Lydia Brownback - Finding God in My Loneliness

Introduction

The unexpected snowfall brought the neighborhood together as we worked to clear cars and walkways before the early December sunset. Looks like winter is here! I called over to my friend next door.

Indeed it is! she replied. And the timing of all this snow is perfect. After supper were going to make hot chocolate and decorate the Christmas tree. The kids are really excited.

As I stood there picturing her happy family scene, I was suddenly buried under an avalanche of overwhelming loneliness. For the first time ever, I decided against getting a Christmas tree that year. The thought of having no one with whom to unwrap each memory - laden ornament from its tissue - paper hibernation was just too depressing. A casual conversation was all it took.

A few Christmases later, determined to have for myself the sort of holiday fun my neighbor enjoyed with her family, I invited a few girlfriends to my home for a tree - trimming party. One friend was especially enthusiastic, and I asked her, Why is coming to my place so great when youve got your own tree to decorate and a husband and kids to do it with you?

Let me tell you how that goes, she replied. We pick a day when were going to do it, and I get treats prepared and Christmas music playing, and all the ornaments are set out on the table. And when Im ready, everyone wanders in. But five minutes into it, phone calls and texts and whatever else distract them, so they grab a cookie and disappear. I wind up decorating the tree alone every year.

How eye - opening that was! Those pictures of others lives that we get in our minds or see on social media are rarely the reality. Behind the smiles and accolades and images of family fun lie all the normal stuff of everyones life: heartbreak, rejection, anxietyand loneliness.

Single or married, young or old, man or womaneveryone experiences loneliness at various times and to varying degrees. No one is exempt. We were created for togetherness, which is why, even before the fall, God declared that mans aloneness was not good (Gen. 2:18). And immediately after his declaration, he created marriage. But marriage was never intended to be the ultimate, eternal remedy for loneliness. Thats why the unmarried arent doomed in this regard. God created human beings with a capacity for loneliness so that we would yearn for and find our all in him:

In Genesis 2 God ordains the marriage of male and female as another aspect of his design for our aloneness. Yet he never designed marriage to fulfill the incompleteness or eradicate the aloneness. Rather, it more fully reveals our need for our ultimate destinyto be in union with him.

In other words, loneliness is an indicator that something is missing, and that something is found only in Jesus Christ. He completes whats missing, that thing we identify as loneliness, beginning from the moment we are joined to him in faith and brought to completion in glory. In other words, the primary reason we are lonely is that we arent home yet. God created us for communion with him, and therefore loneliness will be fully eradicated only when we get to heaven. Thats why everyoneyoung or old, single or marriedexperiences loneliness. No one is exempt.

That being said, the loneliness we feel and the circumstances that make us aware of it arise because of mans fall into sin back in the garden of Eden. The loneliness we experience is a consequence of sin and has been ever since Adam and Eve disobeyed God. The couple hid from God after they ate from the forbidden tree, and thats also when they began to hide from each other. Loneliness began in the garden.

Lets make an important distinction right here at the beginning of this book: there is a difference between loneliness and being alone . Sometimes loneliness and aloneness overlap, and one can breed the other, but they are not the same thing. Some of the loneliest people live among many, while other people can exist day to day with limited human contact and feel no lack. Why is this? What makes the difference? Thinking through these things helps us cultivate a deeper understanding of ourselves, our family and friends, and our Lord.

Loneliness is everywhere, but we dont talk about it too often. Perhaps thats because weve grown so accustomed to its oppressive weight that weve lost awareness of it altogether. Oh, something seems off, but we attribute it to the weather or the stress du jour , and we try to shake it off with a good dinner or a night out on the town. But there it is again the next morning.

Relief comes only as we acknowledge our loneliness and turn to God and his Word for the help and understanding we need. Thats where this book aims to take us.

We will start out by askingand then seek to answera basic question: Why are we lonely? And then well see that the best remedy for loneliness in this lifetime is found in something Jesus said: Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it (Matt. 10:39).

Well also look at how God works in and through loneliness in the lives of his people. From the patriarchs in Genesis up through the present day, we will see that loneliness isnt something to fear but something that God redeems. In Scripture we discover that God is present in our loneliness. He is there in times of grief and in times of discouragement. He is there when others forsake us, and when our hopes are disappointed. He never leaves us, not even when our loneliness springs from our sin and bad choices.

Ultimately, what were going to see is that those who belong to God through Christ Jesus are never really alone, and because thats true, loneliness does not have to characterize us. Isnt that a relief? As you join me in exploring this challenging issue, I pray that we all would come to a fuller understanding of who God is for us in Christ our Lord.

God moves in a mysterious way

His wonders to perform;

He plants His footsteps in the sea

And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines

Of never failing skill

He treasures up His bright designs

And works His sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;

The clouds ye so much dread

Are big with mercy and shall break

In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,

But trust Him for His grace;

Behind a frowning providence

He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,

Unfolding every hour;

The bud may have a bitter taste,

But sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err

And scan His work in vain;

God is His own interpreter,

And He will make it plain.

William Cowper, God Moves in a Mysterious Way

Grief is a solitary experience. No one else can feel exactly what you feel, even when the source of the pain is shared by others. Grief varies in intensity too, not just person to person but experience to experience.

Several years ago I lost a precious pet. My grief was real, and it was compounded by loneliness because I felt I had to hide the depth of pain I felt about the death of an animal. A decade later my father died, and I experienced grief at a whole new level. For weeks after, it ebbed and flowed like an ocean tide, and when the waves came, they poured over me with such force that I struggled to breathe.

When the End Comes

What makes grief so very, well, grievous is the finality of it all. Phil Ryken puts it well:

Everyone carries a burden. It could be the death of a father or mother, brother or sistersomething we think about every day. It could be the death of a dreamsomething we hoped would happen, but now we know never will. It could be the death of the family we thought we had, but now everything has come undone. Grief is the pain of knowing life will never be the same.