon, we are left with the gloom of an endlessly rainy life, all gray and drab.

For children, this is devastating. Usually, death is something they experience with a beloved pet's passing. The pain is numbed by parents buying another goldfish (after the toilet ceremony) or a new puppy when the old dog has passed. This action establishes a sense of continuity in the young child's life.

When you're an adult, the loss you experience will be more lasting. Who will "buy" you a new lover, child, parent, or friend who has moved or passed away? The loss lingers, and you become stuck in this endless moment of being without them. Somehow, it would be best if you found the strength to let go, to move on, to begin anew, and to continue with your life, despite the devastating changes you have suffered.

Yet, doing just that can be a real challenge when you have become entrenched in the pit of despair. How do you move on, and how do you let go when you have just lost someone you treasured? It may seem like the person who left has taken a part of your soul with them, leaving you forever wounded. Even if it's "only" a break-up, you may feel like you have lost everything that mattered to you, and the road ahead becomes unimaginable. Inertia sets in, and soon, you are utterly trapped and stuck. What now?

It was difficult after the breakup of my fianc and me, whom I loved so dearly. He was able to get to me more than anyone had before. Not everyone knew the why we were no longer together, so taking down our photos was hard to do but necessary. You could see just how happy and in love we were in them, especially photos after he proposed to show my beautiful ring. I was hurting after he was unfaithful, and I needed not to be reminded of what was lost. We had remained friends saying once my trust was restored, wed get back together.

Time passed, and we did, but it was no different than it was before. I knew that I deserved better and to be happy. The heartbreak was the same, and I need to let go of all maybes and wishful thinking. History had repeated itself, and some people just dont change. Beginning the process again was easier since Id been here before. It didnt hurt any less, no that was ever prevalent and seething, but I wasnt going to allow that to overshadow the other joys in my life like I had allowed it to previously. I valued myself even if he didnt. Theres a saying that sometimes people are just beneath you. So, with that thought, I stood up, dusted myself off with my head held high, and began the process of letting go for the final time.